Widukinds Diary Entry #6
So I was sitting in the airport the other day at my gate, and this family of four came and sat behind me. The group consisted of two really dorky parents, a 5-or-so-year-old daughter who I could already tell was going to be really stupid when she got older, and a baby boy. The little girl asked the same fucking question (“when are we going on the plane?”) like 50 times. Luckily, the mom took her for a walk. But then the dad started baby-talking to the little boy. After listening to five mind-numbing minutes of this shit, I started thinking: why the fuck do people decide to talk like babies to babies? Babies don’t even sound like that; when they gurgle they sound normal and cute, but when grown-men do it they just sound fucking retarded. Anyways, the dude starts asking his son questions like, “how were we in zone 4 on the way here, but now we’re zone 9? Can you explain that to me?” This is when I wanted to turn around and say “listen, dude, your baby is like one year old, so not only does he not understand a word you’re saying nor would he be able to articulate in proper English why your sux0r family was demoted from zone 4 to zone 9, I assure you that if he had the capacity to understand the situation, he really just wouldn’t give a shit.” Something hella clever along those lines, anyways.
Of course, I didn’t say it. But why? Why wasn’t Widukind willing to totally pwn teh nubz0r? Because for some reason it’s ingrained in our society to not speak out to total strangers who are making total asses out of themselves. I for one find this extremely hard to do. The people who don’t are usually insane, or named Sam Fisher.
I think this concept is really stupid. Honestly, don’t you think it would make the world a better place if it was socially acceptable to sound off on those around you? Things like, “hey man, you smell like dookie”, or “hey, you look like a total douche bag in those crocs” or “you really suck when you drink” (aka, large majority of women between the ages of 13 and 100). Of course, any racial epithets or derogatory statements would still be unacceptable, but any frank observation about what your fellow human is up to would be perfectly fine. First of all, it would make people aware of things they do that make other people feel uncomfortable. Second, the people who do speak up when they shouldn’t would get a mouth-full, or better yet an ass-kicking, because before the institution of my great idea, they could get away scott free without any consequences. (Yeah I’m talking you, 8-year-old smartasses on the 24! No more!) This of course leads us to the conundrum of really big strong people who also happen to be assholes who would potentially end up ruling the world, but hey, that’s natural selection, right?
This leads me to my next topic. About 20 minutes after enduring the father who was unconsciously and figuratively defecating into my ear, some other woman whipped out her baby and changed his diaper in the middle of the airport. She literally yanked off his soiled underpants, wiped down his booty and ding-a-ling, and put a new diaper on. Lucky for me she was too far away for any smell to waft its way in to my nose, but I could only imagine what the people around her thought. This would have been a situation in which my prior idea would have worked perfectly. Example: “excuse me, ma’am, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you just rubbed a towelette up and down your babies poopy bottom right in front of my nose and then started wiping all over his scrotum, which all of a sudden made me feel very perverted because I was looking at a babies penis for an extended period of time” (note, I did NOT have this last thought, whatsoever). Anyways…
So then I started thinking, this baby really doesn’t care that it’s butt-nekkid in the middle of the airport. He’s just chilling getting free full-service, balls hanging out for all to see. So why can’t we all be like that? Think about it, man! First of all, we would save money on clothes. Second of all, stupid fashion designers who think they’re the shit because they came up with the idea of having a woman wear a dried elephant cock on her crotch would be out of a job. Third of all, because everyone would be naked, everyone would live in warm places and just be happier all the time. Fourth of all, hot people would have a huge advantage because ugly people couldn’t dress up and be deceiving in order to get some, so it would only be hot people making babies with hot people. Fifth, those babies would be even hotter than usual because we’d all be living in Hawaii and everyone would be hella tan.
But of course, if everyone was hot, consequently no one would be hot, and we’d be faced with quite a conundrum.
So, in conclusion, the world would be run by hot, strong, mean people. Since I only fulfill one of those categories (hot, duh), I would die. So, natural selection=not so good for me. Which is how I just convinced myself to become a Creationist.
Out like science!
Of course, I didn’t say it. But why? Why wasn’t Widukind willing to totally pwn teh nubz0r? Because for some reason it’s ingrained in our society to not speak out to total strangers who are making total asses out of themselves. I for one find this extremely hard to do. The people who don’t are usually insane, or named Sam Fisher.
I think this concept is really stupid. Honestly, don’t you think it would make the world a better place if it was socially acceptable to sound off on those around you? Things like, “hey man, you smell like dookie”, or “hey, you look like a total douche bag in those crocs” or “you really suck when you drink” (aka, large majority of women between the ages of 13 and 100). Of course, any racial epithets or derogatory statements would still be unacceptable, but any frank observation about what your fellow human is up to would be perfectly fine. First of all, it would make people aware of things they do that make other people feel uncomfortable. Second, the people who do speak up when they shouldn’t would get a mouth-full, or better yet an ass-kicking, because before the institution of my great idea, they could get away scott free without any consequences. (Yeah I’m talking you, 8-year-old smartasses on the 24! No more!) This of course leads us to the conundrum of really big strong people who also happen to be assholes who would potentially end up ruling the world, but hey, that’s natural selection, right?
This leads me to my next topic. About 20 minutes after enduring the father who was unconsciously and figuratively defecating into my ear, some other woman whipped out her baby and changed his diaper in the middle of the airport. She literally yanked off his soiled underpants, wiped down his booty and ding-a-ling, and put a new diaper on. Lucky for me she was too far away for any smell to waft its way in to my nose, but I could only imagine what the people around her thought. This would have been a situation in which my prior idea would have worked perfectly. Example: “excuse me, ma’am, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you just rubbed a towelette up and down your babies poopy bottom right in front of my nose and then started wiping all over his scrotum, which all of a sudden made me feel very perverted because I was looking at a babies penis for an extended period of time” (note, I did NOT have this last thought, whatsoever). Anyways…
So then I started thinking, this baby really doesn’t care that it’s butt-nekkid in the middle of the airport. He’s just chilling getting free full-service, balls hanging out for all to see. So why can’t we all be like that? Think about it, man! First of all, we would save money on clothes. Second of all, stupid fashion designers who think they’re the shit because they came up with the idea of having a woman wear a dried elephant cock on her crotch would be out of a job. Third of all, because everyone would be naked, everyone would live in warm places and just be happier all the time. Fourth of all, hot people would have a huge advantage because ugly people couldn’t dress up and be deceiving in order to get some, so it would only be hot people making babies with hot people. Fifth, those babies would be even hotter than usual because we’d all be living in Hawaii and everyone would be hella tan.
But of course, if everyone was hot, consequently no one would be hot, and we’d be faced with quite a conundrum.
So, in conclusion, the world would be run by hot, strong, mean people. Since I only fulfill one of those categories (hot, duh), I would die. So, natural selection=not so good for me. Which is how I just convinced myself to become a Creationist.
Out like science!
1 comment:
widu. that was pure poetry. i have to agree with many of your observations, especially the one regarding the nutso, Sam Fisher. i hate that picture more that hairy-saggy boobies.
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