Widukinds Diary Entry #5: Boston Fans Need to Shut the Fuck Up Already...

I apologize for the lack of posts, but I've been so damn busy this past week I simply haven't had time. But honestly, I'm fucking sick of this fucking shit. This is prompted by a lot of stuff I've been reading and hearing over the past few weeks. So here's a memo from me to Boston:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We all know how great Boston sports are doing. I just wrote a sentence outlining the situation, but then I said to myself, "You know what, fuck this fucking shit."
If you don't know what's going on in Boston, I want to come live with you. My only issue with that solution is that plane tickets to FUCKING NAMIBIA are expensive as shit.
I thought the bragging and shit-talking and celebrating was annoying; now you're gonna feed me this unbelievable, diarrhea-barf-inducing SHIT about how you miss the good ol' days of losing? You know what? Fuck you, asshole.
In terms of the Red Sox, I would first like to point out how everyone seems to forget the Cubs haven't won a World Series in a long time too. Oh my god, I literally just thought to myself what the reaction would have been if it was Manny Ramirez who Steve Bartman fucked up, and at Fenway not Wrigley. Books would be written. Talk shows would be wasted. ESPN would devote 5 minutes to that highlight every show. For 10 years. Ew.
Second of all (still on the Red Sox here), you actually don't know what it's like to not win a World Series for 86 years. Sorry... asshole. Given that most true fans don't develop until say, 8 years of age(this is a lenient estimate), that would mean you would have been 94 years old in 2004. Take out the percentage of 94 year olds who are lying in bed drooling and pooping their pants 8 times a day (this suggests that they can't remember 1918 anyways, obviously) that's not alot of people left alive. Not to mention the percentage of the people who still are functional at 94 who are actually Sox fans.
Third of all, the Red Sox have been a very good baseball team for sometime now, so all you teenagers can shut the fuck up too about how painful it was to lose so much.

Stupid Boston Fan #1: "Oh but the Patriots were really bad for a long time. I know how it feels."
Stupid Boston Fan #2: "I miss when all us Red Sox fans wallowed together in our own despair."
Stupid Boston Fan #3: "The Celtic have been soooooooo pathetic! OMFG I eat semen!"

No, how about you shut the fuck up. Statements like these prove you have no idea what you're talking about. I don't buy the crap one bit about Boston fans missing losing; this to me is so much more obnoxious than any gloating I can imagine. I didn't read Bill Simmons 5 years ago, but I can (almost) guarantee you he never wrote a goddam column about how awesome it was that the Red Sox kept blowing it and he could bond with his fellow brewskie-drinking asshole friends. Winning is awesome. Winning is fun. Winning > Losing. Clearly Bostonians don't get algebra.

I've come to realize that true fans of sport acknowledge the diminished value of winning a championship. There's one every year; if it's not ours, then there's always next season. If our team does win, the buildup to the next season is exactly the same. We live with our teams, claim that their offseason signings and trades are utter genius, and still cheer them on when they turn out to be really sucky and have lost 8 games in a row and are starting Trent Dilfer.

If you have yet to catch on, I wouldn't be writing this if Bay Area sports hadn't reached their utmost suckfuckiness since...4 BCE (the Ohlone were apparently sick at corn-chucking). This is serving as a pact to myself when in 5 years Bay Area sports reign supreme, and we are all treated like gods and served those platters with grapes on them and have lots of concubines, I will NEVER, EVER, NEVERFUCKING EVER, reminisce to November, 2007, and say, "You know, those were the good ol' days."

Out like me from the Dirty in 24 hours.