Widukinds Diary Entry #25

Would it make a difference?

We like to think we're above animals. We call people who are doing things unbefitting of a person "an animal", even though all of us are animals in the first place. We think cats are retarded because they think scratching on doors makes them open. We think dogs are retarded because they eat their own shit (seriously, I watched Ned's dog eat its entire shit the other day right off the lawn, hot off the press...the fuck?).
But what if we were put in their place?

Allow me to elaborate. Say, when you were about one years old, just a squirmy little sapling writhing around in your blanky, face scrunched up, drool hanging from your mouth and diaper filling up with dookie, you were suddenly taken, bought even, by an alien race. Your new foster parents whisk you away to their distant home planet, and set you up in their house like a brand-new puppy. Just like a pet, you are constantly and irrevocably coddled; you have an over-sized pillow-like bed, with plenty of comfortable blankets. Your owners have a mix of food, grains, fruit, etc., that they feed you regularly every day. When you do something stupid they get angry, but you learn they'll forgive you in five minutes if you just suck their jagon or whatever appendages they may have. Maybe they even have a box of Gushers for when you're really good.

But here's the catch; the alien species with whom you are living operate on a completely different level than humans. What that technically means is not quite relevant here; it is assumed that since their cranial capacity is so beyond ours, the human mind would never be able to truly comprehend their issues. On top of that, and this is the real kicker, this species' linguistic capabilities are utterly unattainable by humans. Whether they have a different type of vocal chords or they communicate telepathically or whatever, someway or another absolutely, positively, no human would ever posses the minutest physical capacity necessary to communicate with them.

We know what we're capable of when we live together and are able to pool the powers of our respective minds; nuclear bombs, landing on the moon, nugget porn, La Taqueria tacos...the list goes on. However, these things all develop from (relative) necessity and our amazing linguistic ability. Yet as an alien's pet, you wouldn't need anything, and you would possess no semblance of formal language. How could you be affected by the fact that you had no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to speak your mind to, no one to joke with, play with, fight with, etc., if you had no idea those types of relations were even possible? How would your brain develop as the abstract-thinking machine it is meant to be if it had no media with which to do so? How incredibly stunted in general would your brain be?

Let's expand the hypothesis just one more step. What if, one day, some years in to your captivity, your owners leave the house and you find an opening to the outside world. Like a curious little kitten, you slink out, eyes wide and heart racing. Suddenly, out in the open, you come across another human pet that has also escaped from his or her neighboring home.

What. The. Fuck.

I have no idea where to go from there, but I can only imagine that after seeing another human after never even beginning to comprehend that another one existed, the rapid accumulation of the cacophony of severely ingrained emotions would come close to blowing my head apart. I find this potential meeting incredibly gripping. While I do believe that humans would be much less impressive as sentient beings if they were raised by a superior alien race, our brains are clearly far more advanced in nature than those of a dog or cat. If someone was able to pull an experiment like this off, how fucking fascinating would it be to observe these first encounters? Would the two humans moan like cats do, piss on the floor a bunch, and run away? Would they fight? Try and do each other? Develop some bizarre territorial ritual long-lost from the times of Cro-Magnons? Considering you would still possess all of your inherited genetic qualities, what do you think you would do?

This has been an issue and topic of discussion that has been eating at me like Neds dog eating its own shit. Entirely. Off the lawn. Right after it pooped it out. So I hope you enjoyed. I would love to hear some additional thoughts on the matter.

Out like did I mention that Neds dog ate its own poop? The whole thing? Steamy hot from its own butt? Holy shit.

Daniel Merriweather ft. Wale on Jimmy Poo

Mid-Season Fantasy Review

Jesus most likely poking at one of his massive lips

Another season with the Giants 10 games above .500, another mid-season fantasy review.

Wait, what? Now that's a statement I can fux wit.

Here’s the link to my post-draft review. As per usual I stand by all my analysis. If you want to bring up some of my egregious errors (coughKRODcoughMauercoughfjiabnsu), that’s fine, but there’s plenty of impressive foresight in there, too. So suck my balls.
Below is a chart of what our league would look like if we did Rotisserie scoring. For all the nublets: if you have the most HRs in the league, you get 12 points, second most gets 11 pts, etc. It’s just a different and slightly more accurate way of evaluating how good one’s team is, especially when compared with head-to-head. It’s pretty interesting (the computer I'm using is awful so this might get screwed up):

The standings in rotisserie are surprisingly definitive; Trevor’s team is excellent, Kremer’s is great, RJ’s is good, Me, Mark, and Baxter’s are solid, and Harrison’s is fucking terrible. Then there are the rest of you in the ever-exciting competition of “The-Team-That’s-Just-Not-Quite-Terrible-Enough-To-Just-Not-Quite-Make-The-Playoffs”! Hoo-ray! Sorry, but I don’t think they make a trophy for that one. For what it’s worth, the TTTJNQTETJNQMTP-Award race is ridiculously close. I anticipate its result with general apathy and a relative lack of zeal. I was actually quite dismayed to find that young Paduan Hart is getting quite lucky, and really the only one truly benefitting from the head-to-head style (the column on the right hand side shows the variance between hypothetical rotisserie standings and the real-life H2H standings). You're battling for a playoff spot when you really have no right to be. Get your nose out of Baxter’s ass, you pervert. Other than that, the standings are relatively fair.
Some interesting observations:
-For the most part, steals and runs seem to correlate, except in the cases of ZMath and the Bubster, who's relative SB and R scores differ immensely.
-Quality starts seems to be a fair 6th category. One would assume that it would go hand-in-hand with wins, but by simply looking at it I can't see how it's any different than the correspondence between wins and ERA or WHIP
-John is first in quality starts but last in ERA and second to last in WHIP.
-My team is grossly underperforming offensively. Look out in the second half, baby!

For my next trick, I thought I’d see how much of an effect Albert Pujols has had on RJ’s fantasy team this season. There are 32 first basemen owned in the league, so I picked the median, Paul Konerko, and saw what would happen to RJ’s total stats and rankings if Terminator T-82394042 got injured for the season, the universe subsequently collapsed, and RJ had to replace him with just an average Joe. In lab report form:

Hypothesis: Pujols=amazing.

Data:

Analysis:

Result of replacing Pujols with Konerko, with respective drop in Rotisserie rankings:
- Lose 33 runs = 4th place to 8th place (-5 points)
- Lose 16 HR = 4th place to 7th place (- 4 points)
- Lose 27 RBI = 5th place to 10th place (-7 points)
- Lose 10 steals = 3rd to 4th place (-1 point)
- Lose 17 points total (99 to 82) = tied with Ilan for 6th place instead of sitting comfortably at 3rd
Calculating the difference in OPS and AVG over a total season would be too hard, but given that Pujols has 30 points in AVG and .310 in OPS on Konerko, it’s safe to say that RJ would be in 7th instead of sitting comfortably in 3rd (in a Rotisserie set-up).

Conclusion: Pujols=Yahweh.

I hope the inner-nerd in all of you enjoyed this. I don't think I'll ever write anything with so many numbers in it again in my life, but hey, like I said...I'm a guru. It's my duty to disseminate knowledge, and destroy ignorance.

Good luck to everyone for the rest of the season.

Oh, and I'm still pissed about the whole veto fiasco. Douchbags.

Click for full-size picture...

Top 10 Baseball Seasons of All Time

Haven’t posted in a while, but a few discussions I’ve had with hartichoke and claw in the last few weeks have got me thinking. So I’ve come up with my own top 10 list: the top 10 seasons for an individual player in modern baseball history. I’ve included a few caveats: first, I haven’t really defined the term modern, but I don’t include anything before Ruth, mainly because it’s impossible to compare stats between that era and the current era; second, I’ve kinda shied away from naming pitchers, mainly because “good” pitching statistics have changed so much within even the last 20 years, so it’s a little hard to compare seasons. Still, I named a few pitchers simply because their numbers were impossible to ignore. Third, every player only appears once on the list. Lastly, I didn’t take into account the player’s team performance, but part of me feels that matters when one defines a “good” season.

1st. Ted Williams, Boston Red Sox, OF – 1941 Season
First off, fuck me for picking a Boston Red Sox as having the best season of all time. Secondly, fuck me for picking this season over Bonds ’01 season as a Giants fan. Basically, though, it comes down to age. Williams’ absurd season occurred at the age of 22. Jesus fucking Christ. Here’s the basic info for Williams’ season:

Okay, yes a few of Bonds’ seasons had better numbers than Williams. But, Ted Williams at the age of 22 hit .406 with 37 home runs, leading the league in both categories. Oh yeah and he walked 147 times and only struck out 27. First off, that’s a ratio of 5.4 walks to strikeout, and that also means he hit more home runs than strikeouts. That fact alone is worth his placement atop this list. I just imagine if a player in this day in age put up those numbers when he was 22. People were pooping themselves when Pujols hit 37 home runs as a rookie, but he only hit .330. Some people think Mauer could hit .400 at some point in his career, but Mauer will probably hit around 20 homeruns in a year once or twice only, with far more strikeouts. The concept of a player who could hit for such a large amount of power and hit for such a high average at such a young age is unbelievable to me.

2nd. Bob Gibson, St. Louis Cardinals, SP – 1968 Season
Had to put this season here, ahead of Bonds, because a pitcher needed to be No. 2. No doubt in my mind this is the greatest season a starting pitcher has ever had. Here are the stats:

The obvious number to look at here is the ERA. 1.12. I will shit my pants if anyone ever approaches this number during our lifetime. The complete games, shut outs, and strike outs are all pretty sick too, but they’re somewhat hard to compare to current numbers. That ERA, though, is pretty unbelievable.

3rd. Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants, OF – 2001 Season
Just look at the numbers, because no one’s ever going to come close to them again:

They speak for themselves. He may have been on steroids, but those numbers are undoubtedly the best flat out stats of all time. Numbers wise, you really can’t top Barry. The scariest part about these stats is from a technical standpoint this was Barry’s third best season. But it’d be stupid not to include the 73 home run season. On a slightly related note, Barry was walked intentionally 120 times in 04. 120 times!!! That’s almost once a game. Martyr

4th. Babe Ruth, New York Yankees, OF – 1920 Season
The only season to even come near Barry’s season from a statistical perspective:

As much as I love Barry, it’s hard to imagine a player who changed a game more than Ruth. Jesse made the comment that Bonds was the best player of all time because of how much the other team worried about him constantly, but I have to imagine it was even more the case for Ruth. He was putting up basically the same numbers in an era when the home run wasn’t even a big deal. Hell, they were recycling old balls in games at this time. I still think Barry’s a better player for the full package he offered over the course of his career (and don’t give me that fucking Ruth pitched shit, that part of the game was incomparable to now; Barry would have pitched if he had played in that era) but Ruth was better for his era.

5th. Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox, SP 2000 Season
Honestly, I completely forgot about this season. Mainly because I was too young to really pay attention to numbers, or because I wasn’t a fantasy god at this point. Either way, when I stumbled upon the numbers for this season I was blown away. You could definitely make the argument that this season was better than Gibson’s season.

The really absurd numbers here are the ERA+ and the WHIP. .737???? OMGzz Fantasy God. The strikeouts to walk ratio (8.875) is naice and the strikeouts per nine innings (11.8) is out of this world. You kinda forget how good Pedro was at his height. Throwing 98 with that much movement??!! He has double-jointed fingers, which means he can hold on to the ball longer than a regular pitcher, giving the ball an absurd amount of movement despite the high velocity (general rule of thumb is higher velocity, less movement because you throw “through” the movement, that’s why pitchers who are able to combine velocity and movement, a la Tim Lincecum, are so special). And that changeup? People used to talk about it moving an entire plate and falling off the table. Everyone’s talking about how Strasburg’s ability to combine high 90s to 100s velocity with movement is unprecedented in our lifetime. Fucktards. Pedro had the same velocity (dude used to hit 99) and more movement less than a decade ago. Everything current is over hyped (more on this point later).

6th. Joe DiMaggio, New York Yankees, OF 1937 Season
Gotta rep the San Francisco guy here. DiMaggio’s season, similar to Williams’ season, gets moved higher up the list a bit because he was only 22 and it was only his second year.

This season doesn’t quite look as unbelievable as some of the other seasons, mainly because of the lower walk totals leading to a lower OBP and OPS. The reason for these lower totals was the man behind DiMaggio for most of the year: Lou Gehrig. Gehrig won the MVP in 1936, and in 1937 he had almost as good a year as DiMaggio, with actually higher OPS and OPS+. You weren’t going to walk DiMaggio to face Gehrig. That definitely helped DiMaggio’s power stats, but it hurt his walk stats. Still, this was a pretty unbelievable season.

7th. Lou Gehrig, New York Yankees, 1B 1927 Season
I’m gonna say it right now, and many people are going to disagree. Lou Gehrig needs to be in the discussion with the best hitters of all time. He ebbed and flowed a little bit more than some of the other people in the discussion, but if he doesn’t get sick, he hits over 600 home runs, if not more, with a near .340 career BA, around Ted Williams’ average. He got sick when he was 34. Most players played until they were 40 or 41. Oh and he put up the numbers he put up while playing every game, every day. The “Iron Horse” was way sweeter than Ripken.

Good good numbers. Comparable to any other season ever.

8th. Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves, SP 1994 Season
Mad Dog fucking shoved. No one really remembers how good he was, but he was so fucking sick.

He even struck people out at a pretty good rate in 1994. That ERA and ERA + are pretty disgusting, so is the low, low walk total. Smartest player ever to play the game.

9th. Sandy Koufax, Los Angeles Dodgers, SP 1966 Season
Go Jews. No but seriously, best Jew ever. This season was pretty disgusting. He actually had four seasons in a row that might have been the best four years for a pitcher ever. He won Cy Youngs in 3 of the 4 and would have won in all 4 if he didn’t get injured and pitch only 223 innings that year (“only”).

Even in an era when pitchers threw more innings than they do now, Koufax threw a lot of innings. Apparently, in one game during this year, Sandy (who only had two pitches) threw a curveball in the second inning that bounced in the dirt. After the pitch, he called the catcher out to the mound and told him that his arm hurt to much to throw any more curves, so he was just gonna have to throw all fastballs today. He pitched a complete game shutout with 8 strikeouts. Oh yeah, and during the four year stretch when he was so good, he couldn’t straighten his arm for the last two seasons. Given that knowledge, it’s not surprising he retired after the 1966 Season. Still, besides maybe Barry Sanders in the NFL, I can’t think of another player retiring after the four best years of his career.

10th. Willie Mays, San Francisco Giants, OF 1954 Season
Fuck yeah Giants. I’ve included this season to illustrate my final point of this post: Willie Mays is the best player of all time. First the stats, then I’ll explain why they’re special:

This was Willie’s first season back from the War in Korea, and it was definitely one of the best. Basically, Willie missed nearly two years in the prime of his career, yet he still hit 660 home runs. Over the course of his career, Willie hit approximately .22 home runs per game. In the nearly two years willie was gone, he missed 266 games. Assuming he kept his lifetime average for home runs, Willie could have expected to hit around 59 home runs in those missing games, meaning he would ended up with 719 home runs for his career, breaking Ruth’s record. That’s a low estimate, though, because over the four years following his return, Mays’ hit home runs at a clip of about .27 per game, meaning he would have been expected to hit around 71 home runs in the 266 games he missed. Therefore he would have been expected to end up with around 731 home runs for his career, destroying Ruth’s record. Basically, if Mays doesn’t go to Korea for a pointless war (fuck Korea) Mays breaks Ruth’s record.

Honorable mentions: Jimmy Foxx in 1932 or 1938, Nolan Ryan in 1973, Ichiro in 2001, Albert Pujols in 2008, Ken Griffey Jr. in 97 (sick season), Mickey Mantle in 1957 (probably the one most deserving of the honorable mentions), Ricky Henderson in 1990 (the year he did everything, not just steal), Eric Gagne in 2003, Mark McGwire in 1998, Randy Johnson in 2004 (not an unbelievable statistical year, but he had a 20 strikeout game and a perfect game in the same year…at the age of 40), Alex Rodriguez in 2007, Willie McCovey in 1969, and Stan Musial in 1948 (another very deserving year).

In the end, I think if the question was asked who was the best hitter in their prime, the only people worth discussing are Mays, Ruth, Williams, Gehrig and Bonds, with the caveat that Bonds isn’t included in this group if he doesn’t take steroids. I don’t think Pujols is in the discussion yet. The numbers he puts up are good, very good. But he is a model of consistency more than the potential best player of all time. Mays put up similar home run numbers, with around the same average, but much more steals in his prime. Ruth put up higher power numbers and a higher average in a dead ball era. Williams put the same power numbers but with a higher average. Gehrig had a higher average and the same power numbers too. And Bonds, well Bonds had the best numbers of anyone ever. That said, Pujols has a real chance to have the best year of his career this year. His previous best year when you focus only on home runs and average is 06 when he hit 49 home runs and had a .331 BA., almost exactly the same as Bonds’ best year pre-steroids (1993). This year he could conceivably hit for the same average but with 50+ home runs, putting him in the discussion for best hitter in their prime. As it is know, though, I don’t even think Pujols is the best Cardinal hitter in his prime: I’d take Stan Musial.

The reason I’d still say Mays is the best player ever is he put up those ridiculous numbers while missing two years, as mentioned previously, but also while playing most of his best years at the Polo Grounds, where it was 483 to center. He it 51 home runs without being able to hit a home run to centerfield (literally, no one ever hit a home run over the centerfield wall in the history of the polo grounds). I have to imagine he had at least a few deep flyouts that would have been gone other places, but you can’t really think about that. And he was sick at defense. And he stole bases. Sick.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKEL!!!!

Widukind Diary Entry #24: A Brief History of Man

Parts Sold Separately. Available at your local Wal-Mart.

Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? Who was the first dude with enough balls to come up with the idea of riding a fucking elephant? How come Shia LeBouf gets all the girls? How come I keep losing all my shit?
Other than the last one, I don't have any answers (which would be:"I'm an idiot"...seriously though, aren't these kinda things supposed to come in threes? Fuck.) But it's sure fun to talk about.
Recently I've been caught up with the thought of the continuing survival of mankind. Most people seem to be convinced that we're all gonna die pretty soon. That's the way nature works. Polar ice caps melting, nuclear winter, meteor; somehow, we're fucked. But what if none of that happens? Or, it at least doesn't happen for a very, very, very long time?
Humans aren't like any other species that's existed on this planet. Dinosaurs did not have condoms (imagine what the herp on a Brontosaurus' vajine would look like). The Dodo did not have modern medicine. Or government. Or agriculture. Or science. Or boobs. What if, just what if, human civilization sticks around for another million years or so? And by this I don't mean I Am Legend/The Road sticking around, I mean serious cooperation and advancement; no devastating natural disasters or war, no eat-your-balls-and-then-your-face bacteria. Some how, some way, we just persist.
What would we look like? Sound like? What would we do for fun? How hot would teh babez0rz be?
Because Stephen Hawking hasn't discovered how to get through wormholes yet (seriously Steve-O step up your fucking game), we have no way of answering these questions. But a question I think is very interesting to think about is, if humans continued for a million years just like we have for the last 200,000 or so, how the hell would you go about explaining the history of the human race? Even weirder, how the hell would you go about comprehending the history of the human race?
How fucking nutty would it be if 200,000 years from now, some dude is sitting on his "couch" watching a "television" show that depicts our way of life in the year 2009 in the same manner that the life of the earliest Homo sapiens sapiens is depicted to us? What if most of what is happening now, or has happened since say, the Ancient Greeks, is forgotten and looked over? It could be that the only information that survives is how we got kinda fat and actually dropped nukes on each other this one time. What if Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen is the new Cro-Magnon cave paintings? Whoa...
It seems crazy to think that everything that happened in the past 100, 1,000, or 10,000 years could eventually be summed up in one sentence of a history textbook ("then, because they needed porn so bad, the ancient humans invented 'the internet.'") It seems crazy, but in reality, shit like this has already happened. Alot.

A specific example are the famous Anasazi. What is weird here is that they did not call themselves the Anasazi. Nobody knows what they were called. "Anasazi" is just the Navajo word for "ancient ones". All we have left of them is a bunch of sweet ruins built in to the sides of canyons, and a name the Navajo gave them. It's an entire civilization summed up in one word.
I like thinking about this because it puts things in perspective, and it really opens the mind to imaging how incredible things could be in a few thousand years. But, thinking about this is also a little unnerving to me, simply because it implies that 99.99999999999% of things that are happening right now that I think are so fucking awesome are going to be completely forgotten (Gushers and XBOX Live whatup???). People want to be remembered, either individually or collectively; but the reality remains that the percentage of your image persisting through the ages is extremely thin.
We don't even know who built Stonehenge. I mean, how pissed off do you think the Druid-King-Ancient-Mystic-Alien who designed and built that fucking thing would be if he found out that nobody in the future knew who the fuck he was? The only thing that remains of his legacy would be that he was a big astronomy dork.

This is getting a bit rambly, but this just leads me to my next point: the Great Pyramid of Giza is mindblowingly awesome.

The Facts:

• It contains more than 2.3 million blocks. It was built over 20 years-that's a rate of 315 blocks per day.
  
• It weighs ~13,007,140,000 pounds. That's 30 Sears Towers.
  
• The four sides of the pyramid are accurate to within 0.6 inches.
  
• Oh, yeah...it was finished in 2560 BC.
  

2560 B fucking C.

That's 1300 years before Ramesses the Great ruled Egypt. It's even 300 years before they think Stonehenge was finished. If you haven't caught on yet...that is FUCKING OLD. King Khufu knew what was really good in terms of putting your stamp on the world.
What I'm getting at here is that our history is already getting muddled. We have no idea how they built things like the Pyramids and Stonehenge. I have no way of comprehending what life looked like back then, not to mention 100,000 years ago when Buk-Buk was sprinting shoeless through the bush with his hang-down flopping from side to side trying to take down a water buffalo.
Did you know that 80,000 of the 160,000+ plus years Homo sapiens sapiens have been in existence was spent dicking around in Africa? Or that >90% of the time we've been around was spent running around killing marmots and eating blueberries? We have no way of thinking about this in realistic terms. It just doesn't register.
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this same thing will happen (barring some sort of cataclysmic event that wipes us off the face of the Earth). So fuck you, little future douchebag munching down on your SpaceChips in front of your home theatre that emits smells while watching some documentary about how the Homo sapien s@piens were obsessed with a video of two girls eating shit out of each others mouths.

I enjoy my coprophiliac-themed theatre.

Fuck you, future.

Download this mixtape...

Wale - Back to the Feature Mixtape
Have yet to hear a song that does not go. Smokin'

65 Years ago...

On this day this happened:






Thank you from all of us at DressArchie.

It makes me feel like a huge pussy to think about stuff like this.

Hartichoke's (AKA The Artist Formerly known as hungryfortacos) Definitive Top 10 Least Badass Characters List

This man stands for everything this list does notstand for...

The other day our great comrade Widukind came up with a comprehensive list of those individuals with whom one does not want to fuck with. Today, I present a list of characters who anyone would, and could without repercussions, fuck up easily. Enjoy.

Honorable Mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development- Too nice/funny), Fredo Corleone (The Godfather- might be mentally disabled), Andy (Steve Carrell from 40 Year Old Virgin (too likeable), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playist (too barfy).

Now without further ado...
10a and 10b:


Private Blithe (Band of Brothers) and Corporal Upham (Saving Private Ryan)
These two characters are tied because, let's face it, they're exactly the same. Both are big pussies in Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg World War II works. They both can't deal with war for a little while, then feel vindicated when they kill a single Nazi. Sorry guys, you already blew your chance to be hard when you were crying while your fellow soldiers were taking on the krauts.

9:

Commodus (Gladiator)
Huge non-badass. Basically a huge pussy that only comes to power by killing his father. Then only kills Maximus by stabbing him while Maximus is in chains. And still gets killed by a mortally wounded badass. Bonus points though for being played by Joaquin Phoenix, if you haven't already watch his interview on Letterman. Priceless.

8:

Karen Crowder (The big bitch from Michael Clayton)
If you've ever seen this movie, you know why she's on this list. I hated her more than almost any other character from any movie. This type of woman just kinda pisses me off in general.

7:

Any Character from a Bronte Work
We all know the Bronte sisters. And we all know their work. And we all know how soft that work is. And how every male character, and to some extent female character, seems like they have been neutered. Don't every try to tell me Heathcliffe is kinda mean... if was really tough he wouldn't be in a Bronte work.

6:

Owen Wilson in Marley and Me
I haven't seen this movie, but Owen Wilson just looked like he sucked from the previews.

5:

Baby Bop (Barney)
Don't try and tell me that you didn't watch Barney. And that you didn't hate Baby Bop. And don't try and tell me that Barney doesn't do unspeakable things to that ass every night cause you know he does.

4:

Vito Spatafore ( The Sopranos)
Gets bonus points for being a mobster, and actually being tough, but is here for 5 simple words: "I love you Johnny Cakes"

3:

The movie Hairspray
I woke up on an airplane once and this was on. I proceeded to watch without sound, what has to be the worst, and lamest movie of all time. I know it was a play and all, but god damn people have poor taste some time.

2:

Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)
Definition of a certain 4 letter word that my mother hates. This woman should get the crucio curse. Or a double crucio curse.

1:

Eli Sunday (There Will be Blood)
Damn right we drink your milkshake. The two scenes where he gets beaten down are pretty awesome, and he's the perfect foil to the badass that is Daniel Plainview. In the words of Senor Plainview: "You were just the afterbirth".

Much love, let's keep the blog and the top 10 lists rolling. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.

Love,
The artist formerly known as Hungryfortacos

A Day That Will Live in Infamy: The Sad Tale of Middlesbrough

My friends, we have all just been witness to one of the most tragic occurrences not only in the history of football, but in all of human history. Middlesbrough, the gleaming jewel of the river Tees, the penultimate representation of class and character in modern sport, has been relegated. Next year while you all cheer on your respective top-flight clubs as they duke it out on the world stage, my team of choice will be playing the likes of Doncaster, Nottingham Forest, and my old favorite club, Sheffield Wednesday.

It has been a long and tumultuous road, but it is a relief that it is over. Now that the deed has been done, I sit back and quietly reflect on how I first became a 'Boro fan. Sitting in my easy chair in the computer room of the Friese household with my brand new copy of FIFA '07 in hand, I told myself, "Mark, you are not a sheep. You are a shepherd. You cannot simply follow the crowd and become another Arsenal fan or a Chelsea fan. You shall be different." So I began my search for a team that had three main characteristics: a potent offense, a pathetic defense, and a decent amount of cash to spend on free agents. As I scoured the rosters, I saw my old favorite Mark Viduka paired with Yakubu, who I had watched on Fox Soccer Channel only two days before (I had watched him miss an all-too-casual penalty kick, but I saw him nonetheless). I saw Mark Schwarzer, the kindly Aussie between the posts. The attraction was instantaneous.

6 seasons later, with 6 Premiership titles, 5 FA cup titles (I lost one to Manchester United), and 5 Champions League trophies (I lost to the Norwegian club Brann one year when their goalie saved about 30 shots in a game) in hand, my legacy was complete. Winston O'Malley, the fictional 'Boro manager, had established himself as the premier football motivator on Earth, and had led Middlesbrough to 6 straight seasons of over 90 points. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the joyous times I had watching old Winston lead the lads to victory. But it is over now. A new leaf has been turned.

It has been quite a blow for me, particularly considering my brash prediction last year that we would be playing in Europe in '09-'10 (which can be seen on RJ's wall), but my love for 'Boro will never die. I am at least taking it much better than this fellow is for Newcastle.

I now know I must find a new club to root for until they manage to climb their way back into top competition. I must humbly ask you all of your opinion. Who should I support? Finally, thank you for your support in this most troubling time. 

Widukind's Top Ten Most Bad-Ass Characters Of FOREVER

Jiggly Puff will FUCK you up

This list started many moons ago while I was lying in bed trying to list the “Top Ten Best Characters Ever”, but when I found myself seriously considering Lúrtz, I knew I had to reevaluate my criteria. The Artist Formerly Known As Hungryfortacos' list clearly inspired me to finish this one but unlike his, this list covers all mediums. Media. Mediae...aso;djfipadnssdfjn. Unfortunately there are repeats, but what can you do. I tried be somewhat original so some members of the Honorable Mention category may seem more worthy, but I wrote this whole thing, so go fuck yourself. Please feel free to suggest additions, and/or amendments.

10. Lúrtz (Lord of the Rings)

Well, I mean…duh.

9. The Genie (Aladdin)

I like this movie. Say what you want about a Disney character making this list, but he could probably fuck up anybody on here if he was asked to. Which is exactly why he just sneaks in at #9…he can’t do anything unless he’s told to, and when he’s let out of the lamp his powers reduce greatly. Freedom isn’t free!!!

8. Okonkwo (Things Fall Apart)

(Artist's Rendition)

Anyone who can be so driven to dominate a society by having to grow a shit-load of yams earns a high grade in my book. Also, cutting down your own adopted son in the jungle with a machete=maybe kinda bad-ass. He also tries to kill his wife when she fucks up a meal or something. The only knock against Okonkwo is that he hangs himself at the end, a drastic deviation from his cultural norms, but it really just makes him all the more badass because he would rather die than conform to Whitey.

7. Magneto (Hella X-Men shit)

Far and away the greatest superhero ever (that’s right, hero. Deal with it. The dude’s family was slaughtered in a concentration camp! All he wants is for the same thing not to happen to mutants.) He can control bullets. He can make floaty-disks out of the iron in your blood. He pulls off purple hella well. If you’re not down with Magneto, you’re a Nazi.

6. Gandalf (Hella Lord of the Rings shit)

Potential child-molesting tendencies aside, this old fart managed to directly or indirectly take down Sauron, Sarumon, Durin’s Bane, the Nazgul, and the entire Uruk-Hai/Cave Troll/Orc army at Helm’s Deep. That’s a top-ten Badass list in the making right there. Not to mention he’s like 800-years old when all that goes down. I’m not trying to fux with a Balrog with my wrinkled-ass balls flapping everywhere…are you?

5. Predator (Predator, Predator 2, AvP, AvP 2)

Predator is fucking awesome.

4. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)

Commander of the armies of the North. Leader of the Felix Legion. Servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next. (When I wrote this off the top of my head, I had “Phoenix” instead of “Felix” and “shall” instead of “will”. I’ve watched this movie almost as much as the Namesake with “One Night in Paris”. Zing!)

3. Hanuman (Bhagavad Gita and some other Hindu shit)

HEYO major sleeper pick!!!! Judaism produced a guy that could part water, Christianity a guy who can resurrect himself, Buddhism some dude who didn’t eat for hella long, and Islam a bunch of bearded assholes, but Hinduism brought us a bad-ass monkey-god who can walk across oceans and pick up whole mountains and grow to any size he wants and take on whole armies by himself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner (none for you, Buddha).

2. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Argue with this pick and I’ll diarrhea into a syringe and inject it straight into your right ventricle.

1. Omar (The Wire)

I tried being creative here, but this choice is simply unavoidable. What really seals the deal for Omar is that despite two major qualities that would seem un-bad-assly (being a homothapien and MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting popped by a little kid), no Wire fan would ever, ever argue against his bad-assitudlyness.

Honorable Mention:

Grampa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Al Swearengen (Much love, Hartichoke)

Kaiser Soze (Looks too much like a bitch)

Agent Smith (Fuck Neo)

Michael Corleone (Too obvious)

Tony Soprano (Too obvious)

General Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game"

Jules Winnfield (Too obvious)

Farva (Not tough enough)

Reggie Hammond (Tough to leave him off)

Lu Bu (Well, I mean...duh)

T-1000 (He turns into silver stuff)

The Killer Rabbit ("Look at the bones!")