Jesus most likely poking at one of his massive lips
Another season with the Giants 10 games above .500, another mid-season fantasy review.
Wait, what? Now that's a statement I can fux wit.
Here’s the link to my post-draft review. As per usual I stand by all my analysis. If you want to bring up some of my egregious errors (coughKRODcoughMauercoughfjiabnsu), that’s fine, but there’s plenty of impressive foresight in there, too. So suck my balls. Below is a chart of what our league would look like if we did Rotisserie scoring. For all the nublets: if you have the most HRs in the league, you get 12 points, second most gets 11 pts, etc. It’s just a different and slightly more accurate way of evaluating how good one’s team is, especially when compared with head-to-head. It’s pretty interesting (the computer I'm using is awful so this might get screwed up):
The standings in rotisserie are surprisingly definitive; Trevor’s team is excellent, Kremer’s is great, RJ’s is good, Me, Mark, and Baxter’s are solid, and Harrison’s is fucking terrible. Then there are the rest of you in the ever-exciting competition of “The-Team-That’s-Just-Not-Quite-Terrible-Enough-To-Just-Not-Quite-Make-The-Playoffs”! Hoo-ray! Sorry, but I don’t think they make a trophy for that one. For what it’s worth, the TTTJNQTETJNQMTP-Award race is ridiculously close. I anticipate its result with general apathy and a relative lack of zeal. I was actually quite dismayed to find that young Paduan Hart is getting quite lucky, and really the only one truly benefitting from the head-to-head style (the column on the right hand side shows the variance between hypothetical rotisserie standings and the real-life H2H standings). You're battling for a playoff spot when you really have no right to be. Get your nose out of Baxter’s ass, you pervert. Other than that, the standings are relatively fair. Some interesting observations: -For the most part, steals and runs seem to correlate, except in the cases of ZMath and the Bubster, who's relative SB and R scores differ immensely. -Quality starts seems to be a fair 6th category. One would assume that it would go hand-in-hand with wins, but by simply looking at it I can't see how it's any different than the correspondence between wins and ERA or WHIP -John is first in quality starts but last in ERA and second to last in WHIP. -My team is grossly underperforming offensively. Look out in the second half, baby!
For my next trick, I thought I’d see how much of an effect Albert Pujols has had on RJ’s fantasy team this season. There are 32 first basemen owned in the league, so I picked the median, Paul Konerko, and saw what would happen to RJ’s total stats and rankings if Terminator T-82394042 got injured for the season, the universe subsequently collapsed, and RJ had to replace him with just an average Joe. In lab report form:
Hypothesis: Pujols=amazing.
Data:
Analysis:
Result of replacing Pujols with Konerko, with respective drop in Rotisserie rankings: - Lose 33 runs = 4th place to 8th place (-5 points) - Lose 16 HR = 4th place to 7th place (- 4 points) - Lose 27 RBI = 5th place to 10th place (-7 points) - Lose 10 steals = 3rd to 4th place (-1 point) - Lose 17 points total (99 to 82) = tied with Ilan for 6th place instead of sitting comfortably at 3rd Calculating the difference in OPS and AVG over a total season would be too hard, but given that Pujols has 30 points in AVG and .310 in OPS on Konerko, it’s safe to say that RJ would be in 7th instead of sitting comfortably in 3rd (in a Rotisserie set-up).
Conclusion: Pujols=Yahweh.
I hope the inner-nerd in all of you enjoyed this. I don't think I'll ever write anything with so many numbers in it again in my life, but hey, like I said...I'm a guru. It's my duty to disseminate knowledge, and destroy ignorance.
Good luck to everyone for the rest of the season.
Oh, and I'm still pissed about the whole veto fiasco. Douchbags.
Well this took forever. As usual, I stand 100% behind all predictions, no matter how stupid I look come years end. Onward and upward!
Eliza’s Spicy Balls – Kremdawg
As usual you have compiled a solid team with the draft. I like your first four rounds with Hanley, Berkman, Manny, and McCann, but rounds 5-14 I don’t like so much. Those rounds are key to building a championship team. Oswalt and Beckett are steady, but Ludwick, Dempster, Mark Reynolds, Mike Aviles, Ricky Nolasco, and Brian Wilson are a little underwhelming for the middle rounds. Nolasco could be a total stud, though, so I kinda take that back. However, you picked up the effort late with Mike Gonzalez/Brandon Morrow, as well as the vastly underrated Ted Lilly. A lot of people like Shin-Shoo Choo as well this season. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. That’s what he looks like. Good team, but not enough guys on offense that have to potential to have a significant impact.
Best Pick: Lilly. ~15 wins with close to 200 Ks with a steady ERA and WHIP at 217 overall. That’s almost 100 picks after Lowe, who is only slightly better, if at all.
Worst Pick: Mike Aviles. He had a nice season last year, but why take him in the 11th when someone like Joakim Soria is there who would have helped your weak RP situation greatly, or Howie Kendrick who went a round later?
Your team name blows. What’s with you and queefs? You must be around them a lot….hmm. I’m really not that into your team right now. Your infield is solid, but where is your power going to come from? Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed for “some reason”. I like Granderson, Milledge, and Upton as players, but as your top 3 outfielders there’s cause for concern. CC and Shields are nice, but Greinke. Wow. Let’s talk about this, everyone. Day before the draft, RJ asks, “who are your sleepers, oh fantasy genius and general really awesome dude?” and I say “well, I like Zack Greinke” and RJ’s all like, “eh, he’s ok. I like Ross from Friday Night Lights a lot more though!!! LOL!!!” What a homo. Despite said conversation, he takes Greinke in the 9th round, ahead of where he’s going in most drafts, as if he were some sort of “sleeper”. Wow RJ. You suck at life.
Best Pick: I like Baker and Slowey, especially where you got them. But getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.
Worst Pick: I don’t really like the Chipper pick. Guys like Magglio Ordonez and Jermaine Dye went later in the round and could have given your team some needed power at the OF spot. Also the Greinke pick. Wow. Oh and I said I liked Milledge, too. Wow. DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN? CAPITALS MEAN THIS IS SERIOUS, RJ! I DON’T THINK HALF YOUR BRAIN EXISTS...HOLY SHIT.
A Big Poo Poo Train – Dumbo
A finalist for best name year-in, year-out. Unfortunately this review won’t be nearly as scintillating as last year’s lambasting of your personal psychosis since you weren’t at the draft and weren’t able to totally blow it. Rounds 2-6 returned you little value. Phillips is versatile, but suffered big drops in production last year after 07’s breakout. Vlad is on a depressing downslide because he’s so awesome, and Rios and Hart are pretty much the same player. Carlos Guillen is simply shit-on-my-face bad, and as your only option at 1st I’d get out the baby wipes. Because, you know, he’s going to shit on your face because he’s so bad. The pitching is one big injury risk; pretty much everyone there spent significant time on the DL last season, and the guy who had the most innings is missing the first half of the season (Sheets). I like the potential of this group though, so it’s not all bad.
Best Pick: Hard because of the autopick, so…Michael Bourn. Obviously.
Worst Pick: Ben Sheets. At 142? Ouch. I don’t even think this guy’s on a team right now, which is too bad because I like him a lot.
Tomahawkcock – Juanfeesh
You say you think Archie has the best name, which I believe to be true, but don’t sell yourself short. Somehow it works, and influenced me to steal the rhyme theme. Your lineup has some big time fantasy contributors at the top with Reyes, Quentin, Holliday, Martin, and Gonzalez. Haters are hating Gonzalez for whatever reason, but the dude is just solid. However, the drop-off after that is significant. Ethier is nice, but Mora should regress, Teahen is just bleh, and Garret Anderson had to ask for special Depends-fitted pants before the season started. It’s true. Your pitching is not any better, although I approach with caution remembering I ripped into yours last year and I’m pretty sure it turned out damn good. Volquez just threw so many innings last season, Burnett is making the dreaded “good-but-kinda-overrated pitcher switch to the Yankees”, and Carmona was a bust last season. However, I commend you for sticking to your hometown talents in Cahill and Anderson. They are nice!
Best Pick: You grabbed Quentin earlier than he’s going in most drafts, but I think he’ll be just fine this season, so well done. However, a surprisingly astute pick in St. Louis’ potential closer Jason Motte wins it this time.
Worst Pick: Burnett. I don’t know why, but the injuries earlier in his career paired with the move to New York has me pooping my pantaloons (see: Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, etc.).
My penis dresses up – Heshen Baby
Any time a team appears with the word “penis” and without capitalization I know who it is. Good for you Hesh. You grabbed the “wow that was retarded” prize selecting Youkilis at 20th overall. Your explanation (“I don’t know baseball”) was disappointing. But, never to disappoint just once in a single draft, you racked up two “WTWR” awards in consecutive picks taking Aubrey fucking Huff with your next. Jesus. Your offense is just terrible. You drafted AJ Pierzynski. You should die. Your pitching is probably worse than your offense, considering Duchshsfdsfchchser is hurt and Huston Street is your only reliever. Saying this is probably going to bite me in the ass later when Joba Chamberlain wins the Cy Young and Xavier Nady hits 50 homeruns, but…there is now a level zero.
Best Pick: Uh…I think Bedard could be nice this year, but I gotta go with Pablo “Best Player of the Century” Sandoval. Dude just rakes.
Worst Pick: AJ Pierzysnki. Seriously, this beats your two “WTWR” awards. Not really. But. Actually, really.
Salad Tossers – Clayton Canielsen
At least this year you balanced your “MY TEM IS TEH BEST CHAMPIUNSIHP OO YAA!” quotes with “My team sucks” quotes. Your offense is pretty good, actually. Accidentally picking Alex Gordon sucks, but if you slide Cabrera to 3rd and Delgado to 1st, that’s still a solid infield. Jose Lopez put up way better numbers than I thought last year. It will suck when Milton gets hurt, but your outfield is good, too. Lincecum, Harden, and Dice-K ( <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>‘_’)>: that’s what he looks like…in REAL LIFE!) are a good top three. Just hope they stay healthy, because the rest of your pitching sucks. Ass. Ziegler is a good pick though, as Devine looks like he could be hurt…God, that was surprisingly painless. Well done, Clay. Or, maybe poorly done, because for the first time you officially failed to make me want to shoot myself watching you draft.
Best Pick: I really like Miguel Cabrera this year and was counting on you taking someone retarded so he would fall to me, but you didn’t. However, I like Milton Bradley the most.
Dark chocolate; MLB could use more of it.
Worst Pick: Saying Alex Gordon would be unfair, but it did fuck you in the anoos (RJs toy cylinder has been known to sneak around). However, I have to give this to K-Rod. He sucks. He always lets runners on. His velocity has been going down steadily. Last year was just weird. He just blows.
A-Fraud poos needles – Zmath
Give up on the steroids jokes Zmoney, its old news. Pretty solid team here…Red Sox dick-sucking notwithstanding (to be fair you only drafted three, but still. RED SOX SUX MY COX). I like VMart to rebound from injury, as well as Big Papi. He could be back with a vengeance this season. Still waiting for Ryan Zimmerman to put it all together, and Furcal and Matsui present some injury risk, but I like the balance on offense. Swisher is another nice rebound candidate that you snagged late at no risk. Interesting approach on pitching, for sure. Two starters drafted? I’m all for laying off pitching during the draft, but you may have put yourself in a big hole there. Papelbon/Lidge/Broxton is a nasty hydra-saves-machine. But fuck Papelbon. ROIDS.
Best Pick: Big Papi at 55 has to win it here. You got a bunch of nice value late, but this guy remains an elite talent who just had an unfortunate injury last season.
Worst Pick: Papelbon at 66. Just ludicrous. Fuck closers. Fuck Papelbon. Fuck Boston. You shoulda picked Mike Matthay here…Fantasy camp! Fantasy camp!
Poo-Taste Fart Tart – King Solomon…(me, in layman’s terms)
My offense is fucking great with the potential of being absolutely devastating. Even without Wieters and A-Rod in my start-of-the-season lineup, it’s damn strong top to bottom. That being said, I am absolutely aware of the risk I have placed on myself heading into the season. Two players who aren’t playing off the bat; Wieters in AAA, at whom all signs point to being a total star, and A-Rod, coming off injury. However, for every Evan Longoria and Tim Lincecum there is an Alex Gordon and Homer Bailey, so my expectations for Wieters remain reserved. A-Rod, well, he’s A-Rod, and I think he’ll be just fine. My pitching is solid, considering I waited until the 10th round to take a starter. I like my comeback candidates in Harang and Carpenter, and have a few nice relievers on my squad as well. Pitching is always easier to find than hitting over the course of the season, and I trust my Jesus-esque waiver wire abilities to come through.
Best Pick: I like Matt Kemp a lot, but since I ripped into RJ for taking him so early last year I will refrain. I’ll go with my two late picks of potentially stat-stuffing closers, Kevin Gregg and Trevor Hoffman (hopefully healthy soon).
Worst Pick: Wieters. His value is certainly higher than where I got him at 104, but RJ correctly called me out as my clock ticked by saying I was “choking”. He’s an uber talent, but with the Arod pick earlier I really don’t need two guys sitting on my bench who aren’t playing.
Jayne Appel-Bottom (what the hell does that even mean?) - Lani Baxter
I don’t think your team is any good. Your infield is pretty nondescript; Cantu has hit 28+ homers twice, but I don’t see it happening again. I don’t like Ryan Theriot or Casey Blake just because I don’t like them. Your OF/UT spots make up for it a bit, but Pena’s production dipped sharply after his breakout in 07 and from Maybin down your bench is unproven with a bunch of guys who are fighting for playing time. Your pitching is incredibly thin, with Santana already hurt, big question marks in Verlander, Cueto, and Hughes, and only one reliever. This team just makes me want to…sit here. Excitement on the Appel-Bottom front is lacking in 2009.
Best Pick: Carl Crawford could be a nice bet at 33rd overall if he’s hopefully healthy. Maybin is a nice value at 208. Maybin is a weird name. Maybin. Maybin. Maybin. Huh…
Worst Pick: I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.
Mr. Hands’ Team – Nastydogg/HomelessNigg/I boinked your sister
Despite the trash-talking, you are certainly one of this crowd’s fantasy elite. I swear you happen to stumble upon at least 2 or 3 out-of-nowhere studs every year, though I don’t have evidence to back it up because I’m too lazy to try and find any. Your team is solid. The infield is very good, though I expect a drop from Ramirez, but an uptick in production from Rollins. You have nice balance in the outfield with McLouth/Abreu/Cruz/Young, all guys who could provide solid power/speed numbers. However, I don’t see any real studs in that group. Some hunks, sure, but no studs. Yes homo. I like your pitching as well; you snagged a few guys I was targeting (Lindstrom, Garza, Jimenez), and paired them at the top with the rock-solid Brandon Webb and last year’s Esteban Loaiza, Cliff Lee. I have no idea what he’s going to do this year, so I won’t even try.
Best Pick: I really like Matt Garza for whatever reason. I think he could put together a very solid season, with good stats at every starter category. Adam Jones at 202 could be good value, as well as Beltre (who I also wanted) at 183.
Worst Pick: Alexei Ramirez at 58. Call me a Negative Nancy, but I’m just not buying it. His power increased in the second half last year but his average fell precipitously (that means a lot).
Blow My Meat Whistle – Caribou-herder
Trevor, I’m glad you found a time-slot in between caribou-milking sessions to join us for the draft. (These caribou jokes aren’t going to stop, by the way.) Your offense is very strong. Tejada is kinda done, but Howard, Utley, Ramirez are a good top three and you complement them well in the OF and UT spots. Raul Ibanez is consistently underrated and should put up solid numbers, as should Dye, Votto, and Werth. 4 Phillies on your team, but no Pedro Feliz? For shame. Your pitching is solid, too. I thought the Wainwright pick was a little ambitious, but by taking Lackey you added solid insurance at minimal cost. I think Brian Fuentes is in line for a very good season. Wandy Rodriguez’s first name is Wandy. Either his parents were on mescaline or both had very severe speech impediments and wanted to name him Randy. Wandy. Wandy. Wandy.
Best Pick: A lot to like here. Kelly Shoppach could put up solid numbers and I really wanted him, but I give this to Lackey at 107 overall. He’s hurt and his situation is kinda iffy, but he’s a stud when healthy.
Worst Pick: Wainwright. I like him, but 86th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.
Kbonermakerjbuttache- Aaachie Bubby
Best team name award goes to the giraffe, no doubt. However, recent revelations about RJ’s toy cylinder make things a little cloudy as to who is exactly making RJ’s butt truly ache. Perhaps some tag team action between The Succubus and The Cylinder is in order? Your offense looks solid, but at a second glance you see that no one on your squad had 100+ RBIs last year, HR numbers aren’t very good, and your AVG could be weak. I think power is your biggest concern heading into the season. You said you had no idea who Ian Kinsler is, but I’m sure you will by seasons end. He’s a legit fantasy force. I like Hunter Pence and expect his AVG to rebound a bit, but your bench is terribly weak. I like your pitching a lot actually. Bonderman blows and Devine looks like he could be hurt, but Hamels, King Felix, Lester, and Myers are all very good. Well done.
Best Pick: For whatever reason I like Brett Myers a lot this year. He’s two years removed from that weird situation where he got moved to the pen, and he could put up solid numbers across the board.
Worst Pick: This pains me from my core down through my loins, but Ichiro at 37 is too high. He’s a three category player now and only going downhill. I still love him though. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. He also looks like that. For realz.
Post-draft Rankings:
I see the top three as pretty clear, and solid competition for the 4-8 spots. Matthay’s ranking drops because of his utter lack of pitching, and for once Alex isn’t ranked dead last:
1.Me (duh)
2.Mark
3.RJ
4.Trevor
5.Kremer
6.Clay
7.John
8.Archie
9.Matthay
10.Alex
11.Ilan
12.Harrison
Predicted Order of Finish:
1.Me (duh)
2.Mark
3.RJ
4.Kremer
5.Trevor
6.Matthay
7.John
8.Clay
9.Archie
10.Ilan
11.Alex
12.Harrison
As usual, if you don’t like it…write your own. Assholes.
Topic 1) My fantasy baseball-inspired dreams keep coming. The memory of last nights experience is a little fuzzy, but I know it involved Francisco Cordero and hungryfortacos. For some reason, I accepted a trade proposed to me by HFT that involved Cordero coming my way. It was a good move for me, so I pressed "accept". However, immediately following this I realized that Cordero was a closer, and I was simply buying in to hungryfortacos' whole theory of drafting all relievers and them trading them away for position players. I got very upset.
Then I woke up.
Topic 2) The other day when I was trying to go to sleep I came up with the best idea ever; I formulated the ultimate signature drink for a bar to rip people off with and make hella $ (money). The process goes like this: You have a big refrigerator under the bar where you keep a whole bunch of green grapes, and a whole bunch of vodka (preferrably something like Popov to save $. Nobody will tell the difference). Then, you invent some hella catchy and trendy name for the drink, like "Grape Bomb" or "Vodka and Grapes" (if that's all you can come up with you're also probably gonna have to hire a Marketing specialist). When someone comes up to the bar and says, "Hey barkeep, gimme a Vodka and Grapes!", the barkeep gets out like six grapes, the customer places them in rows between his teeth thus opening his mouth, takes a shot of vodka, and then bites down on the grapes as a chaser/healthy alternative to Red Bull or whatever crap the damn kids are drinking these days.
Slap a $9 price tag on that beezy and you've got yourself a goldmine. Don't forget to tip!
Topic 3) This just needs to be said: bangs are a poor fashion choice for girls. Some girls look cute, don't get me wrong, but I have found it to be a 99.9% probability that they looked better beforehand. Just saying.
Topic 4) I like Rock Band. I think it's fun; it's easily the most inclusive multi-player video game ever made, and I respect that. But what I don't respect are people who get insanely good at it. I don't have a problem with people being good at other video games like Halo or Madden because they play out scenarios that regular people just have no chance of experiencing. But Rock Band (and Guitar Hero) are not like that. Why don't you just pick up a real fucking instrument? Granted, the argument can be made that the cost of buying a guitar (and potentially lessons) far outweighs the cost of buying Guitar Hero, but I'm going to counter that argument by saying that most people who have enough money to purchase an XBox 360 and Guitar Hero probably have enough bank to throw down on a used instrument. I'm just saying.
It is here: Widukind's Official Fantasy Draft Review, 2008. I would like to say that I stand by all predictions and observations made here, no matter how stupid and idiotic I appear 9 months down the road.
Poop Chunk Guacamole – Alex Hart I am not reviewing your team. Instead, I am reviewing your psyche. The constant malcontent you display in the baseball league has all but confirmed a belief of mine; you are afraid of failure. Everyone else in this league who admits to not being the most knowledgeable baseball fan still tries. Hell, even Archie who claimed he didn’t “know shit about baseball” dominated the league last year by getting a little lucky in the draft and consequently trying by working the waiver wire. John overvalues young guys. So does Clay. Harrison...well this year it looks like he’s going to suck again, but at least he didn’t completely throw off a whole draft by only taking guys at one position. But they try. You, on the other hand, just throw it all out the window so when you lose, you can say “So? Michael. I drafted all closers! I don’t care! Fuck it! Michael. You’re a dork.” You know football, so you try in football, and when you lose you blame luck. In baseball, you’re an utter defeatist. How do you sleep at night?
head from the trainy – Ilan If this were something like 2005, this team is would be an absolute monster offensively. In 2008, it should be solid, but brittle. Pudge, Chipper, Sheff, Abreu, and Delgado could and should all decline this year due to age. That said, they will still produce, and you balance the risk well with solid mashers in Vlad, Howard, and Hawpe. The main issue with your team offensively is there’s practically no upside whatsoever. Pitching wise you’re the same way; Hamels, Sheets, Pedro, and Burnett were all injured last season. This should be a solid, yet unspectacular group. I would rate your team: Sporty Spice. Solid, but not totally hot (Ilan will be the only one to receive a Spice Girls rating, because I know he loves them so, so much).
Best Pick: I think it was Kremer who liked the Chen-Ming Wang pick, and I agree, but I have to go with the Shawn Marcum pick in the last round. He’s a key part of a young, but talented Blue Jays staff.
Worst Pick: This has to be rounds 5 and 6 combined, when you took Chipper and Sheffield. One would have been ok, but two? Too many old-man poopy diapers to clean.
Snufflequeefegus – Rghey Pooperin Your team name sucks. I have no idea what it fucking means. It’s not funny or creative. But, coming from you, I guess that’s expected. Anyways…you have a strong infield. The fact that Utley fell to you after the swing between the 1st and 2nd rounds is ridiculous, and all those owners should be shot. I love Miggy Cabrera this year, and Gonzo is always vastly underrated. Your outfield, on the other hand, is very disappointing. I don’t care what you think about Matt Kemp, but you picked him way, way too early (more on this later). Pitching wise you’ll be very strong, though I think Bedard and especially Oswalt are in for a decline. As usual, I count you among my strongest competition.
Best Pick: The Utley pick was obvious, and the Gonzo and Capps picks were strong, but I like the Blanton pick. I think he really puts it together this year.
Worst Pick: Matt Kemp. Other than some of the retards in the league, this has to be the “What the FUCK were you thinking?” moment of the draft. It really doesn’t matter how well he does, but you could have had him so many rounds later. You could have had Russ Martin or Renteria here to shore up your infield, or even Kazmir (more on him later) to make your pitching obscene. But instead you took a DODGER OMGWTF who didn’t even have 300 ABs last season. Whatever.
golddiggers – Juanny Offensively you’re very strong, with Soriano, Manny, and El Caballo anchoring your outfield. Your infield, despite the void at catcher, also has serious pop; I also really like Renteria this season. Other than Weeks, however, you have zero speed. Pitching wise…somebody give me a toilet in which to poop and barf and then swim around in and say “look at me I’m swimming in John’s fantasy pitchers”. Once again you completely overvalued young prospects, and half of your staff it seems is coming off of Tommy John surgery. Truly awful, awful job done here.
Best Pick: Rickie Weeks. Got him fairly late, and his batting average should jump way up this season. I expect big things from this young, 100% raw talent.
Worst Pick: All of your pitching. Seriously, what were you thinking?
Big Tall Homo Cunt – Archie Thanks for being completely incompetent when helping me out when I was trying to decide when the draft would be. Huge minus in my book; you owe me flowers, or some chocolate. You were the only owner who had to auto-draft, which sucks, but you came out fairly well, and the auto-pick really screwed me on a couple occasions when guys were falling way farther than they should have (see: Torii Hunter, Hunter Pence, Ted Lilly). Offensively you’re strong, but you’re starting pitchers are bad and thin. Sorry.
No best or worst pick here, due to it being a computer, and computers can’t think. 01000110 01100001 01110010 01110100! Oh, shit! (That’s a real word. Look it up.)
Rj licks bludy sheet – Harrison Your offense is pretty weak. Reyes and Ichiro are always solid, and Hafner should be better this season, but Byrnes, Lowell, and Rowand are all primed for decline. Add on the fact that Helton’s not hitting for power anymore, and you could potentially have a team void of a 30 homerun hitter. Pitching-wise you’re not much better-thin, full of risk, and poopy smelling. I don’t mind the Lincecum pick so much just because he’s the next Jesus, but you only have 4 ½ starters (who knows what the Yankees will have Joba do), and one of them is Curt Schilling. Actually, I’d say you’re worse off than John. Ew.
Best Pick: Todd Helton. His power’s fading, but he’s still an OPS machine in the middle of a very potent lineup, and you grabbed him after other people reached on some much less reliable players.
Worst Pick: I would say J.J. Hardy because you took him way too early, but I have to give it to A.J. PierfuckmeintheassbecauseIsuckasski. Fuck that guy.
DemQueefEnthusiasts - Mark I don’t really get the “Dem”; “The” probably would be better, because nobody uses “Dem”. Either way, I’m glad you have a passion for gaseous vaginal expulsions. Your offense is very strong; well-rounded with power and speed. However, for some reason I really don’t like Pujols this year. He reminds me of Larry Johnson this season for football; everything adds up for him to have a down year (injury, support is godawful), but just because he’s Larry Johnson people take him really high. However, baseball is a much more individualistic sport, so Pujols will probably do just fine. Pitching-wise you are also strong, but risky. I think you had Vazquez last year, but he’s primed for a downfall; how after 3 mediocre seasons does he all of a sudden become an ace again? I’m not buying it.
Best Pick: Ryan Garko. I liked the Thome pick as well because he’ll still produce, but it will be fun to see what Garko can with a full season. From what I’ve read he doesn’t have potential to get much better, but he should be very solid.
Worst Pick: I can’t say Pujols at 4th overall just because he’s Albert Pujols, so I’ll go with Vazquez at 100.
Shart Stain- Clay I shouldn’t have expected anything less, or more, depending how you look at it; drafting overhyped young guys who are fun to watch but just not that good (yet), and then claiming at the draft that you’re team is easily the best. Whatever. Other than Fielder and Morneau your offense is completely void of power. Carl Crawford is sick but consistently overrated, and though he should put up better run and RBI numbers on an improving Rays team, he has no pop. Saltalamacchia? Ellsbury? Pedrioa? Longoria? Buck? Betancourt? These guys are all a few years away from developing. Your pitching is decent with Beckett/Carmona/King Felix, but after that it’s all speculation and hype.
Best Pick: I really like Micah Owings, and you got him real late. He’s a great athlete and has a potential to succeed under little pressure as the D-Backs 4th or 5th starter (that’s a scary thought).
Worst Pick: A lot of nominees for this one. I hate Juan Pierre, but I have to go with Crawford. I say so because Utley was available; you fucked that one up.
Long Black Sausage – Kremdawg First of all, I love the name. It’s succinct, simple, yet poignant. A job well done. Offensively you did very well for yourself, except you have no speed. You balance guys who are sure to improve on 2007 (Matsui, Atkins, Encarnacion) with guys who may dip in production but are still solid (Jeter, Magglio, Kent). I would like to note how homogenous that latter trio is. For shame, Kremer. Your pitching is also very strong. As you said in the draft with C.C. and Kaz you have K’s wrapped up; Shields and Billingsley can blow guys away as well. Your team as a whole is very, very solid.
Best Pick: Scott Kazmir. I said I’d touch on this, and now I will. What were all you guys thinking? I had him lined up and was absolutely salivating at him potentially dropping to me (though Trevor probably would have snatched him up). RJ is my primary goat here; instead of drafting Kazmir, you picked Oswalt and MATT KEMP OMFG instead. Good job Kremdawg.
EDIT: I realized I forgot to give Kremer a Worst Pick. I think it has to be Magglio, even though Detroit will be sick this year. He's like Raul Ibanez two years ago; you don't get way better all of a sudden if you're an older player. Except for Barry.
RJstainedhiscumrag? – Trevor I hated you having the 2nd overall pick, because you really screwed me a couple of times when the round came back our way. Your offense is OK, but I’m having trouble seeing how it turns out. You have a lot of good young talent (Hanley, Zimmerman, Granderson, Kendrick), but you also have a lot of guys who seem past their prime (Glaus, Tejada, Wells, Bay). Out of those last four I think Wells should rebound nicely from injury, but I have no idea what happened to Jason Bay last year. After a strong one-two punch with Peavy and Harang, your pitching is real thin and injury prone. Ryan had TJ, Gallardo is already hurt, and Carpenter is out for a long time. Putz is a beast, but we’ll have to wait and see if your top guys can outweigh the potential mediocrity of guys like Bonderman and Greinke.
Best Pick: The Big Hurt in the last round is great value; he can still hit and will benefit from being in a lineup with a rebounding Wells and rising Rios. I liked the Zimmerman pick as well and taking a flier on Zach “Fucking Psychotic” Greinke.
Worst Pick: Jason Bay bothers me, but I don’t like the Putz pick at 50 overall. A closer is not worth that much.
NycPoosOutItsUrethra – Zmath The team name is strong, though the effect is really diminished by Yahoo!’s annoying 20-letter limit. Your hitting is scary; well-rounded with speed, power, steady producers and high-potential guys. Though Blalock is clearly past his ’03-’05 form, he should rebound from a poor ’07 and JD Drew is another guy I’ve been thinking about having a nice rebound year in ’08. Ortiz/Konerko/VMart/Rollins are all solid producers, and Markakis is a budding star. The only issue is that your bench is a bit thin as it stands right now. Your pitching is not nearly as solid as your offense. Penny will come down to earth, Halladay isn’t K-ing like he used to, Daisuke is a shaky #2, and Lester/Kuroda/Schmidt are all big question marks (what’s up with the Dodgers by the way? Fyuck you!).
Best Pick: Schmidt is a nice late-round flier, but I like Drew. He can’t stay healthy for the life of him, but after that homer in the playoffs I can’t help but thinking he becomes Boston’s new darling. He has the talent to be a beast in that lineup.
Worst Pick: Matsuzaka. He’s good, but guys like Aaron Harang, Carlos Zambrano, and Chris Young were all taken right afterwards, and I think those guys are more steady options.
Diarrhea Hot Tub – Me I really like my team. Obviously spending my top four picks on infield is a risk in a 4 OF league, but having a solidified infield of big-time producers makes me very comfortable. Those positions can be very hard to fill using free agents. I think I did well in the outfield as well, grabbing uber-talent Chris Young, rising five-tooler Corey Hart, and Swish who I think will thrive in U.S. Cellular. I also got the real young Dodger talent (aka NOT Matt Kemp), James Loney. My pitching is also strong. Analysts were wary of Haren’s statistical decline post All-Star break, but I think the move to the NL will benefit him. Young, Cain, Maine, and McGowan are all sick young guns, though I’m not too confident in Jimenez or Bailey.
Best Pick: If Kazmir had fallen to me at 72 I would not stop talking about it, but alas he did not. However, I give myself a pat on the back for grabbing Loney at 144. In retrospect I could have had Helton who provides more security, but Loney is the real deal. Move over, Nomar (who finally has fallen into obscurity. He wasn’t even drafted in our all-important league. What a loser.)
Worst Pick: Although Mike Napoli is regarded as a potential solid fantasy catcher, I think I blew it by not solidifying fantasy’s weakest position with a more surefire talent. I got Napoli with my last pick, so this isn’t really a “Worst Pick” but more of a “Worst Un-Pick”.
Post-draft rankings:
1) Me
2) Kremer
3) Zmath
4) RJ
5) Mark
6) Trevor
7) Ilan
8) Archie
9) John
10) Clay
11) Harrison
12) Alex
End of season prediction:
1) Me
2) Kremer
3) RJ
4) Mark
5) Trevor
6) Zmath
7) Ilan
8) Archie
9) John
10) Clay
11) Harrison
12) Alex
Last year I made the prediction that if Clay, Harrison, and Alex didn't end up in the bottom three I would eat a diarrhea popsicle. At the end of the regular season, the Three Musketeers predictably stunk up the joint, and thankfully no diarrhea popsicle was eaten. I can't offer that prediction this year, however, because Archie's team is not as good post-draft as last year, and you can never count out the king of knee-jerk reactions, Juan Fish.
Good luck to all the mere mortals. But I guarantee it will be Widukind once again at the top of the heap come September. (blogger all of a sudden has decided not to let me put space between my paragraphs).
PS: Tune in to WMRE.FM tonight @ 12 AM EST for Wonder Mike Radio, first half hour free of technical difficulties!
Jesus most likely poking at one of his massive lips 
