Hartichoke's (AKA The Artist Formerly known as hungryfortacos) Definitive Top 10 Least Badass Characters List

This man stands for everything this list does notstand for...

The other day our great comrade Widukind came up with a comprehensive list of those individuals with whom one does not want to fuck with. Today, I present a list of characters who anyone would, and could without repercussions, fuck up easily. Enjoy.

Honorable Mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development- Too nice/funny), Fredo Corleone (The Godfather- might be mentally disabled), Andy (Steve Carrell from 40 Year Old Virgin (too likeable), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playist (too barfy).

Now without further ado...
10a and 10b:


Private Blithe (Band of Brothers) and Corporal Upham (Saving Private Ryan)
These two characters are tied because, let's face it, they're exactly the same. Both are big pussies in Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg World War II works. They both can't deal with war for a little while, then feel vindicated when they kill a single Nazi. Sorry guys, you already blew your chance to be hard when you were crying while your fellow soldiers were taking on the krauts.

9:

Commodus (Gladiator)
Huge non-badass. Basically a huge pussy that only comes to power by killing his father. Then only kills Maximus by stabbing him while Maximus is in chains. And still gets killed by a mortally wounded badass. Bonus points though for being played by Joaquin Phoenix, if you haven't already watch his interview on Letterman. Priceless.

8:

Karen Crowder (The big bitch from Michael Clayton)
If you've ever seen this movie, you know why she's on this list. I hated her more than almost any other character from any movie. This type of woman just kinda pisses me off in general.

7:

Any Character from a Bronte Work
We all know the Bronte sisters. And we all know their work. And we all know how soft that work is. And how every male character, and to some extent female character, seems like they have been neutered. Don't every try to tell me Heathcliffe is kinda mean... if was really tough he wouldn't be in a Bronte work.

6:

Owen Wilson in Marley and Me
I haven't seen this movie, but Owen Wilson just looked like he sucked from the previews.

5:

Baby Bop (Barney)
Don't try and tell me that you didn't watch Barney. And that you didn't hate Baby Bop. And don't try and tell me that Barney doesn't do unspeakable things to that ass every night cause you know he does.

4:

Vito Spatafore ( The Sopranos)
Gets bonus points for being a mobster, and actually being tough, but is here for 5 simple words: "I love you Johnny Cakes"

3:

The movie Hairspray
I woke up on an airplane once and this was on. I proceeded to watch without sound, what has to be the worst, and lamest movie of all time. I know it was a play and all, but god damn people have poor taste some time.

2:

Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)
Definition of a certain 4 letter word that my mother hates. This woman should get the crucio curse. Or a double crucio curse.

1:

Eli Sunday (There Will be Blood)
Damn right we drink your milkshake. The two scenes where he gets beaten down are pretty awesome, and he's the perfect foil to the badass that is Daniel Plainview. In the words of Senor Plainview: "You were just the afterbirth".

Much love, let's keep the blog and the top 10 lists rolling. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.

Love,
The artist formerly known as Hungryfortacos

Hartichoke (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as hungryfortacos) Top 10- Actually 12 with Honorable Mentions- Greatest TV Characters...

Bummer guys, didn't make it. There's always next year...

I don't quite know what inspired this, but at some point today I felt inclined to do this. So without further ado...

Honorable Mention:
These characters don't deserve being at the top, but merit a mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development), Brian Griffin (Family Guy), Creed Bratton (US Office), Lieutenant Speirs ( Band of Brothers), Paulie Walnuts (The Sopranos), Mr. Greg Gregson (Summer Heights High), George Bluth Sr (Arrested Development), David Brent (UK Office), Dave Chappelle (Chappelle's Show).

The Top 12:
12:

Phil Leotardo( The Sopranos)
Almost every season of The Sopranos featured a single antagonist who opposed Tony; Phil was the best of these characters.

11:

Jonah Takalua (Summer Heights High)
Just when the New Zealanders think they win with Flight of the Conchords, along comes the Aussies with Summer Heights High.

10:

Don Draper (Mad Men)
Quite possibly the coolest dude ever to appear on television.

9:

Tobias Funke (Arrested Development)
The picture says it all.

8:

Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
Drops a few spots due to we all know what, but otherwise the funniest physical actor of our time.

7:

The Cast of The Wire
I was gonna list a few favorites here, but then I realized I would name just about everybody.

6:

Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)
"I've made a huge mistake"

5:

Randy Marsh (South Park)
Absolutely steals scenes in episodes that he's in, and the episodes that star him are amongst the funniest.

4:

Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
No top ten list like this would be complete without him.

3:

George Costanza (Seinfeld)
"It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong." According to the Seinfeld DVD's, people actually started doing the opposite after this episode.

2:

Omar Little (The Wire)
The best character on the best TV show ever. There is no cooler character, no other character that everyone likes so much(including our president). It was extremely hard not putting him at number one.

1:

Al Swearengen (Deadwood)
Tony Soprano circa late 1800's. He is the reason Deadwood is worth watching and the show sags when he's not appearing. There's no one else (except for maybe Omar) that I enjoy watching on TV so much.

It's summer, let's bring back the ole blog a little.
Love, Hartichoke