This man stands for everything this list does notstand for...
The other day our great comrade Widukind came up with a comprehensive list of those individuals with whom one does not want to fuck with. Today, I present a list of characters who anyone would, and could without repercussions, fuck up easily. Enjoy.
Honorable Mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development- Too nice/funny), Fredo Corleone (The Godfather- might be mentally disabled), Andy (Steve Carrell from 40 Year Old Virgin (too likeable), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playist (too barfy).
Now without further ado... 10a and 10b: Private Blithe(Band of Brothers) and Corporal Upham(Saving Private Ryan) These two characters are tied because, let's face it, they're exactly the same. Both are big pussies in Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg World War II works. They both can't deal with war for a little while, then feel vindicated when they kill a single Nazi. Sorry guys, you already blew your chance to be hard when you were crying while your fellow soldiers were taking on the krauts.
9: Commodus (Gladiator) Huge non-badass. Basically a huge pussy that only comes to power by killing his father. Then only kills Maximus by stabbing him while Maximus is in chains. And still gets killed by a mortally wounded badass. Bonus points though for being played by Joaquin Phoenix, if you haven't already watch his interview on Letterman. Priceless.
8: Karen Crowder (The big bitch from Michael Clayton) If you've ever seen this movie, you know why she's on this list. I hated her more than almost any other character from any movie. This type of woman just kinda pisses me off in general.
7: Any Character from a Bronte Work We all know the Bronte sisters. And we all know their work. And we all know how soft that work is. And how every male character, and to some extent female character, seems like they have been neutered. Don't every try to tell me Heathcliffe is kinda mean... if was really tough he wouldn't be in a Bronte work.
6: Owen Wilson in Marley and Me I haven't seen this movie, but Owen Wilson just looked like he sucked from the previews.
5: Baby Bop (Barney) Don't try and tell me that you didn't watch Barney. And that you didn't hate Baby Bop. And don't try and tell me that Barney doesn't do unspeakable things to that ass every night cause you know he does.
4: Vito Spatafore ( The Sopranos) Gets bonus points for being a mobster, and actually being tough, but is here for 5 simple words: "I love you Johnny Cakes"
3: The movie Hairspray I woke up on an airplane once and this was on. I proceeded to watch without sound, what has to be the worst, and lamest movie of all time. I know it was a play and all, but god damn people have poor taste some time.
2: Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter) Definition of a certain 4 letter word that my mother hates. This woman should get the crucio curse. Or a double crucio curse.
1: Eli Sunday (There Will be Blood) Damn right we drink your milkshake. The two scenes where he gets beaten down are pretty awesome, and he's the perfect foil to the badass that is Daniel Plainview. In the words of Senor Plainview: "You were just the afterbirth".
Much love, let's keep the blog and the top 10 lists rolling. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.
My friends, we have all just been witness to one of the most tragic occurrences not only in the history of football, but in all of human history. Middlesbrough, the gleaming jewel of the river Tees, the penultimate representation of class and character in modern sport, has been relegated. Next year while you all cheer on your respective top-flight clubs as they duke it out on the world stage, my team of choice will be playing the likes of Doncaster, Nottingham Forest, and my old favorite club, Sheffield Wednesday.
It has been a long and tumultuous road, but it is a relief that it is over. Now that the deed has been done, I sit back and quietly reflect on how I first became a 'Boro fan. Sitting in my easy chair in the computer room of the Friese household with my brand new copy of FIFA '07 in hand, I told myself, "Mark, you are not a sheep. You are a shepherd. You cannot simply follow the crowd and become another Arsenal fan or a Chelsea fan. You shall be different." So I began my search for a team that had three main characteristics: a potent offense, a pathetic defense, and a decent amount of cash to spend on free agents. As I scoured the rosters, I saw my old favorite Mark Viduka paired with Yakubu, who I had watched on Fox Soccer Channel only two days before (I had watched him miss an all-too-casual penalty kick, but I saw him nonetheless). I saw Mark Schwarzer, the kindly Aussie between the posts. The attraction was instantaneous.
6 seasons later, with 6 Premiership titles, 5 FA cup titles (I lost one to Manchester United), and 5 Champions League trophies (I lost to the Norwegian club Brann one year when their goalie saved about 30 shots in a game) in hand, my legacy was complete. Winston O'Malley, the fictional 'Boro manager, had established himself as the premier football motivator on Earth, and had led Middlesbrough to 6 straight seasons of over 90 points. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the joyous times I had watching old Winston lead the lads to victory. But it is over now. A new leaf has been turned.
It has been quite a blow for me, particularly considering my brash prediction last year that we would be playing in Europe in '09-'10 (which can be seen on RJ's wall), but my love for 'Boro will never die. I am at least taking it much better than this fellow is for Newcastle.
I now know I must find a new club to root for until they manage to climb their way back into top competition. I must humbly ask you all of your opinion. Who should I support? Finally, thank you for your support in this most troubling time.
This list started many moons ago while I was lying in bed trying to list the “Top Ten Best Characters Ever”, but when I found myself seriously considering Lúrtz, I knew I had to reevaluate my criteria. The Artist Formerly Known As Hungryfortacos' list clearly inspired me to finish this one but unlike his, this list covers all mediums. Media. Mediae...aso;djfipadnssdfjn. Unfortunately there are repeats, but what can you do. I tried be somewhat original so some members of the Honorable Mention category may seem more worthy, but I wrote this whole thing, so go fuck yourself. Please feel free to suggest additions, and/or amendments.
10. Lúrtz (Lord of the Rings)
Well, I mean…duh.
9. The Genie (Aladdin)
I like this movie. Say what you want about a Disney character making this list, but he could probably fuck up anybody on here if he was asked to. Which is exactly why he just sneaks in at #9…he can’t do anything unless he’s told to, and when he’s let out of the lamp his powers reduce greatly. Freedom isn’t free!!!
8. Okonkwo (Things Fall Apart)
(Artist's Rendition)
Anyone who can be so driven to dominate a society by having to grow a shit-load of yams earns a high grade in my book. Also, cutting down your own adopted son in the jungle with a machete=maybe kinda bad-ass. He also tries to kill his wife when she fucks up a meal or something. The only knock against Okonkwo is that he hangs himself at the end, a drastic deviation from his cultural norms, but it really just makes him all the more badass because he would rather die than conform to Whitey.
7. Magneto (Hella X-Men shit)
Far and away the greatest superhero ever (that’s right, hero. Deal with it. The dude’s family was slaughtered in a concentration camp! All he wants is for the same thing not to happen to mutants.) He can control bullets. He can make floaty-disks out of the iron in your blood. He pulls off purple hella well. If you’re not down with Magneto, you’re a Nazi.
6. Gandalf (Hella Lord of the Rings shit)
Potential child-molesting tendencies aside, this old fart managed to directly or indirectly take down Sauron, Sarumon, Durin’s Bane, the Nazgul, and the entire Uruk-Hai/Cave Troll/Orc army at Helm’s Deep. That’s a top-ten Badass list in the making right there. Not to mention he’s like 800-years old when all that goes down. I’m not trying to fux with a Balrog with my wrinkled-ass balls flapping everywhere…are you?
5. Predator (Predator, Predator 2, AvP, AvP 2)
Predator is fucking awesome.
4. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)
Commander of the armies of the North. Leader of the Felix Legion. Servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next. (When I wrote this off the top of my head, I had “Phoenix” instead of “Felix” and “shall” instead of “will”. I’ve watched this movie almost as much as the Namesake with “One Night in Paris”. Zing!)
3. Hanuman (Bhagavad Gita and some other Hindu shit)
HEYO major sleeper pick!!!! Judaism produced a guy that could part water, Christianity a guy who can resurrect himself, Buddhism some dude who didn’t eat for hella long, and Islam a bunch of bearded assholes, but Hinduism brought us a bad-ass monkey-god who can walk across oceans and pick up whole mountains and grow to any size he wants and take on whole armies by himself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner (none for you, Buddha).
2. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)
Argue with this pick and I’ll diarrhea into a syringe and inject it straight into your right ventricle.
1. Omar (The Wire)
I tried being creative here, but this choice is simply unavoidable. What really seals the deal for Omar is that despite two major qualities that would seem un-bad-assly (being a homothapien and MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting popped by a little kid), no Wire fan would ever, ever argue against his bad-assitudlyness.
Bummer guys, didn't make it. There's always next year...
I don't quite know what inspired this, but at some point today I felt inclined to do this. So without further ado...
Honorable Mention: These characters don't deserve being at the top, but merit a mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development), Brian Griffin (Family Guy), Creed Bratton (US Office), Lieutenant Speirs ( Band of Brothers), Paulie Walnuts (The Sopranos), Mr. Greg Gregson (Summer Heights High), George Bluth Sr (Arrested Development), David Brent (UK Office), Dave Chappelle (Chappelle's Show).
The Top 12: 12: Phil Leotardo( The Sopranos) Almost every season of The Sopranos featured a single antagonist who opposed Tony; Phil was the best of these characters.
11: Jonah Takalua (Summer Heights High) Just when the New Zealanders think they win with Flight of the Conchords, along comes the Aussies with Summer Heights High.
10: Don Draper (Mad Men) Quite possibly the coolest dude ever to appear on television.
9: Tobias Funke (Arrested Development) The picture says it all.
8: Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld) Drops a few spots due to we all know what, but otherwise the funniest physical actor of our time.
7: The Cast of The Wire I was gonna list a few favorites here, but then I realized I would name just about everybody.
6: Gob Bluth (Arrested Development) "I've made a huge mistake"
5: Randy Marsh (South Park) Absolutely steals scenes in episodes that he's in, and the episodes that star him are amongst the funniest.
4: Tony Soprano (The Sopranos) No top ten list like this would be complete without him.
3: George Costanza (Seinfeld) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong." According to the Seinfeld DVD's, people actually started doing the opposite after this episode.
2: Omar Little(The Wire) The best character on the best TV show ever. There is no cooler character, no other character that everyone likes so much(including our president). It was extremely hard not putting him at number one.
1: Al Swearengen (Deadwood) Tony Soprano circa late 1800's. He is the reason Deadwood is worth watching and the show sags when he's not appearing. There's no one else (except for maybe Omar) that I enjoy watching on TV so much.
It's summer, let's bring back the ole blog a little. Love, Hartichoke
Selena Roberts needs to fucking die. She's got a new book coming out, A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez, that traces Rodriguez's life back to when he was a child, exposing rumors and other stupid shit about how he probably used steroids in high school and probably about how he masturbated in the teacher's lounge in 4th grade or whatever. According to this article, the book also talks about how he has been a deceitful person his whole life; an example is how he claimed to have used wood bats in high school, despite pictures existing of him holding metal ones. Whatever. This is typical sports-journalist bullshit that we've all come to expect. Eyewitness accounts that will never, ever be substantiated; rumors from one person who knew somebody who rode the bus with A-Rod's dog walker who said they saw his neighbor fucking A-Rods housekeeper who told him that the dude was using 'roids, etc. Fine. She's a journalist. When someone gives her a quote that implies steroid usage, she can run with it, fair enough. But wait a minute. Her book also sets out on quite an audacious task; her thesis, apparently, is that A-Rod's demeanor, his bizarre penchant for "lying" throughout his life stemmed from his father leaving the family when A-Rod was 10 years old. What? Who the flying FUCK does she think she is? Selena Roberts, you are a fucking journalist. Not a psychiatrist. Let me explain. Here are some of her quotes from the article:
"Ithink like any child, you never want to be abandoned again... Ithink he always felt that he had to be better than good."
"I think in some ways he felt he had to be, you know, not just a great story, but a tall tale."
"He went through a phase where, Ithink, and maybe he's still going through the phase,I don't know, where he really Ithink felt as if he had transcended baseball and reached a different level with the public."
"I do think there's a very good Alex in there," said Roberts, who spent six months reporting and writing the book. "I think the good Alex has a very good shot at winning. I think the good Alex is there for all of us to see for the next nine years. ... No matter what stage he seems to go through, what sort of incarnation he seems to go through, I think that he is at heart a pretty tenderhearted person."
You are a journalist, shithead. You don't "think" things about people based on bullshit. As a journalist, you interview people, you use quotes (hopefully at least some from the person you're actually writing about), and you present the information you have retrieved. You don't go around forming theories of how the departure of someone's father at a young age affected their psyche later in life. That's some personal stuff, lady. You don't do that. Why this pisses me off so much is that this woman has basically made her career exposing A-Rod as a fraud, jerk, whatever, because he cheated the game of baseball. He used performance enhancing drugs when there were those in his same profession who were doing it by the books, and that's not fair.
But isn't this what Roberts is doing herself? This is not journalism. It's sensationalism. She is cheating the honest reporters out there who base their reports and books on concrete things people said or wrote that they found doing honest research with an honest goal. But the tabloids don't go ape-shit over those stories. People want to read about personal turmoil of their biggest stars; they want to see them go down in flames, even if it means writing about something as personal as the abandoning of a family by a father, and then making retarded conclusions that are based on nothing. You don't sell books by going by the books anymore. Selena Roberts knows this. Ergo, she=bitch.
What a hypocrite. Selena Roberts? You're fucking out.
Topic 1) I just came across this. This guy needs to fucking die. I'm cereal. Last month this guy drove around town blaring from loudspeakers "Get the fuck out of here there's a fucking fat earthquake coming!" or however you say that in Italian, which I wouldn't know because my Italian syllabus is more retarded than Skip Bayless. The article says that "Giuliani gave an interview as recently as March 24 in which he repeated his claims," but that they just called him "an imbecile". March 24th was two fucking weeks ago, dude. I realize that what happened in Italy is tragic and that, okay, maybe you kinda knew something was up, but to go out and demand an official apology FOR YOURFUCKINGSELF when 150+ people are dead, 1,500+ are injured, and 30,000+ are left homeless is the most imbecilic thing possible in this situation. If this fucking douchebag-majoris cared so much about what was going on he'd be out in the rubble helping the DYING PEOPLE rather than sitting around like a fucking pansy whining about the warnings he gave a month ago. And don't tell me to get off my high horse and do something about it, because I'm hella far away and my cardio isn't so good right now so I'm not sure how much rubble I could move anyways. Topic 2) Beer companies need to cut the bullshit. Stop trying to convince me that your beer is something other than a watered-down American piece of shit. I don't give a shit that you add barley three different times in the brewing process, Miller Lite douchebag. It's still Miller fucking Light. These companies don't even know what they're doing half the time. Bud Light's "Drinkability" campaign is so ridiculously ambiguous it makes me want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face (twice, actually, because I already want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face). Their newest commercial has a dude explaining "Drinkability" and then drawing a wave with those white lines on the screen like in a football game, and then the wave comes and splashes everyone! LOLZ! Who thought of that sweet joke...RJ? This commercial has nothing to do with beer, which isn't the real issue. The real issue is that it's not funny and has no large breasts, so what is it doing on my television? Topic 3) This is kinda old, but people who complain like the above Italian dude every time Facebook changes need to shut up or get implanted rectally with a large stick. I'm sorry that it will be momentarily harder for your friends to find the pictures you put up of yourself pregaming in your dorm room. You=small, internet=big. If you can't deal with someone changing your Facebook, what are you going to do when your landlord shuts off your heating because you're obviously such a complete moron and you don't know how to pay bills? N00b. Out like Plaxico, in like (unofficial) Tim Lincecum Day.
Well this took forever. As usual, I stand 100% behind all predictions, no matter how stupid I look come years end. Onward and upward!
Eliza’s Spicy Balls – Kremdawg
As usual you have compiled a solid team with the draft. I like your first four rounds with Hanley, Berkman, Manny, and McCann, but rounds 5-14 I don’t like so much. Those rounds are key to building a championship team. Oswalt and Beckett are steady, but Ludwick, Dempster, Mark Reynolds, Mike Aviles, Ricky Nolasco, and Brian Wilson are a little underwhelming for the middle rounds. Nolasco could be a total stud, though, so I kinda take that back. However, you picked up the effort late with Mike Gonzalez/Brandon Morrow, as well as the vastly underrated Ted Lilly. A lot of people like Shin-Shoo Choo as well this season. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. That’s what he looks like. Good team, but not enough guys on offense that have to potential to have a significant impact.
Best Pick: Lilly. ~15 wins with close to 200 Ks with a steady ERA and WHIP at 217 overall. That’s almost 100 picks after Lowe, who is only slightly better, if at all.
Worst Pick: Mike Aviles. He had a nice season last year, but why take him in the 11th when someone like Joakim Soria is there who would have helped your weak RP situation greatly, or Howie Kendrick who went a round later?
Your team name blows. What’s with you and queefs? You must be around them a lot….hmm. I’m really not that into your team right now. Your infield is solid, but where is your power going to come from? Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed for “some reason”. I like Granderson, Milledge, and Upton as players, but as your top 3 outfielders there’s cause for concern. CC and Shields are nice, but Greinke. Wow. Let’s talk about this, everyone. Day before the draft, RJ asks, “who are your sleepers, oh fantasy genius and general really awesome dude?” and I say “well, I like Zack Greinke” and RJ’s all like, “eh, he’s ok. I like Ross from Friday Night Lights a lot more though!!! LOL!!!” What a homo. Despite said conversation, he takes Greinke in the 9th round, ahead of where he’s going in most drafts, as if he were some sort of “sleeper”. Wow RJ. You suck at life.
Best Pick: I like Baker and Slowey, especially where you got them. But getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.
Worst Pick: I don’t really like the Chipper pick. Guys like Magglio Ordonez and Jermaine Dye went later in the round and could have given your team some needed power at the OF spot. Also the Greinke pick. Wow. Oh and I said I liked Milledge, too. Wow. DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN? CAPITALS MEAN THIS IS SERIOUS, RJ! I DON’T THINK HALF YOUR BRAIN EXISTS...HOLY SHIT.
A Big Poo Poo Train – Dumbo
A finalist for best name year-in, year-out. Unfortunately this review won’t be nearly as scintillating as last year’s lambasting of your personal psychosis since you weren’t at the draft and weren’t able to totally blow it. Rounds 2-6 returned you little value. Phillips is versatile, but suffered big drops in production last year after 07’s breakout. Vlad is on a depressing downslide because he’s so awesome, and Rios and Hart are pretty much the same player. Carlos Guillen is simply shit-on-my-face bad, and as your only option at 1st I’d get out the baby wipes. Because, you know, he’s going to shit on your face because he’s so bad. The pitching is one big injury risk; pretty much everyone there spent significant time on the DL last season, and the guy who had the most innings is missing the first half of the season (Sheets). I like the potential of this group though, so it’s not all bad.
Best Pick: Hard because of the autopick, so…Michael Bourn. Obviously.
Worst Pick: Ben Sheets. At 142? Ouch. I don’t even think this guy’s on a team right now, which is too bad because I like him a lot.
Tomahawkcock – Juanfeesh
You say you think Archie has the best name, which I believe to be true, but don’t sell yourself short. Somehow it works, and influenced me to steal the rhyme theme. Your lineup has some big time fantasy contributors at the top with Reyes, Quentin, Holliday, Martin, and Gonzalez. Haters are hating Gonzalez for whatever reason, but the dude is just solid. However, the drop-off after that is significant. Ethier is nice, but Mora should regress, Teahen is just bleh, and Garret Anderson had to ask for special Depends-fitted pants before the season started. It’s true. Your pitching is not any better, although I approach with caution remembering I ripped into yours last year and I’m pretty sure it turned out damn good. Volquez just threw so many innings last season, Burnett is making the dreaded “good-but-kinda-overrated pitcher switch to the Yankees”, and Carmona was a bust last season. However, I commend you for sticking to your hometown talents in Cahill and Anderson. They are nice!
Best Pick: You grabbed Quentin earlier than he’s going in most drafts, but I think he’ll be just fine this season, so well done. However, a surprisingly astute pick in St. Louis’ potential closer Jason Motte wins it this time.
Worst Pick: Burnett. I don’t know why, but the injuries earlier in his career paired with the move to New York has me pooping my pantaloons (see: Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, etc.).
My penis dresses up – Heshen Baby
Any time a team appears with the word “penis” and without capitalization I know who it is. Good for you Hesh. You grabbed the “wow that was retarded” prize selecting Youkilis at 20th overall. Your explanation (“I don’t know baseball”) was disappointing. But, never to disappoint just once in a single draft, you racked up two “WTWR” awards in consecutive picks taking Aubrey fucking Huff with your next. Jesus. Your offense is just terrible. You drafted AJ Pierzynski. You should die. Your pitching is probably worse than your offense, considering Duchshsfdsfchchser is hurt and Huston Street is your only reliever. Saying this is probably going to bite me in the ass later when Joba Chamberlain wins the Cy Young and Xavier Nady hits 50 homeruns, but…there is now a level zero.
Best Pick: Uh…I think Bedard could be nice this year, but I gotta go with Pablo “Best Player of the Century” Sandoval. Dude just rakes.
Worst Pick: AJ Pierzysnki. Seriously, this beats your two “WTWR” awards. Not really. But. Actually, really.
Salad Tossers – Clayton Canielsen
At least this year you balanced your “MY TEM IS TEH BEST CHAMPIUNSIHP OO YAA!” quotes with “My team sucks” quotes. Your offense is pretty good, actually. Accidentally picking Alex Gordon sucks, but if you slide Cabrera to 3rd and Delgado to 1st, that’s still a solid infield. Jose Lopez put up way better numbers than I thought last year. It will suck when Milton gets hurt, but your outfield is good, too. Lincecum, Harden, and Dice-K ( <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>‘_’)>: that’s what he looks like…in REAL LIFE!) are a good top three. Just hope they stay healthy, because the rest of your pitching sucks. Ass. Ziegler is a good pick though, as Devine looks like he could be hurt…God, that was surprisingly painless. Well done, Clay. Or, maybe poorly done, because for the first time you officially failed to make me want to shoot myself watching you draft.
Best Pick: I really like Miguel Cabrera this year and was counting on you taking someone retarded so he would fall to me, but you didn’t. However, I like Milton Bradley the most.
Dark chocolate; MLB could use more of it.
Worst Pick: Saying Alex Gordon would be unfair, but it did fuck you in the anoos (RJs toy cylinder has been known to sneak around). However, I have to give this to K-Rod. He sucks. He always lets runners on. His velocity has been going down steadily. Last year was just weird. He just blows.
A-Fraud poos needles – Zmath
Give up on the steroids jokes Zmoney, its old news. Pretty solid team here…Red Sox dick-sucking notwithstanding (to be fair you only drafted three, but still. RED SOX SUX MY COX). I like VMart to rebound from injury, as well as Big Papi. He could be back with a vengeance this season. Still waiting for Ryan Zimmerman to put it all together, and Furcal and Matsui present some injury risk, but I like the balance on offense. Swisher is another nice rebound candidate that you snagged late at no risk. Interesting approach on pitching, for sure. Two starters drafted? I’m all for laying off pitching during the draft, but you may have put yourself in a big hole there. Papelbon/Lidge/Broxton is a nasty hydra-saves-machine. But fuck Papelbon. ROIDS.
Best Pick: Big Papi at 55 has to win it here. You got a bunch of nice value late, but this guy remains an elite talent who just had an unfortunate injury last season.
Worst Pick: Papelbon at 66. Just ludicrous. Fuck closers. Fuck Papelbon. Fuck Boston. You shoulda picked Mike Matthay here…Fantasy camp! Fantasy camp!
Poo-Taste Fart Tart – King Solomon…(me, in layman’s terms)
My offense is fucking great with the potential of being absolutely devastating. Even without Wieters and A-Rod in my start-of-the-season lineup, it’s damn strong top to bottom. That being said, I am absolutely aware of the risk I have placed on myself heading into the season. Two players who aren’t playing off the bat; Wieters in AAA, at whom all signs point to being a total star, and A-Rod, coming off injury. However, for every Evan Longoria and Tim Lincecum there is an Alex Gordon and Homer Bailey, so my expectations for Wieters remain reserved. A-Rod, well, he’s A-Rod, and I think he’ll be just fine. My pitching is solid, considering I waited until the 10th round to take a starter. I like my comeback candidates in Harang and Carpenter, and have a few nice relievers on my squad as well. Pitching is always easier to find than hitting over the course of the season, and I trust my Jesus-esque waiver wire abilities to come through.
Best Pick: I like Matt Kemp a lot, but since I ripped into RJ for taking him so early last year I will refrain. I’ll go with my two late picks of potentially stat-stuffing closers, Kevin Gregg and Trevor Hoffman (hopefully healthy soon).
Worst Pick: Wieters. His value is certainly higher than where I got him at 104, but RJ correctly called me out as my clock ticked by saying I was “choking”. He’s an uber talent, but with the Arod pick earlier I really don’t need two guys sitting on my bench who aren’t playing.
Jayne Appel-Bottom (what the hell does that even mean?) - Lani Baxter
I don’t think your team is any good. Your infield is pretty nondescript; Cantu has hit 28+ homers twice, but I don’t see it happening again. I don’t like Ryan Theriot or Casey Blake just because I don’t like them. Your OF/UT spots make up for it a bit, but Pena’s production dipped sharply after his breakout in 07 and from Maybin down your bench is unproven with a bunch of guys who are fighting for playing time. Your pitching is incredibly thin, with Santana already hurt, big question marks in Verlander, Cueto, and Hughes, and only one reliever. This team just makes me want to…sit here. Excitement on the Appel-Bottom front is lacking in 2009.
Best Pick: Carl Crawford could be a nice bet at 33rd overall if he’s hopefully healthy. Maybin is a nice value at 208. Maybin is a weird name. Maybin. Maybin. Maybin. Huh…
Worst Pick: I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.
Mr. Hands’ Team – Nastydogg/HomelessNigg/I boinked your sister
Despite the trash-talking, you are certainly one of this crowd’s fantasy elite. I swear you happen to stumble upon at least 2 or 3 out-of-nowhere studs every year, though I don’t have evidence to back it up because I’m too lazy to try and find any. Your team is solid. The infield is very good, though I expect a drop from Ramirez, but an uptick in production from Rollins. You have nice balance in the outfield with McLouth/Abreu/Cruz/Young, all guys who could provide solid power/speed numbers. However, I don’t see any real studs in that group. Some hunks, sure, but no studs. Yes homo. I like your pitching as well; you snagged a few guys I was targeting (Lindstrom, Garza, Jimenez), and paired them at the top with the rock-solid Brandon Webb and last year’s Esteban Loaiza, Cliff Lee. I have no idea what he’s going to do this year, so I won’t even try.
Best Pick: I really like Matt Garza for whatever reason. I think he could put together a very solid season, with good stats at every starter category. Adam Jones at 202 could be good value, as well as Beltre (who I also wanted) at 183.
Worst Pick: Alexei Ramirez at 58. Call me a Negative Nancy, but I’m just not buying it. His power increased in the second half last year but his average fell precipitously (that means a lot).
Blow My Meat Whistle – Caribou-herder
Trevor, I’m glad you found a time-slot in between caribou-milking sessions to join us for the draft. (These caribou jokes aren’t going to stop, by the way.) Your offense is very strong. Tejada is kinda done, but Howard, Utley, Ramirez are a good top three and you complement them well in the OF and UT spots. Raul Ibanez is consistently underrated and should put up solid numbers, as should Dye, Votto, and Werth. 4 Phillies on your team, but no Pedro Feliz? For shame. Your pitching is solid, too. I thought the Wainwright pick was a little ambitious, but by taking Lackey you added solid insurance at minimal cost. I think Brian Fuentes is in line for a very good season. Wandy Rodriguez’s first name is Wandy. Either his parents were on mescaline or both had very severe speech impediments and wanted to name him Randy. Wandy. Wandy. Wandy.
Best Pick: A lot to like here. Kelly Shoppach could put up solid numbers and I really wanted him, but I give this to Lackey at 107 overall. He’s hurt and his situation is kinda iffy, but he’s a stud when healthy.
Worst Pick: Wainwright. I like him, but 86th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.
Kbonermakerjbuttache- Aaachie Bubby
Best team name award goes to the giraffe, no doubt. However, recent revelations about RJ’s toy cylinder make things a little cloudy as to who is exactly making RJ’s butt truly ache. Perhaps some tag team action between The Succubus and The Cylinder is in order? Your offense looks solid, but at a second glance you see that no one on your squad had 100+ RBIs last year, HR numbers aren’t very good, and your AVG could be weak. I think power is your biggest concern heading into the season. You said you had no idea who Ian Kinsler is, but I’m sure you will by seasons end. He’s a legit fantasy force. I like Hunter Pence and expect his AVG to rebound a bit, but your bench is terribly weak. I like your pitching a lot actually. Bonderman blows and Devine looks like he could be hurt, but Hamels, King Felix, Lester, and Myers are all very good. Well done.
Best Pick: For whatever reason I like Brett Myers a lot this year. He’s two years removed from that weird situation where he got moved to the pen, and he could put up solid numbers across the board.
Worst Pick: This pains me from my core down through my loins, but Ichiro at 37 is too high. He’s a three category player now and only going downhill. I still love him though. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. He also looks like that. For realz.
Post-draft Rankings:
I see the top three as pretty clear, and solid competition for the 4-8 spots. Matthay’s ranking drops because of his utter lack of pitching, and for once Alex isn’t ranked dead last:
1.Me (duh)
2.Mark
3.RJ
4.Trevor
5.Kremer
6.Clay
7.John
8.Archie
9.Matthay
10.Alex
11.Ilan
12.Harrison
Predicted Order of Finish:
1.Me (duh)
2.Mark
3.RJ
4.Kremer
5.Trevor
6.Matthay
7.John
8.Clay
9.Archie
10.Ilan
11.Alex
12.Harrison
As usual, if you don’t like it…write your own. Assholes.
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