A Penny (or any other Spare Change) For My Thoughts: Memoirs of a Homeless Black Man

Ever since that fateful Keak/Nickatina show in Santa Rosa, I think we've all been aware that the future of rap music is in serious jeopardy. Beats are becoming more and more monotonous, lyrics more and more pointless, and ridiculously unskilled rappers are becoming millionaires. I may have told you guys this a long time ago, but over the summer I turned on 106.1 KMEL for the first time in many, many months (I had boycotted it for awhile), and heard a sickeningly simple beat and incredibly unappealing bassline. The first line I heard went something like this:

"Dis baby girl move her ass like Shakira,
If there was a motor booty contest she would be the winna."

I have many problems with this. First of all, "Shakira" doesn't rhyme with "winner". Second of all, that second line is almost identical to one that Too Short used in "Shake That Monkey" (he used it to much greater effect, I might add). I could go on, but the point is, that experience underlined the bleak future of rap for me. I haven't listened to KMEL or 94.9 since.

Of course, there is still hope. I remember HungryforTacos made a post about how excited he was for the month of December and the various releases that accompanied that sweet, sweet month. Now, I have no idea how those albums panned out, but I decided to take a look in the opposite direction for satisfaction: to the past. As Clive Tyldesley, the play-by-play commentator for FIFA '07 (on the PC, of course) once said, "Sometimes you have to go back to move forward." Well, actually he didn't say that just once, he says it just about every time I play it back to my favorite Middlesbrough defender, David Wheater. But that's not the point.

The point is, I consulted my brother and he showed me some stuff from a group called Above the Law, a bunch of Pomona-based "g-funk" rappers who did most of their stuff throughout the 90's. At last, satisfaction!



Above the Law - "Kalifornia"

Now I'm not sure you guys will like this song, but I sure as hell do. The second guy who raps, Kokane, has the weirdest delivery in the world, but compared to all the Soulja Boy and T-Pain bullshit I've had to listen to lately, I relish every minute of his sing-songy verses. Especially when he says "They call me Mistah Flossy, dolla dolla bill y'all!"



Above the Law - "Call It What U Want"

The heavy beats, the old school rhymes, Pac... This was all so refreshing for me. Now, you could be like Mike Ditka and say that I've become a coward, living in the glorious past of rap music, afraid to face the mindlessness of today's music.

And you'd be right. But fuck it, dis shit's bumpin'!

Out like Afonso Alves from the Dutch League.

Tony Ho-Mo (Rant of A Happy Giants Fan #3)

I heard about this video from Bill Simmons's Podcast. I thought it was gonna be Tony and Jessica Simpson instead of Tony Romo with these three clowns. I mean come on, these guys fucking suck. I mean they really really fucking suck. I wouldn't want to be seen with guys like them ever in my life. HAHAHAHAHA. I want to go to Giants-Cowboys so bad next year, hopefully they play this video. If not, the To-ny Ho-Mo chants will be great.



It really gets good at the three minute mark.

Hup, wait this is the one I was looking for. Oh my god. How horrible would it be to be a Cowboys fan right now. Hahahahahahah.


Out like Tony Romo

I hope Brandon Jacobs Runs Through Tedy Bruschi's Heart...(Rant of an Angry Giants Fan #2)

This picture sums up pretty much all I hate most in the world.

Wow. Just when I though my hatred for New England and my desire to fucking destroy them in the Super Bowl couldn't get any greater, they give more kindling to the fire. While watching Giants Media Day today, I heard about this. The Boston Globe is publishing a book titled "19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots". The link on Amazon has gone down but here it is anyway.

Fuck that. Fuck New England. Fuck the Boston Globe. If you are a football fan and are not rooting for the Giants then you are rooting for Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs or Commudus in Gladiator or the British in the Revolution. Honestly. People like this need to be brought down a level. And I know you guys might not want to deal with me for the next year if the Giants win, but I promise I won't be as bad as all the fucking New England fans sucking each other off about their dynasty.

Out like the San Francisco Giants

Bay Life is Back...

Basically, I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would ease myself back in with a little with a really easy post.

I am sure you all remember the month (or two) when injuryprone could not go at least five minutes without saying the phrase "cause he a pussy" from the pseudo-well-known Bay Life videos. Well, for the first time in over a year, there are new episodes of Bay Life on YouTube. And, the rumor is, at least according to Nation of Thizzlam (hence the fact that this is a easy post), that the episodes may become weekly. All new material for injuryprone!!!!111one. Okay here are the first two episodes:

Both episodes are pretty funny, same quality as the old videos. I'm sure most of you guys with notice the throwback Richie Rich to end the first episode. So fucking money.

Alright, I'm out like Pedro Feliz from SF. (Maybe there is a God)

By the way, if the Giants don't somehow fill their two gaping holes (third and first) with someone I am at least willing to watch play baseball in the next week (very unlikely, as it seems we are heading towards Tony Clark at first base, WTF), my next post will be a tirade about how Brian Sabean should be fired.

For some reason I completely missed this...

A Dizzee Rascal song that cam out over the summer. Bumps pretty good. Not the most scintillating verses, because they are seriously impossible to decipher, but the beat is fantastic.

Dizzee Rascal - Old Skool
I am looking for the track

Work Safe Porn...

Some kid just showed me this stuff. Hilarious.

Here's a whole bunch.

I would make my own, but its 2:40 in the afternoon, and that's just pervy.

The Scariest Thing of All... (Rant of a Nervous Giants Fan #1)

The last three weeks have been a sort of delirious dream for me that keeps on going. Every doubt I have had has been extinguished, and for the past three Sundays, I have looked at every game with no regrets. Every Giants win was gonna be a undeserved and unexpected piece of joy, while a loss would be an end to an already memorable season. Yet the strangest thing happened to me as Lawrence Tynes's 47 yard field goal landed between the two uprights in Green Bay. I began to hope and believe.

The last time the Giants made the Super Bowl was the 2000 season, which means on January 28th 2001, I was 11 years old and in sixth grade. I know I liked the Giants at that point, but my fandom had not became fanaticism or obsession at that point. Gradually over the next years I became more and more involved; I started watching the play-by-play of games online, I began to watch every televised performance they had in San Francisco, and then most recently, I purchased Sirius Radio with the sole intention of listening to the home broadcast of Giants games. However this year, unlike any other year of my life, I have gotten to watch the Giants on a consistent basis. I have watched every game this season except the beginning of the first Green Bay game in week 2, and the Vikings debacle, during which I was on a plane from San Francisco back to Boston. I also went to two regular season games and the game against Dallas, all three of which they won. And a funny thing has happened: I like this Giants team more than any other team that I have watched.

I feel almost vindicated by this team. The Giants season last year was such an outstanding debacle that they were at times difficult to root for. Players quit on the team, they quit on the season, and they quit on the coaching staff. Yet this year it all changed. Jerry Reese became general manager, we got rid of some old blood, we drafted incredibly, and quite possibly most importantly, we brought in Steve Spagnuolo, the man who I want to be the Head Coach of the future for the New York Giants.

And all of a sudden it all clicked. Eli Manning got on the same page with his receivers at the end of the year. Our defense became one of the elite units in the NFL courtesy of Spags, our rookies panned out and have been sick additions to our team (I am getting an Ahmad Bradshaw jersey, no questions asked), and slowly but surely we have marched our way through the regular season and the playoffs on the fuel of passion, team chemistry, and a us-against-the-world mentality.

And now I believe. And I am fucking frightened to. I could have taken a loss at GB, hell maybe even a loss to the Bucs. Dallas would have been hard cause I would have been there, but now I know if the Giants lose I will be despondent for some period of time. I keep having images of Tynes hitting a field goal to win it, Bradshaw busting out an epic long run to put the Giants up, Gostkowski missing a field goal reminiscent of Scott Norwood in 1990, Gibril knocking Moss out of the game as Tuck and Osi get after Brady. And I thought I was alone. Until this week's Sports Illustrated when the Giants were on the cover (one of the worst curses of all to be carrying) and that motherfucker Dr. Z picked the Giants for the exact reasons why I am scared to think they could win. I am already nervous and stressed. And there are 11 days to game time.

However, the thing I am scared of most of all is a promise that will most likely be broken. My Dad and I agreed a few years back that we would go to the Super Bowl if the Giants made it, never realizing (I mean who would) that they would be where they are right now. And with about 95% assuredness, we will not be at that game. And I am scared that the Giants will win, I will not be there, and I will have missed the greatest upset in Giants history. Yea this probably sounds selfish and whiny and complaining, but I keep having images of Tom Coughlin and Michael Strahan and Amani Toomer and Eli Manning talking into the camera of next year's America's Game, and thinking about what could have been. And whether or not I will ever see that again.

That being said. Go Giants.

(Expect more posts of these sorts as the Super Bowl approaches, I am sorry but that is all I got to post on right now. Much love)

I come bearing gifts...

For all of you out there who have been jonesing for your favorite passtime but are unable to get hold of any new episodes, I have your fix. For those who already know of this forgive me for wasting your time. I am just getting settled, an arsenal of treats under my arm.

Widukind Diary Entry #11

Topic 1) Last night I had my second fantasy baseball-related dream. Towards the end of last season, I had a dream in which Brad Hawpe died, a solid yet unspectacular member of my championship team. I don't really remember what happened, other than me running around with my hands on my head saying "Brad Hawpe died?!?" While sleeping last night, I had myself experiencing a similar sentiment of distress; as commissioner, I had forgotten to set up the league before the season started. I'm sure there exist an immense amount of psychological analysis that can be applied to these horrid nightmares, but I just use them to realize how dedicated I am to the sport. Yes, the sport.
Topic 2) I just accidentally deleted the entire "Memo" on my phone where I keep my observations, so now I have nothing to base the rest of this entry on.
Topic 3) I'm watching TV right now. MadTV is so fucking stupid I can't stand it. Why is this show on all the time? Why do these actors suck? Who writes this shit? Why do I keep watching it? These are just a few of the questions I have about this disgrace to comedy and greater humanity.
Topic 4) MadTV ended and now I'm watching Discovery channel. After multiple failed tries, this cheetah finally suceeded in taking down a small wildebeest. What I don't get is why the rest of the herd just walks around honking and looking at their comrade getting eaten alive. If a few of them just walked up and poked the cheetah and snorted it would run away, but they don't. It's almost as if they understand the concept of natural selection and nature's need for predators. Probably not.
Topic 5) Yesterday my macroeconomics teacher passed around a sheet of paper on which every student was to write their name, year, intended major, and a little something about themself. Being the inquisitive being I am, when the paper came to me I of course snuck a peak at some other people's entries. Some girl wrote her name, year, major, and then summed up the rest of herself with, "I love God and music!"
Wow. I just put down "sports and good food".
Topic 6) An Animal Planet narrator was just pointing out how intelligent octopuses are, and then proceeded to explain that the female will lay 50,000 eggs but not eat for 3 months because she has to protect the eggs, and after the massive birth, the mom dies. A kid on my hall observed "well, that's not very smart". A very astute observation, indeed.

RIP Bobby Fischer.

HomelessNigg gettin' freaky!!!

Check out the tits on the...nevermind. Well, atleast check out the eyes on the one in the...nevermind.

Stanford, durrrrrr.

The Dallas Minutes...

The night before I left for what ended up being one of the most memorable ideas of my life, I came up with the idea that I should copy Bill Simmons, which I admit I did in all aspects, to chronicle my trip to Dallas for the Giants-Cowboys game. Now I did my best to give pretty regular updates t give you some insight into my brain on one of the biggest and most emotional days of my life. (I know I stole this idea, but I figure this would tell the tale of the trip well.) I took notes in my phone, and here they are without edits.

5:26- Wake up. I haven't slept all night to begin with. My outfit for the biggest game in recent memory: Boxers, tufts shorts, tufts warm-ups, white T, red waffle weave, blue anything shirt, giants hoodie, white socks, New Balances, Giants beanie for good measure.
5:36- Departure for airport. No physiological problems yet to report. My dad thinks "waiting for the bus on a Sunday morning would be the worst thing in the world".
5:46- "Who flies on a Sunday"- Me
"Old People"- Dad
6:04- Arrived at the airport. Babies crying, long lines. First instance of chest pain.
6:29- I am in row 10. Good sign #1 on the day.
12:18- Dallas time. Slept the whole flight. Time to go. I didn't realize how annoying Texas accents were. It's like being around a million Jimmie Johnson's.
12:27- Check Chargers-Colts for the first time. Colts up 7-0 with Rivers throwing a pick. It was only a matter of time until Rivers and Turner played like, in the words of Warren Sapp: "gay porn". (I was sadly mistaken here).
12:42- I realize that I really enjoy being a fan in the opposition city. I mean I really enjoy it. There's no way to not be an asshole, so you better flaunt your support. I also think I had one of the members of the rap group Shop Boyz on my flight.
12:55- Second instance of bodily pain coming from the ballpark of my appendix.
1:28- Tommy (a 40 yr. old man), one of our entourage, calls "shotgun".
1:33- We're making fun of Arizona for not celebrating MLK Day.
1:40- We're 2 1/2 miles from President George Bush Highway. Texas for Texans!
2:06- A plane passes over head. It reads: "Good luck Tony. Love, Jessica". You gotta love Giants games.
2:22- A women walks up to our car to ask where she can pee (despite traffic). Mayhem ensues.
2:30- We have been in traffic almost an hour. We will not be seeing kickoff. Dallas sucks. (We made it to kickoff)
2:34- If we're lucky we'll be there by the 3rd quarter.
2:49- We're playing football in the grass (while in traffic). Except the grass is like fucking cacti. Everything's better in Dallas.
3:00- 30 minutes to game time. The chest pain has officially started.
3:30- "I've never been so nervous in my life"- text to Michael.
3:47- Kickoff. I have consumed 6 beers and 1 hot dog all day. The chicks scream loudest in Dallas.
3:56- Giants 7-0. Cowboys fans starts talking about the boys being in the same night as the Pats last night. I kindly remind him the Cowboys lost to the Pats. Asshole.
4:14- Bradshaw is officially my favorite Giant. Feagles pins them. We're surrounded my drunk Giants fans.
4:18- I can't stand Marion Barber.
4:23- Girls in Texas try hard to look good.
4:29- I fucking knew they were throwing a fade. That TD is all on Spags.
4:57- Cowboys driving hard again. I'm down in the dumps. We can't stop them if our life depended on it.
5:04- 14-7 Cowboys. Fuck. I feel like I'm gonna throw up and/or die.
5:15- Wow Eli wow. I'm scared to write.
5:43- We hold them to a FG. That's a minor victory.
5:55- Punt. I'm really starting to worry.
6:09- I will let Ahmad Bradshaw have sex with my wife on our honeymoon. I'm very buzzed.
6:23- I do not like Brandon Jacobs.
6:35- You could cut the tension with a knife (cliche I know).
6:41- Best sporting event of my life. I'm hooked on playoff sports.
6:45- I'm having a coronary. I wish you guys could feel this.
6:52- I don't believe it. I love you all.

Out like (fill in all 28 other teams here).

Cam'ron vs....Dre Dog?

I was recently exposed (no homo) for the first time to Children of the Corn. No, not the movie (which is teh rox0rz, btw), but the rap group. The group featured a few big names: Big L, Cam'ron, and Ma$e, among others. According to Wikipedia, the group formed in the early 1990's, led by Big L. They soon disbanded due to different reasons, most notably death, but in 2003 22 of their tracks were put together to compile a "collectors edition". I highly recommend the album as a whole, but this post is about something much more specific. While jamming to its funky grooves, I found myself bouncing to a familiar beat:

Harlem Nights

Sound familiar? If it doesn't, let me pose a follow up question: are you my friend? I actually mean that, not in a mean way. Anyone who's not one of my (many) newly acquired acquaintances from college should know where this beat comes from, but if somehow you don't:

Smoke Dope and Rap - Dre Dog

Is this a sample? Or, is this a stolen beat? If the latter, who used it first? Dre Dog, a.k.a Andre Nickatina, released "Smoke Dope and Rap" in 1993 on New Jim Jones, while Children of the Corn formed sometime in the early 90's, but their first official CD wasn't released until 2003, but Big L died in 1999, and Bloodshed died in 1997, and I just fartedaaaugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!eoneon11!eeleven!1

I feel like I'm setting myself up for a colossal embarassment here, like people who claim Ice Cube ripped "it's like a jungle sometimes..." from Andre Nickatina. Assholes.

If anyone can dig anything up about this, please let me know.

Speaking of Ice Cube, here's his new video to "Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It" (how's that for a fucking segway???///.slashslsahs.///??):

I can't tell if the video is overkill, or perfect. In any respect, it's good to see Ice Cube up to his old tricks.

Here's the track.

It also gives me a good line the next time I forget to take out the trash.

A Penny (or any other Spare Change) For Your Thoughts: Memoirs of a Homeless Black Man

On my drive down to Palo Alto yesterday I made somewhat of a bonehead move in my vehicle. It was kind of a close call, especially being all rainy and whatnot, but it got me thinking back to the only time I'd ever REALLY fucked up behind the wheel.

It was a Saturday morning of Junior year, and I had just recently gotten my license. I was driving down to Thurgood Marshall to take the SAT, and who else but ol' Lonny Baxter was following me because he didn't know the way himself. I was driving down some street perpendicular to Geary and was preparing to make a left on Geary when the light turned red JUST as I got there. Needless to say, I was flustered. The light took friggin' forever, and there were absolutely no cars in sight the entire time. I even considered just gunning it through the red, but remembered Ilan behind me and realized I would be a bad role model to do such a nonsensical thing. So the light is about to turn green when a Range Rover comes over the hill towards me. For some reason, I just assumed the because I had been waiting there so goddamn long and he had just gotten there, that I had the right of way and he wasn't allowed to go at that green light. I pulled out into the middle of the street and started my left hand turn and realized the dude was coming straight at me really fast, and one really long BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and a magnificent swerve from the other driver later, I had pulled over to the side of the road thinking about how much of a douchebag I was. Lonny Baxter was laughing his head off, half in horror that I could be so retarded and half because he was glad I was ok.

Why do I mention this, you ask? Well, I was thinking about how incidents like that can completely alter your future, even if they're unbelievably slight and seem unimportant at the time. Say I had been hit by that car, and had been seriously injured. Obviously that would have a huge impact on the rest of my life. But what if it was just a minor injury? Still, it could have completely changed my future. Maybe I was too injured to run Cross Country, and then didn't have the same season I had. I would never have gotten into Stanford, and I would probably be down at USC making an entirely new group of friends, exploring a very different part of California, and just doing different things in general. Also, then I would still be a chunky ol' fella like I was pre-XC. That in turn could have affected the amount of poonani I would have gotten (which is laughable already, I might add), and maybe even had self-esteem effects or some shit. Ok, that's a bit extreme. But it's just so weird how things that seem like they don't matter can put you on a different track in so many different ways. Not necessarily a worse track by any means, but just different.

One last example: say I decide to walk down to Starbucks. I decide to go down Spruce Street right towards it, and have an uneventful walk down there and back. But what if I had gone down Locust and ran into, say, Greg Schram's mom. Say I have an awkward-ass conversation with her, and then she goes home and tells Greg I'm around who proceeds to call me to hang out (which happens from time to time). Maybe then that evening I play video games with Greg instead of doing any number of other things, like go to a concert where I'd potentially run into a new rapper I like, or see a movie that ends up being the topic of conversation with a fine lady and eventually leads to more conversation which gets me into her pants? Or perhaps I have such a good time with Greg Schram that night that I get hooked on World of Warcraft (which I'm sure if I played it often I would, I admit I love that kind of shit) and proceed to make friends with all the gamers at UHS and hang out with them instead of y'all. Isn't it crazy how all that shit could potentially start with making a tiny little decision like which route to take to go to Starbucks?

Anyway, that's the stuff that was stewing in ol' HomelessNigg's head today. Future memoirs will certainly be more comedic in nature. F'sho.

Out like Bolton from the FA Cup.

Playoffs?...Playoffs?...

Well that bittersweet time of year has arrived, as the regular season has ended for 3/8 of the teams in the league, including the beloved 49ers, leaving us with 12 teams in the NFL playoffs. Now as much as I love the playoffs, and I do love them recently considering the Giants have been in them the past three year, I always feel sad by the time they roll around as I know that my team has at best only really 2 weeks left on their schedule and the season is a month from its end. I literally do not have any ideas of what I will do on Sundays from February on, the best I can come up with is to write a playbook.

Now over the course of the season I was sort of off-and-on with my picks and while I know that hardly anyone else cares, I wanna see how I did. I finished 113-63 in picking winners giving me a .642 winning percentage. Against the spread however, I finished a whopping 78-90-8 or a .443 winning percentage. Comparatively last year I had a .525 and .4625 winning percentage respectively, but I wasn't counting ties.

Now on to the playoffs. I plan on picking winners for the playoffs, but this week I'll throw in the spreads cause I've spent some time pondering them.

Redskins @ Seahawks: I really like the Redskins for some reason (I think it probably has to do with my east-coast football bias, I am now willing to acknowledge it) but I think the Seahawks will squeak this one out. The Redskins have all the right intangibles going for them, but I think Todd Collins has to poop the bed at some point and playing at the artificial-crowd-noise-enhanced Qwest Field, I see him not only pooping the bed but throwing up in it and then waking up in it the next morning and retiring from embarrassment. That being said, it will be close and the Redskins will cover.

Jags @ Steelers: I feel like that everything that I could say about this match-up has been said a thousand times already by every commentator on ESPN and the NFL Network. I like the Jags, but I don't like that they are Vegas favorites and the fact that everyone including the Best Man at my parents' wedding are jocking the Jags. It's very hard to win at Heinz field, and to do it twice would be epic. I want the Jags to win, but I'm sorry to say that I am picking the Steelers, meaning that they will cover as well.

Giants @ Bucs: Now I could talk about this match-up for weeks and I just might have to right here. I like the Giants offense over the TB offense a lot. I like the Bucs defense over the Giants defense only a little. A lot of the people I have seen are picking the Giants which is a bad sign for the Giants (we do better under the radar) but I do love our 7-1 away record and a not-so-difficult match-up. If their QB wasn't Jeff Garcia I would love this game but I have watched at least four of the 5 times he has played the Giants and I believe he won all 4. We need a a solid pass rush, and once we get that, if we prevent the scramble, we will win. I'm going with my team, and that means they cover as well.

Titans @ Chargers: The worst game of these playoffs potentially. It would be much more interesting if the Browns had made it instead of the Titans. I am not sold at all on the Titans, and I think they are a truly mediocre team. The Chargers win, they cover, and they win big.

Divisional Rd.
Steelers @ Pats: I think this game will be much closer this time around, and I actually think the Steelers could really give the Pats a scare. That being said, the Pats are fucking surgical this year, and I think they pull away in the 4th quarter to win this game by a comfortable margin.

Chargers @ Colts: My prediction for this game is that the Chargers take an early lead, and then Norv Turner pulls a BME Pain Olympics with his team and hatchets their collective balls off and the Chargers blow their lead. The Colts are under the radar in the sense that everyone is saying they are under the radar, and I think they will be sharp for this game and after the early scare, cruise past a puzzled Norv Turner.

Seahawks @ Packers: Are the Packers built for the cold weather of their own field? Are the Seahawks? I actually would answer no to both questions. If the Giants make it to Green Bay through a Redskins win, I will actually be feeling very good about that game. That being said, in a cold, blustery, Lambeau tundra game, you gotta go with Brett Favre. So that's what I'll do.

Giants @ Cowboys: The Giants have been beaten down like a little brother by the Cowboys twice this year, and despite the fact that it's near impossible to beat a team three times in one year, I think the Cowboys match-up too well against the Giants. If they are without TO it could be a close and interesting game, but I think the Cowboys strength on both sides of the line win out in this game 9/10 times.

Conference Championships:
Packers @ Cowboys: I would venture that by this time, TO will be close to healthy, and I like the Cowboys in this match-up. I think the Cowboys are the best team to come out of the NFC in some while, and I think that they will make the Super Bowl despite the opponents they face.

Colts @ Pats: This is the match-up everyone is hoping for and waiting for as the new sort of "America's team" goes up against the evil empire of New England and Emperor Belichick with Darth Moss and Darth Brady. Correction Darsh Moss and Brady. I know there might be some dispute of me calling the Colts America's team, but I think they honestly get a lot more support from casual fans and as people's second favorite team because Peyton Manning is in more commercials than the Verizon guy and Jared. Plus he's good. However, if anyone can see the Colts knocking the Pats out of the playoffs two years in a row I think they might want to remember how this team has embraced the revenge, bad-guy element, and I think the Pats will beat the shit out of the Colts in one of those blustery New England days. This one I think could harken back to the snow game they played a few years back where Manning just got eaten alive.

Super Bowl:
Cowboys vs. Pats: Real original match-up Alex. Right? Well I can't see the playoffs playing out anyway. And I can't see the Pats losing. Fuck. Gay.

Out like Martina Hingis on blow.

Widukind Diary Entry #10

I've never seen this movie.

I have come to realize that daydreaming is one of the more underrated activities one can participate in. I used to really only do it in class and mid-poop (for some reason, I've never read on the shitter), but I have so much free time at school and at home that I've found myself daydreaming alot more. It's like dreaming, and though it's not as real, it's way more tight because unless you're really fucked up, daydreams are always totally awesome, because you can make anything you want happen.

I don't know about the rest of you, but for me there are a few scenarios I routinely play out in my head that don't involve boobs. One of these is a hypothetical journey back in time to the medieval days, but as an Army Ranger, Navy S.E.A.L, or something hella tight of the sort, armed to the teeth.

For some reason the thought of traveling back to the 1300s or so with a modern-day arsenal is really appealing to me. The situation usually develops in this manner: I stumble across some castle, demand a meeting with the Lord or whoever, display the awesome firing capacity of an AK-47, get observed as some sort of angel, and eventually scare off a whole army with a couple rounds, grenades, or a showcase of the microwave, consequently saving my adopted people. By this time, class is over or I have finished pooping, and I leave feeling much better about myself and the world I live in, because I totally just kicked a bunch of medieval ass all by myself.

However, there is an inherent issue with this fantasy; how much stuff are you allowed to bring back in time with you? Bringing, say, a tank back would be unbelievable because you could just blow down hella castle walls and run over hella people, but that's not really fair. Recently I've decided that a plausible compromise would be that you can really only bring enough to fit in a big backpack, plus whatever you can fit directly on your person.

So here's my list:

1) A mini-flamethrower. It has to be small, because a real one would just be take the place of the backpack, which severely limits your potential. But the ability to produce fire from your hands would definitely have a ton of pull in 1324.

2) An AK-47, with two of those long-ass bullet chains.

3) 10 grenades on a belt.

4) 10 land-mines.

5) A battery-powered microwave. This obviously has no military purpose, but in terms of spooking easily-spooked medieval people, being able to cook a slice of pig in a box with no fire would be pretty fucking spooky. It's all about mind-control, people.

6) A battery-powered portable DVD player with Gladiator and Dumb and Dumber (I thought alot about the movie choice.) The reason I chose these movies is two-fold; for one, I like them so I'd bring them for my own personal entertainment. Secondly, Gladiator would be cool because it would be showing them something that already happened that they might have records of, and Dumb and Dumber would provide a unique test of whether or not humor transcends time.

7) A lot of batteries.

8) A nudie-magazine.

9) A pound of marijuana.

10) A huge bong, dude.

I feel like this is a pretty solid list. Now that I showed you mine, can you show me yours?

Out like the WAC.

Widukind is a Fantasy God a.k.a. Fantasy Football Review

!

Well, well, well. Another fantasy season, another championship for Widukind. God it's great to be me. Here is the season in review; I start out looking over the draft, and then proceed to my end-of-the-year awards.

Best Pick: Tom Brady, 22 overall, I Eat Pussy (Alot!). I came in to this saying to myself that I wouldn't reward anyone for picking a Patriot, until I was reviewing the draft results and saw an oddly astute Harrison snatching up Brady in the 2nd round. I also don't mind giving Harrison this award because he proved himself a much more capable fantasy player than I had ever imagined, and somewhat made up for his absolute disgrace of a performance in baseball.

Honorable Mention: Patrick Willis, 108 overall, banana cumcakes. Clay made him the first defender taken off the board, and for good reason. The dude defines "cornfed".

Best Value Pick: Tony Romo "No Homo", 62 overall, SploogeOnMyBreakfast. Yahoo!'s 3rd overall point scorer needed to prove himself this season, and he did more than that, garnering respect even from a few Niner faithful (most notably, me and Clay).

Honorable Mention: Adrian Peterson, 51 overall, I Eat Pussy (Alot!).

Worst Pick: Calvin Johnson, 46 overall, I Eat Pussy (Alot!). Rookie wide receivers are pretty iffy, and Harrison could have had a plethora of guys with this pick that would have made his team unstoppable. In hindsight this makes the "genius" Adrian Peterson pick make more sense.

Honorable Mention: Larry Johnson, 3 overall, I Eat Pussy (Alot!). Hey, you win some, you lose some.

Also, pretty much all of Ilan's picks except for Greg Jennings.

Best/Worst Trade: We didn't pull off a single trade in this league. Wow. How the hell did that happen?

Dumbest Drop: Earnest Graham, September 30 (2:11 AM???), SploogeOnMyBreakfast. Harrison let him go, you swept him up, and promptly released him. Juanfeesh came in for the rebound the same day.

Honorable Mention: Brian Urlacher, October 29, SploogeOnMyBreakfast. Mark gave up on a down-and-out playmaker, and Urlacher fell right in to my lap and carried me in the playoffs.

Smartest Add: Wes Welker, September 4, Ass+Cum+Blood=Salsa. Second reward for a Patriot pick, but there's no debate; went undrafted, picked off waivers right away. Alex never looked back.

Almost the Luckiest Fucking Fantasy Player...Again: Archibald Hunter of loose goose. Earlier in the year Archie famously claimed "I don't know shit about baseball" but still dominated the league. However, I ultimately came to the rescue and saved us from the horror of addressing him as our champion. As football also came to a close, the Tory was close to sneaking away with another undeserved championship (he was starting Alex Smith until Week 16 for gods sake), but I once again stopped him in his path.

Worst Fantasy Manager Ever: Ian Anderson of letsgostagsbaby. In all due respect, I feel really bad for Ian. This team didn't look half bad coming out of the draft, but he made no effort to maintain his squad, and ended up 1-13. Another embarassing performance from Woolly has his head on the chopping block for next years potential cutdown on owners.

The Ravens (a.k.a. the only manager to lose to the worst manager ever): Juanfeesh of cum_ice_cubz. Nice going.

The 49ers (**deep sigh**): vicklicksdogshit. Andy put up an unbelievable 52 points one week, and finished third to last in overall scoring (for the two below him, look up a few inches). As new commissioner, this is my second head I have placed on my proverbial chopping block, as I've come to believe Andy only joins our leagues to see if he can beat us making hardly any moves, which so far has yet to happen. Bastard.

The Patriots: SploogeOnMyBreakfast. A 14-0 regular season was certainly impressive, but Mark couldn't win when it counted. Bill Simmons wrote an article earlier in the year discussing how hard an undefeated season in real and fantasy football is; poor Mark now knows this all too well. I can only hope this is a sign of what is to come for our beloved Patriots. (I'd also like to note that while Mark will of course bring up this as his potential 3rd football championship in a row, in 2005 his championship team "Mom its just ketchup" was 7th in overall scoring. Additionally, in 2006, his winning squad of "Explosive Diarrhea" was 4th in overall scoring. What a fluke.)

Champion: Me (Mark and Alex can complain all they want, but it was Poodi Johnson who ended up as the top-scoring team in the league. So you can suck it. Yes, my genitalia.)

A sweep of the fantasy championships will do just fine; anyone want to buy a ticket to tour my Yahoo! player profile trophy chest? No? That's ok I'll just melt all my hardware and bathe in liquid gold. All the time. Mmm yeah sue me, sue me.

Out like me from the fantasy playoffs. Oh no wait....

Not out like me from the fantasy playoffs. Much better.

kelly boner ache status

aaaaarrrrjjj is nineteeen. and SCHLOAPPPPP IS 18. and jesus is.. 2007?
enough said
but mike what the fuck are you talking about

Minutes for Sunday, December 23rd 2007

WASHINGTON D.C. - ASSOCIATED PRESS

"Desparate times calls for desparate measures" many political analysts were, and are, saying in concerns to the Joint Session of Congress President George W. Bush called on Capitol Hill last night. Here, presented unedited with exception of names, are the minutes taken down painstakingly and extremely accurately by Fantasychamp:

When Fantasychamp said what things he could try and get e and l to do together because he owns them.

Bear: To stop conjestion while driving they make a lane that is real bumpy and shitty unless you have a big car because so when traffic is hella bad you go to the bumpy road which is better than traffic as long as you're moving right? All the big cars go to the shitty one cuz they go over bumps well, its a carpool lane for big cars!
Fantasychamp: why don't they just make two lanes?
Later...
Bear: it was just a terribly planned idea.

Fantasychamp and Directv: right out there in the fog could be china or a shark big ass white shark and we'd never know
Bear: If sound waves could go straight to japan if this were the ocean than I would say yo and the guy would be the first japanese guy to ever hear yo. It's going on the internet oh shit lory's gonna read this shit!
Directv: You're taking minutes congratulations you're doing a great job!
Bear: Ok and then write "and then he almost throws up".

Bear: One day when one of us is all famous someomes gonna read this shit.
Directv: oh they're all perverts!
Bear: No! they'll say "they were even genius's back then!" when you're the dalai llamas apprentice, its Fantasychamp the expert!

Bear: Nice toss yessssss.
Directv: You know who's getting that? Japan!

Bear: I'm so close, haha, so close to having a good idea.

It's only midnight it's definitely open.

Mcdonalds on fillmore! mcdonalds on fillmore!

Poonani: He couldn't say anything to those kids! Half a block away he says "fuck you" then, nothing he just goes "keep going keep going".
Bear: Dude I just made a fool of myself. Ffffuck uhh!

Directv: We've gone one fucking mile.

Bear: Rocky horror picture show that's why I didn't want to say let's see it unless it was gay porn or something...

Poonani at the mcdonalds drive-thru oh my god.

Fantasychamp: last season of the wire they kill a cop so police wipe em all out and the series ends with baltimore being worse off than it was with the gangs. It just shows the big cycle of shit.

Bear "whisper" to Harry:
I'm so fucking high right now I can't even listen....dude, are you guys gonna stay friends with me?

Widukind Diary Entry #9

My mom found this blog and wrote on one of my posts asking why I had to use the "F-Word" so much. I really, really tried to restrain myself, but how else am I gonna put it?

Baseball is fucked up.

I was waiting for abriendo_bitches to write his Mitchell report review, which of course never came, so I thought I had to give my views on the matter. I'd first like to establish that I could care less about who was named in the report (of which the sources were two guys basically. Is that all the government of the United States, the most powerful force God has ever allowed to exist on this planet, can come up with? The government that brought down Sadaam? That faked 9/11? That killed Tupac? I mean, c'maaaaaaaaan). The reason I don't care about the names is two-fold. For one, I'm basically forced to because I've supported poor Barry through all of his trials and tribulations, and if I all of a sudden started slandering Clemens I would just be a really big douche bag. Secondly, and more importantly, I really just think baseball would be better if they just let the whole thing go.

Don't get me wrong, I'm terribly disappointed in the MLB for letting something like this go on for as long as it did. Though it's a stereotypically cream puff response, I think the impact that the rampant use of steroids had on younger generations is extremely serious, and one that major leaguers should be ashamed of causing. I also support new testing techniques that will help catch steroid abusers, and anything that will help crack down on their use. However, I also believe that there is something inherent in the game of baseball, something that can't be cleared away by lab testing and life-time bans, that played a big role in why the Mitchell Report was such a huge deal, and even why steroids were so popular in the first place.

As seen over the past few years, baseball has become a sport increasingly driven by statistics. The use of sabermetrics has risen so much, that not only are dorks like me using them for fantasy purposes, but general managers are using them to run their teams. When you pair this with the extreme nostalgia Americans have in respect to baseball, the great "national pastime", it's like mixing 2girls1cup and an underground society of poo-porn lovers.

Specific numbers like 755 and .400 are placed on pedastals made of marble, gold, and everlasting-life juice. Other more general numbers like 300 and 500 are made into exclusive clubs of elite ballplayers, who have seemingly transcended the game and are all of a sudden expected to be lighthouses of morality in this dark, cold place we call Earth full of corruption and death. But what happens when those latter characteristics creep into these wholesome groups of men? All fucking hell breaks loose.

Bonds passed 700. Clemens passed 300. Then they got linked to steroids. Consequently, they get drawn and quartered by the media week-in and week-out, while the hundreds of other ballplayers are curiously ignored. Meanwhile, Shawn Merriman runs roughshod through the NFL, goes through a similar controversy, and no one bats an eye. No media members declare football disgraced, no presidents order government investigations. Let me illustrate a key difference between baseball and football: in football, the goal of a defender is to slam his opponent to the ground, while in baseball, a hitter has to hit a leather ball someplace where it will hit nobody. Given these distinctions, logistically for which sport should steroid use be abhorred? Even a damn Tusken Raider could deduce that the use performance enhancing drugs should be greater shunned in a sport where the health and safety of players are at stake. But no. Instead, Americans care about numbers, and records set by guys 30,50, even 70, years ago, on completely different playing fields.

Journalist Mary McGrory said "Baseball is what we were, football is what we've become", a statement I love. While this quote has multiple implications that can be examined in different arguments, the one that resonates here is the fact that baseball is no longer our "national pastime". It was once the sole, dominant force in American sports, but the emergence of the NFL, NBA, NCAA, NASCAR, NAACP, NAMBLA, etc., has resulted in baseball sharing the glory. Consequently we look to the "good ol' days", times void of steroid use and full of perfect athletic "icons", and constantly compare them to the ballplayers of today. This behavior, paired with the statistical nature of baseball, have led us to the clusterfuck we find ourselves in today, with little insight in to how it will all play out.

I for one can only hope that the players do exactly what their title suggests: play. I don't want a strike, I don't want guys resorting to roids, and I don't want a big hullabaloo made about meaningless records.

I just want Tim Lincecum to stay healthy.

fuck tommy smith

So last night after an eventful and fun evening me abriendo bitches and hungry for tacos capped of the night with a lovely taste of California’s finest. Afterwards all I wanted to do was come home get in my nice comfortable bed with clean sheets (a luxury considering I have only washed my sheets at school twice this semester) and jerk it before bed. While it was hard to put of this task in such a state, I decided I would first check soccernet to see what was happening with Chelsea. While reading an article I was forced to listen to the streaming video with Tommy Smith some Turkish fuck named Janush fagmanuk and another washed up analyst who can only make it onto a soccer sites pop up video. After the big four all clashed this weekend and Arsenal and Manchester both came out on top they had all decided it has now become a two horse race.
Moments before I had been in a great mood but I found myself fuming as I realized these jackasses who cannot even get their facts straight are the ones influencing potential fans who are just starting to appreciate the game of soccer. Chelsea has had a stigma attached to them ever since Roman bought the club and they certainly deserved a bit of that considering the money they spent. Arsenal Man U and Liverpool have huge histories strong academy programs and an aura around them that attracts big players and breeds success. Chelsea were forced to buy their way into that elite club and for that they received a great deal of scrutiny. However, now that we have established ourselves and have had continued success the spending has been cut back and we are developing both English and foreign young talents. Yet still we get all the shit, when really the other big clubs deserve a great deal more. Man U spent a ridiculous 50 million dollars this summer, 22 million of which was for Anderson who hasn’t done shit. Liverpool also spent way more than Chelsea (we only paid a transfer fee for Malouda who has been great), and Arsenal, while I respect Wenge. r and their style of play, has only fielded one English player, Walcott, all season, something that certainly has negative consequences for the English national team and the EPL in general.
I for one love having constructive conversations or arguments about soccer and Chelsea or whatever but I really hate it when retarded ignorant fucks know less about the game than the average fan, and they are the ones giving ammo for other ignorant fags who wanna talk shop with me. For example, Janush believes that Man U are the favorites to win the title. His main reason was the African cup of nations and the fact that Arsenal and Chelsea loose a large number of players for the competition. While this is true for Chelsea it is not for Arsenal. He specifically mentioned the fact that Adebayor would be absent for Arsenal… Check your facts dumbshit Togo didn’t qualify for the tournament so Adebayor will be staying put. I could list countless other examples from this one clip I watched but it would take to long and I need to take a shit, but let me just say its time people start showing Chelsea a little bit of respect. I don’t care if you don’t like them and if you want to support a team whose gonna get relegated (hungry for tacos) but at least check your facts when you criticize or don’t speak at all.
Out like Man U Liverpool and Arsenal from the champions league