Fantasy Football Draft Review 2008

Another fantasy season on the horizon, and another championship looks to be captured. By me. My baseball team kinda sucks. But my football team this year…good lord. Excuse me while I take a bath in all the money I would win if there were a prize for having the best fantasy team EVAR. AUHGHGU. Ok, here we go:

We Pterodactyl 4Free – Mark
Nasty Dogg, you have once again assembled a strong squad heading in to a fantasy season. But you didn’t know who Felix Jones was, which severely detracts from my opinion of you as a football man. Watch your weight…I think you’re munching down on too many of those nubcakes. If the universe collapses in to a blackhole, Osama bin Laden does Playboy, and Mike Shanahan actually sticks with Selvin Young for the whole season, your team could be one of the best. LT, Grant, and Young can make up for your underwhelming receiving corps that lacks a true stud. Trading Hasselbeck for Galloway will give you more depth, and Boldin should play, but his situation doesn’t seem to be improving.

Best Pick: Young. Backup Ryan Torain is out, though he’s progressing faster than thought. He could lose goalline touches to Andre Hall, but being the guy in Denver is enough in itself.

Worst Pick: Matt Hasselbeck. I know you thought we started two QBs like last year, but that’s your fault. Then you trade him for Joey Galloway; two “eh” players in my mind for this season.

Dryshitinmyasshair – John
A good team. I wanted Brees to fall to me like Nastia Liukin would…for me. If we ever met. What? I’m a believer in Earnest Graham and LenDale White for whatever reason, and Burleson is the only guy Hasselbeck can really throw to in Seattle for now. Westbrook is a stud, and warrants the #2 pick overall IMHO. The number of touches he’s guaranteed to get compensates for a little injury risk. Your bench is pretty terrible though. I don’t think Julius Jones is very good. Not really sure why you need two bench D players.

Best Pick: Brees. A monster season is in the works.

Worst Pick: Kevin Curtis. Had surgery and is already out for a little bit, but Crayton went a pick later and I like him more.

Krem+z roomies 4ever – Ilan aka “jooboi18”
Your team is not very good. Compared to everyone else, your bench is probably the best part about your team, which I guess makes up for the subpar starters. I like Chambers, but him, Walker, and Santana Moss make up a pretty lame WR corps, and Ronnie Brown’s status is too hazy with marijuana smoke emanating from the depths of Ricky Williams brain to be confident. Reggie Bush is just not that good. McGahee and Felix Jones are nice to have on the bench, however.

Best Pick: Chambers. Came on strong at the end of last year, and has the potential to put up big numbers in SD if he keeps the #1 job.

Worst Pick: Ronnie Brown/Willis McGahee. The risk of both is negated by the fact that owning two also raises the possibility of one of them panning out, but I wouldn’t want to be in that position. Though I would want to be the guy in the league who has Ray Rice and Ricky Williams sitting on his bench. AhemMEahemahepoopmasasdf.

Big Sweaty Mexsticle- mx+B!
This is a strong team. Maybe one to challenge mine. Probably not. Your lack at RB depth is worrisome, but Kevin Smith has been getting good reviews in preseason and Addai is always solid. DeAngelo Williams is also playing well, but Jonathan Stewart still lurks when he gets healthy. Fitzgerald, Holmes, and Roddy White give you one of the best WR trios in the league. Not nearly as good as mine though. If Vernon Davis is 1/2 as good as he is in my Madden franchise, you’ll probably get like 800 yards and 8 TDs. PA FL Clown FTW! David Garrard is one of my favorite players in the league. So yey Mex.

Best Pick: Kevin Smith. I thought him and Forte would both fall to me in the fifth round, but clever little Mexy snuck in and snatched him up. I like rookie running backs. I like Mex B.

Worst Pick: New Englands D. Fuck New England.

Jiffy Lubers – Kremer
When I send messages saying that you shouldn’t skip the draft unless you die or there’s a family emergency, I wasn’t aware that “getting In N Out before I leave for the shithole of Medford, Mass” fell within those boundaries. Fuck New England, though, so that’s ok. This team would have disappointed last year, and I’m not sure that all the players here can redeem themselves. Question marks are abound: will Andre Johnson stay healthy? What’s up with Bulger? Will Adrian Peterson repeat? With Larry Johnson rebound? Will Poodi Johnson reclaim the starting role in Cincy? Why would anyone ever have Trent Edwards on a fantasy team? Who is Will Blackmon? Is an over-under of 25 too high for the number of defensive touchdowns Manny Lawson will score this year? However, this team has a nice base, and you did well to handcuff Peterson and Poodi.

Best Pick: MANNY LAWSON OMFG FTW LOLZ0rZ.

Worst Pick: Brandon Marshall. 44 overall to a guy who’s missing out on the first few games of the season for being an idiot. Baby TO better clean up his act.

Shit burrito – Clay
This team would have been absurd like, 5 years ago, with Favre, Moss, Holt, Jamal Lewis, and Edge. I’m hoping Favre shits the bed this year, Edge is clearly past his prime, as is Holt, and it will be a tall order for Lewis to match last years totals. However, with an increased roll Miller Jenuine Draft will be stellar, Moss is gross, and Shockey should do well in New Orleans. I wanted him badly. Like Ginger Spice mmmmmm. However, drafting two backup D players really pooped on your bench. VY, Ginn Jr. and Josh “Jesus” Morgan aren’t going to cut it.

Best Pick: Shockey. Jones-Drew deserves consideration at 19, but Asshole should put up some nice numbers lining up with Brees and Colston.

Worst Pick: I would say Lee Evans, because I just don’t like Trent Edwards throwing to him all season. But I hate Brett Favre now, so he wins. Crybaby.

Ruthless Shiteaters – Ho-Train
WTF WTF WTF WTF were you thinking drafting Willie Parker 7 OVERALL>?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?////1/1/1slashssoneeeselevenel/1.2.@?@?@>@!@?!?!? There is absolutely no defense for this. Diarrhea. He had two touchdowns last year, and now Mendenhall is coming in. You could have drafted Tom Brady, and probably Chad Johnson and STILL had Parker in the 3rd round. Ugh. Anywaaays…the rest of your team is pretty OK. Your receivers are solid if anything, and I do like Thomas Jones this season. But Deuce McAllister should not be starting at your flex position, and you have no one on the bench to back him up. Change Donovan McNabb and Tom Brady, and this team looks very solid. But alas. Ho-Train knows best, I guess.

Best Pick: Jones. An improved line with the possibility of Favre opening it up a bit downfield for Coles and Cotchery should bring in good numbers, even for a 30-year old. Good pick.

Worst Pick: All your picks except for your first round pick. Oh. No, wait…

Clinton Pooptis – Ryay
Your complete inability to come up with a clever team name is something that still astonishes me to this day. In past years, you at least came up with something lame by yourself. Now, you just totally bite off of my team name from last year, Poodi Johnson, and my original team name this year, Pooce McAlister. I mean, Clinton Pooptis? Did you think you’d get away with that? Unbelievable. Anyways, like many teams here, your team is pretty solid but lacks depth. Brady is gold, I like Plax this year, Bowe is tight, and Portis and Turner figure to get a ton of touches. Leinart is nice to have as a #2 if he pans out, but I don’t see any production coming from the guys on your bench.

Best Pick: Burner Turner. Questions arise as to the effectiveness of Atlanta’s line and the prospect of teams packing the box to stop him, but there’s no question of his ability and the amount of carries he figures to have. He has the potential to be much more valuable than the 41st best fantasy producer.

Worst Pick: Shayne Graham. This was just funny. You picked him in the 10th round and then said something about how he scored more points than a lot of your offensive players. The best part was that there were about 5 kickers out there who all scored more than Graham last season. Predicting a kicker will be the best fantasy kicker in a given season is like building a toilet and trying to poop in it all while blindfolded. It’s really hard.

My dick pop silicon – Archie
You picked Peyton Manning in the first, not knowing we only had one QB this season. Being unprepared is the pitfall of the mighty. That’s Confucius. What? Anyways, while there are more intriguing picks, you won’t be too upset when you get 4,000 yards and 30 TDs from the man in blue. And mostly white. Running backs are where you really killed yourself; McFadden is amazing and gets the “Next Adrian Peterson” label, but he doesn’t have Steve Hutchinson blocking for him. Also, Jonathan Stewart is dinged up and is competing with DeAngelo Williams for the starting spot in Carolina. Steve Smith is a risk, but I like Edwards and Cotchery this season, and Watson should be solid in New England. But the lack of running backs kills.

Best Pick: Smith. Injuries, scrums with Ken Lucas…but this guy is a 2nd round, even borderline 1st round talent. In the 4th round, it’s worth the risk.

Worst Pick: Derrick Mason. He’s solid enough, but there were better WR options available here. A lot.

1-800-PeeOnYourFace – Alex
I said after the draft that I didn’t like your team that much, but after looking at everyone else’s yours is one of the strongest top to bottom. The Galloway/Hasselbeck trade with Mark is a certain upgrade over Jason Campbell. Although you have to think Holmgren will get Hasselbeck his work in, who’s he going to throw to? Who’s running the ball? Will his back hold up? Your receivers are strong, but I think Wayne will see a drop in production (though, some of it will siphon off to your 3rd WR, Anthony Gonzalez), and I do not like Greg Jennings in Green Bay at all. While I see Marshawn Lynch stepping it up another notch in fantasy production in his sophomore season, I don’t see the same step for Jacobs, and I worry about Fargas with wunderkind McFadden on Al Davis’ freak-athlete-obsessed mind. Your bench also has nice potential.

Best Pick: Devin Hester. By round 8, it’s time to take risks, and this freak could pay off nicely.

Worst Pick: Although there’s potential, I don’t think you needed to reach for Anthony Gonzalez at 63. There were better options out there.

Warm Diarrhea Broth – ME
Wow. What a team. My team fucking rules. The potential in Marvin Harrison as a #3 to complement TO and Colston is ridiculous, not to mention Hines Ward as my #4. Barber is going to go off this year. To my chagrin, Big Ben is simply getting better and better. It’s going to be hard to root for him, but whatever. My loyalties: Fantasy>Real football>Family>Gushers. The worry I have about my team is my youth, and the amount I invested into potential committee guys, though they are all on my bench. I’ve only heard good reports about Maui Wowie Williams, Ray Rice, and Chris Johnson, so I’m confident in their potential.

Best Pick: I like Forte a lot, but I can’t help myself but drool over the potential of getting Harrison at 59 overall. Also, I couldn’t believe Colston dropped to me at 38.

Worst Pick: NONE. But seriously, folks. Even though they’re going to be solid, too solid, this year, I probably could have waited on the Minnesota D and taken a player like Hester to solidify my bench.

Boobs lactate blood – Harrison
Tyler K probably did a better job impersonating you while drafting than you would have yourself. If that makes sense. Big reach on Calvin Johnson, and I don’t like Berrian and Driver as your #2 and #3. I like James Hardy, but not as a fantasy starter, yet. Romo will put up big time numbers, and I like Gore and Maroney, though I don’t think they’ll be anything very special. Jerious Norwood could create problems for Michael Turners touches. Also, Patrick Willis fucking rules.

Best Pick: Willis. Totally legit to pick him so early.

Worst Pick: Despite his potential, Calvin Johnson at 37 is just silly. You could have waited, or at least had someone better (like Colston).

I have no idea how this will play out; a lot of the teams are pretty similar. However, I put myself at the top, and my closest competitors will most likely be Mark, Mex, and Alex (Hart). I AM THE BEST. WOO.

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