Fantasy Baseball Draft Review

It is here: Widukind's Official Fantasy Draft Review, 2008. I would like to say that I stand by all predictions and observations made here, no matter how stupid and idiotic I appear 9 months down the road.

Poop Chunk Guacamole – Alex Hart
I am not reviewing your team. Instead, I am reviewing your psyche. The constant malcontent you display in the baseball league has all but confirmed a belief of mine; you are afraid of failure. Everyone else in this league who admits to not being the most knowledgeable baseball fan still tries. Hell, even Archie who claimed he didn’t “know shit about baseball” dominated the league last year by getting a little lucky in the draft and consequently trying by working the waiver wire. John overvalues young guys. So does Clay. Harrison...well this year it looks like he’s going to suck again, but at least he didn’t completely throw off a whole draft by only taking guys at one position.
But they try. You, on the other hand, just throw it all out the window so when you lose, you can say “So? Michael. I drafted all closers! I don’t care! Fuck it! Michael. You’re a dork.” You know football, so you try in football, and when you lose you blame luck. In baseball, you’re an utter defeatist.
How do you sleep at night?

head from the trainy – Ilan
If this were something like 2005, this team is would be an absolute monster offensively. In 2008, it should be solid, but brittle. Pudge, Chipper, Sheff, Abreu, and Delgado could and should all decline this year due to age. That said, they will still produce, and you balance the risk well with solid mashers in Vlad, Howard, and Hawpe. The main issue with your team offensively is there’s practically no upside whatsoever. Pitching wise you’re the same way; Hamels, Sheets, Pedro, and Burnett were all injured last season. This should be a solid, yet unspectacular group. I would rate your team: Sporty Spice. Solid, but not totally hot (Ilan will be the only one to receive a Spice Girls rating, because I know he loves them so, so much).

Best Pick: I think it was Kremer who liked the Chen-Ming Wang pick, and I agree, but I have to go with the Shawn Marcum pick in the last round. He’s a key part of a young, but talented Blue Jays staff.

Worst Pick: This has to be rounds 5 and 6 combined, when you took Chipper and Sheffield. One would have been ok, but two? Too many old-man poopy diapers to clean.

Snufflequeefegus – Rghey Pooperin
Your team name sucks. I have no idea what it fucking means. It’s not funny or creative. But, coming from you, I guess that’s expected. Anyways…you have a strong infield. The fact that Utley fell to you after the swing between the 1st and 2nd rounds is ridiculous, and all those owners should be shot. I love Miggy Cabrera this year, and Gonzo is always vastly underrated. Your outfield, on the other hand, is very disappointing. I don’t care what you think about Matt Kemp, but you picked him way, way too early (more on this later). Pitching wise you’ll be very strong, though I think Bedard and especially Oswalt are in for a decline. As usual, I count you among my strongest competition.

Best Pick: The Utley pick was obvious, and the Gonzo and Capps picks were strong, but I like the Blanton pick. I think he really puts it together this year.

Worst Pick: Matt Kemp. Other than some of the retards in the league, this has to be the “What the FUCK were you thinking?” moment of the draft. It really doesn’t matter how well he does, but you could have had him so many rounds later. You could have had Russ Martin or Renteria here to shore up your infield, or even Kazmir (more on him later) to make your pitching obscene. But instead you took a DODGER OMGWTF who didn’t even have 300 ABs last season. Whatever.

golddiggers – Juanny
Offensively you’re very strong, with Soriano, Manny, and El Caballo anchoring your outfield. Your infield, despite the void at catcher, also has serious pop; I also really like Renteria this season. Other than Weeks, however, you have zero speed. Pitching wise…somebody give me a toilet in which to poop and barf and then swim around in and say “look at me I’m swimming in John’s fantasy pitchers”. Once again you completely overvalued young prospects, and half of your staff it seems is coming off of Tommy John surgery. Truly awful, awful job done here.

Best Pick: Rickie Weeks. Got him fairly late, and his batting average should jump way up this season. I expect big things from this young, 100% raw talent.

Worst Pick: All of your pitching. Seriously, what were you thinking?

Big Tall Homo Cunt – Archie
Thanks for being completely incompetent when helping me out when I was trying to decide when the draft would be. Huge minus in my book; you owe me flowers, or some chocolate. You were the only owner who had to auto-draft, which sucks, but you came out fairly well, and the auto-pick really screwed me on a couple occasions when guys were falling way farther than they should have (see: Torii Hunter, Hunter Pence, Ted Lilly). Offensively you’re strong, but you’re starting pitchers are bad and thin. Sorry.

No best or worst pick here, due to it being a computer, and computers can’t think. 01000110 01100001 01110010 01110100! Oh, shit! (That’s a real word. Look it up.)

Rj licks bludy sheet – Harrison
Your offense is pretty weak. Reyes and Ichiro are always solid, and Hafner should be better this season, but Byrnes, Lowell, and Rowand are all primed for decline. Add on the fact that Helton’s not hitting for power anymore, and you could potentially have a team void of a 30 homerun hitter. Pitching-wise you’re not much better-thin, full of risk, and poopy smelling. I don’t mind the Lincecum pick so much just because he’s the next Jesus, but you only have 4 ½ starters (who knows what the Yankees will have Joba do), and one of them is Curt Schilling. Actually, I’d say you’re worse off than John. Ew.

Best Pick: Todd Helton. His power’s fading, but he’s still an OPS machine in the middle of a very potent lineup, and you grabbed him after other people reached on some much less reliable players.

Worst Pick: I would say J.J. Hardy because you took him way too early, but I have to give it to A.J. PierfuckmeintheassbecauseIsuckasski. Fuck that guy.

DemQueef Enthusiasts - Mark
I don’t really get the “Dem”; “The” probably would be better, because nobody uses “Dem”. Either way, I’m glad you have a passion for gaseous vaginal expulsions. Your offense is very strong; well-rounded with power and speed. However, for some reason I really don’t like Pujols this year. He reminds me of Larry Johnson this season for football; everything adds up for him to have a down year (injury, support is godawful), but just because he’s Larry Johnson people take him really high. However, baseball is a much more individualistic sport, so Pujols will probably do just fine. Pitching-wise you are also strong, but risky. I think you had Vazquez last year, but he’s primed for a downfall; how after 3 mediocre seasons does he all of a sudden become an ace again? I’m not buying it.

Best Pick: Ryan Garko. I liked the Thome pick as well because he’ll still produce, but it will be fun to see what Garko can with a full season. From what I’ve read he doesn’t have potential to get much better, but he should be very solid.

Worst Pick: I can’t say Pujols at 4th overall just because he’s Albert Pujols, so I’ll go with Vazquez at 100.

Shart Stain- Clay
I shouldn’t have expected anything less, or more, depending how you look at it; drafting overhyped young guys who are fun to watch but just not that good (yet), and then claiming at the draft that you’re team is easily the best. Whatever. Other than Fielder and Morneau your offense is completely void of power. Carl Crawford is sick but consistently overrated, and though he should put up better run and RBI numbers on an improving Rays team, he has no pop. Saltalamacchia? Ellsbury? Pedrioa? Longoria? Buck? Betancourt? These guys are all a few years away from developing. Your pitching is decent with Beckett/Carmona/King Felix, but after that it’s all speculation and hype.

Best Pick: I really like Micah Owings, and you got him real late. He’s a great athlete and has a potential to succeed under little pressure as the D-Backs 4th or 5th starter (that’s a scary thought).

Worst Pick: A lot of nominees for this one. I hate Juan Pierre, but I have to go with Crawford. I say so because Utley was available; you fucked that one up.

Long Black Sausage – Kremdawg
First of all, I love the name. It’s succinct, simple, yet poignant. A job well done. Offensively you did very well for yourself, except you have no speed. You balance guys who are sure to improve on 2007 (Matsui, Atkins, Encarnacion) with guys who may dip in production but are still solid (Jeter, Magglio, Kent). I would like to note how homogenous that latter trio is. For shame, Kremer. Your pitching is also very strong. As you said in the draft with C.C. and Kaz you have K’s wrapped up; Shields and Billingsley can blow guys away as well. Your team as a whole is very, very solid.

Best Pick: Scott Kazmir. I said I’d touch on this, and now I will. What were all you guys thinking? I had him lined up and was absolutely salivating at him potentially dropping to me (though Trevor probably would have snatched him up). RJ is my primary goat here; instead of drafting Kazmir, you picked Oswalt and MATT KEMP OMFG instead. Good job Kremdawg.

EDIT: I realized I forgot to give Kremer a Worst Pick. I think it has to be Magglio, even though Detroit will be sick this year. He's like Raul Ibanez two years ago; you don't get way better all of a sudden if you're an older player. Except for Barry.

RJstainedhiscumrag? – Trevor
I hated you having the 2nd overall pick, because you really screwed me a couple of times when the round came back our way. Your offense is OK, but I’m having trouble seeing how it turns out. You have a lot of good young talent (Hanley, Zimmerman, Granderson, Kendrick), but you also have a lot of guys who seem past their prime (Glaus, Tejada, Wells, Bay). Out of those last four I think Wells should rebound nicely from injury, but I have no idea what happened to Jason Bay last year. After a strong one-two punch with Peavy and Harang, your pitching is real thin and injury prone. Ryan had TJ, Gallardo is already hurt, and Carpenter is out for a long time. Putz is a beast, but we’ll have to wait and see if your top guys can outweigh the potential mediocrity of guys like Bonderman and Greinke.

Best Pick: The Big Hurt in the last round is great value; he can still hit and will benefit from being in a lineup with a rebounding Wells and rising Rios. I liked the Zimmerman pick as well and taking a flier on Zach “Fucking Psychotic” Greinke.

Worst Pick: Jason Bay bothers me, but I don’t like the Putz pick at 50 overall. A closer is not worth that much.

NycPoosOutItsUrethra – Zmath
The team name is strong, though the effect is really diminished by Yahoo!’s annoying 20-letter limit. Your hitting is scary; well-rounded with speed, power, steady producers and high-potential guys. Though Blalock is clearly past his ’03-’05 form, he should rebound from a poor ’07 and JD Drew is another guy I’ve been thinking about having a nice rebound year in ’08. Ortiz/Konerko/VMart/Rollins are all solid producers, and Markakis is a budding star. The only issue is that your bench is a bit thin as it stands right now. Your pitching is not nearly as solid as your offense. Penny will come down to earth, Halladay isn’t K-ing like he used to, Daisuke is a shaky #2, and Lester/Kuroda/Schmidt are all big question marks (what’s up with the Dodgers by the way? Fyuck you!).

Best Pick: Schmidt is a nice late-round flier, but I like Drew. He can’t stay healthy for the life of him, but after that homer in the playoffs I can’t help but thinking he becomes Boston’s new darling. He has the talent to be a beast in that lineup.

Worst Pick: Matsuzaka. He’s good, but guys like Aaron Harang, Carlos Zambrano, and Chris Young were all taken right afterwards, and I think those guys are more steady options.

Diarrhea Hot Tub – Me
I really like my team. Obviously spending my top four picks on infield is a risk in a 4 OF league, but having a solidified infield of big-time producers makes me very comfortable. Those positions can be very hard to fill using free agents. I think I did well in the outfield as well, grabbing uber-talent Chris Young, rising five-tooler Corey Hart, and Swish who I think will thrive in U.S. Cellular. I also got the real young Dodger talent (aka NOT Matt Kemp), James Loney. My pitching is also strong. Analysts were wary of Haren’s statistical decline post All-Star break, but I think the move to the NL will benefit him. Young, Cain, Maine, and McGowan are all sick young guns, though I’m not too confident in Jimenez or Bailey.

Best Pick: If Kazmir had fallen to me at 72 I would not stop talking about it, but alas he did not. However, I give myself a pat on the back for grabbing Loney at 144. In retrospect I could have had Helton who provides more security, but Loney is the real deal. Move over, Nomar (who finally has fallen into obscurity. He wasn’t even drafted in our all-important league. What a loser.)

Worst Pick: Although Mike Napoli is regarded as a potential solid fantasy catcher, I think I blew it by not solidifying fantasy’s weakest position with a more surefire talent. I got Napoli with my last pick, so this isn’t really a “Worst Pick” but more of a “Worst Un-Pick”.

Post-draft rankings:

1) Me

2) Kremer

3) Zmath

4) RJ

5) Mark

6) Trevor

7) Ilan

8) Archie

9) John

10) Clay

11) Harrison

12) Alex

End of season prediction:

1) Me

2) Kremer

3) RJ

4) Mark

5) Trevor

6) Zmath

7) Ilan

8) Archie

9) John

10) Clay

11) Harrison

12) Alex

Last year I made the prediction that if Clay, Harrison, and Alex didn't end up in the bottom three I would eat a diarrhea popsicle. At the end of the regular season, the Three Musketeers predictably stunk up the joint, and thankfully no diarrhea popsicle was eaten. I can't offer that prediction this year, however, because Archie's team is not as good post-draft as last year, and you can never count out the king of knee-jerk reactions, Juan Fish.

Good luck to all the mere mortals. But I guarantee it will be Widukind once again at the top of the heap come September. (blogger all of a sudden has decided not to let me put space between my paragraphs).

PS: Tune in to WMRE.FM tonight @ 12 AM EST for Wonder Mike Radio, first half hour free of technical difficulties!