Fantasy Football: The Year in Review...

John 0
Mark 1
Archie 1
Ian 1
Harrison 1
Clay 2
Alex 2
RJ 4
Andy 4
Me 7

No, this list is not measuring the varying sizes of penises in the league (everyone should go to www.allsp.com and watch Chinpokomon from the 3^rd season.) The above list is how many losses each person had after scoring 125 points or more. Just like for baseball fantasy, I got fucked. FUCKED. Andy had it rough, and RJ kinda did, but two of his losses were when he scored exactly 125. Explain that list to me, and I’ll give you a beej. I make that wager because there is no explanation for that other than shit luck. Fuck it.

Not to mention that my 3^rd round pick didn’t play a snap all season. Considering the Texans super-sick-ass hydra of Wali Lundy, Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado rushed for 1,149 yards and 8 touchdowns, I know Domanick Davis would have done much better. Fuck it. Also, not to mention that my 2^nd round pick, Larry Fitzgerald, was the 2^nd WR taken but because of injury ended up the 27^th ranked WR. Trent Green also missed out on…just a couple games. FUCK.

Best Draft Pick:

Technically this award should go to John for his pick of Nate Kaeding in the last round, but kickers are super ghey. Therefore, I give the award to myself for picking Kellen Winslow in the 19^th round. What a sav. Another great candidate for this award would be Alex for sticking with his gut and taking LT second. Also, Clay made a nice value pick in Drew Brees, but the fact that he was coming off a good year already takes that pick down a peg or two. (Note: I eliminated a lot of potential winners for this because the owner didn’t actually know what they were doing and just got lucky…like John who wasn’t really there, which also factors in to why he doesn’t win this award.)

Worst Draft Pick:

Ian should get this. Eli Manning at 12^th overall, before Palmer, Brady, et al. What a retard. But I’m going to continue this trend and give it to myself for Shayne “I will never pick him in fantasy/I want to diarrhea in his face” Graham. The only fucking kicker in the NFL to miss 2 PAT’s all year, and one just had to come in the last week of the regular season. I miss the playoffs by one point. FUCK THAT.

Best FA Pickup:

Per usual, there were a few waiver-wire studs this year. But, the award has to go to Andy for the pick up of Maurice Jones-Drew. A De La Salle Trojan turned UCLA Bruin, Jones-Drew repped the Best Coast hard all year long and finished in the top-15 for fantasy scoring. This really pissed me off because I grabbed Greg Jones late who I thought would be a valuable backup to Fred Taylor, but Jones got hurt (FUCK) and didn’t take a snap all year. Overall though I win for best waiver wire scavenging, with pickups of Marques Colston, Vince Young, Ladell Betts (haha John), and even JP Losman. Mark struck gold with Tony Romo, as well.

Worst Drop:

John, for Romo real early on, and Betts later. Haha R-Tard. Harrison and RJ also both had little affairs with VY, but clearly didn’t have the same type of man-crush I had.

Highest Point Total:

Andy put up a monstrous 194 points in Week 6, beating poor Alex who put up 140.

Lowest Point Total:

Surprisingly not Ian, but also not surprising that it was Clay. What is shocking is that it didn’t come after he picked up all Niners; in Week 7 Clay put up an incredible 55 points. Wow.

New Level of Futility:

Ian. 2 wins in a league that had a surprising amount of parity. One of his wins was after he dropped 88 points on Mark, who couldn’t quite pull it out with 84. Longest streak was 8 weeks of straight losing. Congrats dude.

Champion:

Mark. I’m really glad you beat Andy and “generally” like you as a person, so I’m happy. But the bitterness of this season will last for a long time, so don’t expect any real kudos just yet. Still, 2^nd year in a row, you must be doing something right.

Should Have Won the League:

Me. Fucking ridiculous. I figured, had Shayne Graham not missed that PAT, or someone on my team scored 2 more points, I would have beaten Alex and made the playoffs. Alex would remain in 2^nd place at 9-5 because he had a point advantage over Andy, so I would have had the 4^th seed. I would have beaten John 139-117, and then beaten Mark for the championship 139-130. Go figure. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

The only thing that makes this in any way less annoying is that two of my other squads, “Poop Poop Vagina” and “|-O-| TIE FIGHTERS!!” both won their respective championships. Huzzah.