HomelessNigg Presents: A Clash of Titans

My friends, let's be honest with ourselves. We, the humble contributors of DressArchie, have neglected to post for weeks now, partially due to the hilarity of Widukind's latest post but also undoubtedly due to an onslaught of laziness. For awhile, I began to think that the embers of DressArchie were finally dying out, that our small but worthy tribute to the world wide web would be snuffed out like a romantic wax candle on a cool summer's eve. But fear not, my comrades, for ol' HomelessNigg has found something to give new life to this blog. And, like all good discoveries, it began with a phone call call from my brother.

Gentlemen, I was just coming back from the library today when, just outside of the glorious Kappa Alpha fraternity house, something began to buzz inside of my pocket. It was my cellular blowing up, and I was pleased to see that my brother, who I shall hereafter refer to as Bilo, was on the other line. We had spoken very recently, so I immediately knew that the subject of his phone call must involve something extraordinary.

"HomelessNigg!" he shouted into the phone between howls of laughter. "Are you near a computer?"

"Why yes, Brother Bilo," I replied. "I am indeed. What's going on?"

"Dude. I booted up the 'Craft today and started talking shit and I really pissed this guy off," explained Bilo. "He was so pissed that he challenged me to a fight and I told him I'd meet him at this restaurant at Santa Clara, and he actually went there and made a fucking YouTube video about it calling me out! This guy is such a fucking nerd, you have to see this."

Now before I continue, I have a confession to make. Many of you are probably wondering what "the 'Craft" is, and you suspictions are probably about half correct. My brother and I, early in high school, used to play the absurdly nerdy but wondrously fun game called Warcraft III. Laugh if you will, but I was a fucking master of that game, and would pwn n00bs of all sorts on the internet for hours at a time. Now, I have refrained from playing for a few years, but every once in awhile my brother and I get the crazy idea of starting it up again and teaming up to upset nerdy kids on the internet. For me, the idea has been but a fantasy, but apparently ol' Bilo succumbed to the pressure.

The greatest thing about Bilo's gaming habits is that he is a miserable player but talks more shit than anyone in this entire universe. He plays the game more to spew racist insults at nerds nationwide than to actually level up his hero, train a few soldiers, and destroy his opponent's base. To accompany that bizarre but hilarious attitude, the screen name he has chosen is "unfucwitable", the name of a song by the infamous X-Raided, a rapper who is currently in prison and makes his recordings over a prison phone.

But back to the story. Bilo, recovering from his laughter, gave me specific instructions: "Go to YouTube, type in unfucwitable, and click on the only results. Then call me back." He didn't even wait for a response, just hung up. I complied with his instructions, and here is what I found.

That entire video is capping on old Brother Bilo. If you look closely, you can notice his head photoshopped onto numerous individuals performing various homosexual acts. Apparently Bilo must have sent this guy a photo to intimidate him. I thought that was a strange decision on his part, but whatever. I have a strange feeling that Bilo would kick this guy's ass pretty hard.

Anyway, I thought you lads would enjoy this. It's not every day you see your brother slandered by a spectacle-toting nerd on a YouTube video, so it was special for me, at least. And, my, what a soundtrack!

A Joke. With Pictures! Go Internet.

NOTE: I did not make this up, multiple people have posted it around teh int0rnetz. I got it from here, via StumbleUpon, aka The Greatest Thing Ever.

A koala was sitting on a gum tree....... smoking a joint

A little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said:

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit duuuude how much water did you drink???

New Girl Talk...

Some of you probably already have this but the blog's been a little slow lately so I thought I'd inject a little life hopefully. Girl Talk released a new CD end of June this summer but I didn't hear about it really until last night when a friend of mine played it for me.

I've only given it one full listen through so far but I do think its pretty good, although it falls short a little bit of the last album. I feel like he does a few too many things some times on this album. But that doesn't mean there aren't a few golden moments every once in a while. The first 30 seconds of the whole album and the sampling of Raekwon's verse from C.R.E.A.M. on the track "What it's all about," stand out to me. But there are definitely more. Either way its worth having.

Girl Talk's done something a little revolutionary with this album though. He's put it up on the internet at this website: Girl Talk - Feed the Animals, but he doesn't give a price, asking the listener to give his own price, but with extra stuff coming for 5 dollars or more and even more extra stuff for 10 dollars more. You can get the CD for free, you just feel like a bit of asshole. But I still did it for free. Overall, I'd recommend. Hope everyone's liking being back at school.

Fantasy Football Draft Review 2008

Another fantasy season on the horizon, and another championship looks to be captured. By me. My baseball team kinda sucks. But my football team this year…good lord. Excuse me while I take a bath in all the money I would win if there were a prize for having the best fantasy team EVAR. AUHGHGU. Ok, here we go:

We Pterodactyl 4Free – Mark
Nasty Dogg, you have once again assembled a strong squad heading in to a fantasy season. But you didn’t know who Felix Jones was, which severely detracts from my opinion of you as a football man. Watch your weight…I think you’re munching down on too many of those nubcakes. If the universe collapses in to a blackhole, Osama bin Laden does Playboy, and Mike Shanahan actually sticks with Selvin Young for the whole season, your team could be one of the best. LT, Grant, and Young can make up for your underwhelming receiving corps that lacks a true stud. Trading Hasselbeck for Galloway will give you more depth, and Boldin should play, but his situation doesn’t seem to be improving.

Best Pick: Young. Backup Ryan Torain is out, though he’s progressing faster than thought. He could lose goalline touches to Andre Hall, but being the guy in Denver is enough in itself.

Worst Pick: Matt Hasselbeck. I know you thought we started two QBs like last year, but that’s your fault. Then you trade him for Joey Galloway; two “eh” players in my mind for this season.

Dryshitinmyasshair – John
A good team. I wanted Brees to fall to me like Nastia Liukin would…for me. If we ever met. What? I’m a believer in Earnest Graham and LenDale White for whatever reason, and Burleson is the only guy Hasselbeck can really throw to in Seattle for now. Westbrook is a stud, and warrants the #2 pick overall IMHO. The number of touches he’s guaranteed to get compensates for a little injury risk. Your bench is pretty terrible though. I don’t think Julius Jones is very good. Not really sure why you need two bench D players.

Best Pick: Brees. A monster season is in the works.

Worst Pick: Kevin Curtis. Had surgery and is already out for a little bit, but Crayton went a pick later and I like him more.

Krem+z roomies 4ever – Ilan aka “jooboi18”
Your team is not very good. Compared to everyone else, your bench is probably the best part about your team, which I guess makes up for the subpar starters. I like Chambers, but him, Walker, and Santana Moss make up a pretty lame WR corps, and Ronnie Brown’s status is too hazy with marijuana smoke emanating from the depths of Ricky Williams brain to be confident. Reggie Bush is just not that good. McGahee and Felix Jones are nice to have on the bench, however.

Best Pick: Chambers. Came on strong at the end of last year, and has the potential to put up big numbers in SD if he keeps the #1 job.

Worst Pick: Ronnie Brown/Willis McGahee. The risk of both is negated by the fact that owning two also raises the possibility of one of them panning out, but I wouldn’t want to be in that position. Though I would want to be the guy in the league who has Ray Rice and Ricky Williams sitting on his bench. AhemMEahemahepoopmasasdf.

Big Sweaty Mexsticle- mx+B!
This is a strong team. Maybe one to challenge mine. Probably not. Your lack at RB depth is worrisome, but Kevin Smith has been getting good reviews in preseason and Addai is always solid. DeAngelo Williams is also playing well, but Jonathan Stewart still lurks when he gets healthy. Fitzgerald, Holmes, and Roddy White give you one of the best WR trios in the league. Not nearly as good as mine though. If Vernon Davis is 1/2 as good as he is in my Madden franchise, you’ll probably get like 800 yards and 8 TDs. PA FL Clown FTW! David Garrard is one of my favorite players in the league. So yey Mex.

Best Pick: Kevin Smith. I thought him and Forte would both fall to me in the fifth round, but clever little Mexy snuck in and snatched him up. I like rookie running backs. I like Mex B.

Worst Pick: New Englands D. Fuck New England.

Jiffy Lubers – Kremer
When I send messages saying that you shouldn’t skip the draft unless you die or there’s a family emergency, I wasn’t aware that “getting In N Out before I leave for the shithole of Medford, Mass” fell within those boundaries. Fuck New England, though, so that’s ok. This team would have disappointed last year, and I’m not sure that all the players here can redeem themselves. Question marks are abound: will Andre Johnson stay healthy? What’s up with Bulger? Will Adrian Peterson repeat? With Larry Johnson rebound? Will Poodi Johnson reclaim the starting role in Cincy? Why would anyone ever have Trent Edwards on a fantasy team? Who is Will Blackmon? Is an over-under of 25 too high for the number of defensive touchdowns Manny Lawson will score this year? However, this team has a nice base, and you did well to handcuff Peterson and Poodi.

Best Pick: MANNY LAWSON OMFG FTW LOLZ0rZ.

Worst Pick: Brandon Marshall. 44 overall to a guy who’s missing out on the first few games of the season for being an idiot. Baby TO better clean up his act.

Shit burrito – Clay
This team would have been absurd like, 5 years ago, with Favre, Moss, Holt, Jamal Lewis, and Edge. I’m hoping Favre shits the bed this year, Edge is clearly past his prime, as is Holt, and it will be a tall order for Lewis to match last years totals. However, with an increased roll Miller Jenuine Draft will be stellar, Moss is gross, and Shockey should do well in New Orleans. I wanted him badly. Like Ginger Spice mmmmmm. However, drafting two backup D players really pooped on your bench. VY, Ginn Jr. and Josh “Jesus” Morgan aren’t going to cut it.

Best Pick: Shockey. Jones-Drew deserves consideration at 19, but Asshole should put up some nice numbers lining up with Brees and Colston.

Worst Pick: I would say Lee Evans, because I just don’t like Trent Edwards throwing to him all season. But I hate Brett Favre now, so he wins. Crybaby.

Ruthless Shiteaters – Ho-Train
WTF WTF WTF WTF were you thinking drafting Willie Parker 7 OVERALL>?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?////1/1/1slashssoneeeselevenel/1.2.@?@?@>@!@?!?!? There is absolutely no defense for this. Diarrhea. He had two touchdowns last year, and now Mendenhall is coming in. You could have drafted Tom Brady, and probably Chad Johnson and STILL had Parker in the 3rd round. Ugh. Anywaaays…the rest of your team is pretty OK. Your receivers are solid if anything, and I do like Thomas Jones this season. But Deuce McAllister should not be starting at your flex position, and you have no one on the bench to back him up. Change Donovan McNabb and Tom Brady, and this team looks very solid. But alas. Ho-Train knows best, I guess.

Best Pick: Jones. An improved line with the possibility of Favre opening it up a bit downfield for Coles and Cotchery should bring in good numbers, even for a 30-year old. Good pick.

Worst Pick: All your picks except for your first round pick. Oh. No, wait…

Clinton Pooptis – Ryay
Your complete inability to come up with a clever team name is something that still astonishes me to this day. In past years, you at least came up with something lame by yourself. Now, you just totally bite off of my team name from last year, Poodi Johnson, and my original team name this year, Pooce McAlister. I mean, Clinton Pooptis? Did you think you’d get away with that? Unbelievable. Anyways, like many teams here, your team is pretty solid but lacks depth. Brady is gold, I like Plax this year, Bowe is tight, and Portis and Turner figure to get a ton of touches. Leinart is nice to have as a #2 if he pans out, but I don’t see any production coming from the guys on your bench.

Best Pick: Burner Turner. Questions arise as to the effectiveness of Atlanta’s line and the prospect of teams packing the box to stop him, but there’s no question of his ability and the amount of carries he figures to have. He has the potential to be much more valuable than the 41st best fantasy producer.

Worst Pick: Shayne Graham. This was just funny. You picked him in the 10th round and then said something about how he scored more points than a lot of your offensive players. The best part was that there were about 5 kickers out there who all scored more than Graham last season. Predicting a kicker will be the best fantasy kicker in a given season is like building a toilet and trying to poop in it all while blindfolded. It’s really hard.

My dick pop silicon – Archie
You picked Peyton Manning in the first, not knowing we only had one QB this season. Being unprepared is the pitfall of the mighty. That’s Confucius. What? Anyways, while there are more intriguing picks, you won’t be too upset when you get 4,000 yards and 30 TDs from the man in blue. And mostly white. Running backs are where you really killed yourself; McFadden is amazing and gets the “Next Adrian Peterson” label, but he doesn’t have Steve Hutchinson blocking for him. Also, Jonathan Stewart is dinged up and is competing with DeAngelo Williams for the starting spot in Carolina. Steve Smith is a risk, but I like Edwards and Cotchery this season, and Watson should be solid in New England. But the lack of running backs kills.

Best Pick: Smith. Injuries, scrums with Ken Lucas…but this guy is a 2nd round, even borderline 1st round talent. In the 4th round, it’s worth the risk.

Worst Pick: Derrick Mason. He’s solid enough, but there were better WR options available here. A lot.

1-800-PeeOnYourFace – Alex
I said after the draft that I didn’t like your team that much, but after looking at everyone else’s yours is one of the strongest top to bottom. The Galloway/Hasselbeck trade with Mark is a certain upgrade over Jason Campbell. Although you have to think Holmgren will get Hasselbeck his work in, who’s he going to throw to? Who’s running the ball? Will his back hold up? Your receivers are strong, but I think Wayne will see a drop in production (though, some of it will siphon off to your 3rd WR, Anthony Gonzalez), and I do not like Greg Jennings in Green Bay at all. While I see Marshawn Lynch stepping it up another notch in fantasy production in his sophomore season, I don’t see the same step for Jacobs, and I worry about Fargas with wunderkind McFadden on Al Davis’ freak-athlete-obsessed mind. Your bench also has nice potential.

Best Pick: Devin Hester. By round 8, it’s time to take risks, and this freak could pay off nicely.

Worst Pick: Although there’s potential, I don’t think you needed to reach for Anthony Gonzalez at 63. There were better options out there.

Warm Diarrhea Broth – ME
Wow. What a team. My team fucking rules. The potential in Marvin Harrison as a #3 to complement TO and Colston is ridiculous, not to mention Hines Ward as my #4. Barber is going to go off this year. To my chagrin, Big Ben is simply getting better and better. It’s going to be hard to root for him, but whatever. My loyalties: Fantasy>Real football>Family>Gushers. The worry I have about my team is my youth, and the amount I invested into potential committee guys, though they are all on my bench. I’ve only heard good reports about Maui Wowie Williams, Ray Rice, and Chris Johnson, so I’m confident in their potential.

Best Pick: I like Forte a lot, but I can’t help myself but drool over the potential of getting Harrison at 59 overall. Also, I couldn’t believe Colston dropped to me at 38.

Worst Pick: NONE. But seriously, folks. Even though they’re going to be solid, too solid, this year, I probably could have waited on the Minnesota D and taken a player like Hester to solidify my bench.

Boobs lactate blood – Harrison
Tyler K probably did a better job impersonating you while drafting than you would have yourself. If that makes sense. Big reach on Calvin Johnson, and I don’t like Berrian and Driver as your #2 and #3. I like James Hardy, but not as a fantasy starter, yet. Romo will put up big time numbers, and I like Gore and Maroney, though I don’t think they’ll be anything very special. Jerious Norwood could create problems for Michael Turners touches. Also, Patrick Willis fucking rules.

Best Pick: Willis. Totally legit to pick him so early.

Worst Pick: Despite his potential, Calvin Johnson at 37 is just silly. You could have waited, or at least had someone better (like Colston).

I have no idea how this will play out; a lot of the teams are pretty similar. However, I put myself at the top, and my closest competitors will most likely be Mark, Mex, and Alex (Hart). I AM THE BEST. WOO.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT…WRITE YOUR OWN!

this is AMAZING

So at work today they had absolutely nothing for me to do. I have been sitting around browsing the net all day and there are only so many people to stalk on the facebook.com so I essentially ran out of things to look at. At the peak of my bordem I was explaining my predicament to kinkle bear who in his infinite Buddha wisdom directed me to the perfect solution: http://www.stumbleupon.com/. This website is amazing. I recommend signing up to everyone. The site creates a toolbar at the top of your browser and after you have set your preferences to things you are interested in you merely press the stumble button and it directs you to a possible site of interest. You then give these sites a thumbs up or thumbs down rating. As you visit more sites and rate them stumble begins to get a better understanding of what you like and you get directed to specific sites of interest that you never would have discovered but that are awesome. Everyone who loves to procrastinate needs to have this.

NIKE BRILLIANCE

I have been interning for EA Sports advertising/marketing for the past 2 months. This is my first experience working with an advertising department. My managers are the directors of sports advertising and I have learned a lot about the process of marketing, which includes a lot of negotiating with creatives at advertising agencies and with executives within the EA company. I also learned that every single image, celeb, and person you put into an ad needs to be approved by thousands of people. Also, if you have celebrities in your ads, you should be ready to "let it rain" and get those people their cheddar. If you show a celeb for at least 1 second in an add, you have to shell out at least $25,000-40,000. I've also learned that when you are trying to gage how successful an ad campaign is, or if you are wondering what the next best thing in advertising is, you always compare and look at what NIKE is doing. They are the Mecca of marketing...they piss on every other company's ad campaigs. EA SPORTS has definitely taken this message to heart, as they have hired the same advertising agency as NIKE, Wieden & Kennedy, to run their new GAMERS campaign. If you don't know, the GAMERS campaign shows actual gamers and athletes including, Snoop Dogg, Kimbo Slice, Maurice Jones Drew, Shawne Merriman, and Tony Parker, to talk about their own experience and their own love for EA Sports games. Here is the link to the EA SPORTS GAMERS microsite if you are interested: http://www.easports.com/gamers/madden.jsp

"Nike's new Olympics TV commercial "Courage" goes on air in Asia and Latin and South America this weekend. Portland's Wieden+Kennedy produced the 30- and 60-second spots. They'll air in the U.S. when the Olympics start Aug. 8. Learn more about the ads and Nike's first and newest 'Just Do It' taglined campaign below.
The song that drives the "Courage" spots: "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers.
You'll note the ad is designed to drive viewers to Nike's website to interact with the spot even more (and, it hopes, buy gear at the same time).
Much like its heralded "My Better" Sparq Training spot this spring, "Courage" is fast-paced and packed with athletes. Images of more than 30 athletes flash across the screen over 60 seconds, the company says. The ad is designed to pique viewer's curiosities about the faces they see and prompt them to want to see it again and again.
Nike gladly will allow them to do just that. Nike's website has a place where viewers can go to pause the ad, learn the name of the athlete on the screen and read about his or her "courageous" story. Athletes range from Oregon icon Steve Prefontaine to failed 1984 Olympic medalists Mary Decker Slaney and Henry Marsh to Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester to amputee Oscar Pistorius (whose Olympic quest officially ended Friday).
Nike also created a group on YouTube where viewers can upload their own videos that they think embody courage." --> Description of NIKE campaign taken from Playbooks and Profits blog, by Bret Hunsberger on Oregonlive.com.

Anyway, these are the two new NIKE commercials that have been airing during the Olympics. Holy shit...they must have paid soooo much money for these spots!!! Look at all of the athletes/celebs that they used and have to pay. These are some of the best ads ive seen in a while...so dope. JUST DO IT!!! ...in the butt.

BTW...check out NIKE TOWN right now...really good gear there right now.

Can't see no room for improvement...

New Dizzee Rascal song. Came out very end of June and it is already number one in the UK. Hasn't been released yet in the U.S. I dig it:

Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal

I actually really like the song. It's catchy but it still sounds like Dizzee. Video's terrible though. It's silly, but it looks cheap without meaning to be and Dizzee just looks pretty awkward. All together definitely worth downloading.

Fix Up, Look Sharp

Go Away, Brett Favre

That is all.

Group Home

Some kid from school who knows nothing about rap asked me if I knew Lil' Dap. Shamed, I didn't. So I researched. As it turns out, Lil' Dap isn't some southern dude like I expected; in fact, he's an old school guy from New York who once was part of a tight duo called Group Home, along with some dude Melachi the Nutcracker. Wikipedia learned me on the two, and I downloaded their album from '95, Livin Proof. Lyrically they aren't super exciting, but while I gave it my first listen I noticed the beats were pretty much all the dopeness (instead of the wackness, duh. shitty fucking movie.). As it turns out, most of the album was produced by none other than DJ Premier. If I didn't have such a constant stiffy (aka BONER) for Dr. Dre, Premo would def be my #1 fav producer ever!!! (All apologies to the RZArector.)
Anyways, enjoy:

Serious Rap Shit - My favorite track, but surprisingly not produced by DJ Premier. Instead, it's his lyrical counterpart from Gang Starr, Guru, who also raps a bit in this one. Don't give up after the first 53 seconds; the beat totally changes in to some real funky gutter shit. (NOTE: I just discovered this, so it may be old news to you, but if you go to "File" then "Get Info" for individual songs, you can choose where you want the song to start on your iTunes. It also transfers to CDs if you set it, so you can cut out any embarassing blowjob sequences that might pop up. Or cut the song out and leave the beej, whatever.)

Supa Star - The above video, hit single, and featured on the GTA IV soundtrack.

Up Against the Wall [Low Budget Mix] - Great Premo beat.

Livin' Proof - Early '90s NYC rap in a nutshell.

Lil' Daps got a solo album coming soon, so look out. Hope you enjoy.

Out like rap ever being like this again.

Widukinds Top Ten Pet Peeves. OF ALL TIME!

I'm a happy person, but some things make me >:(. Tune in soon for my counter list of things that make me <('_'<) ^('_')^ (>'_')>. Also, please add your own.

10) Whenever a baseball crowd boos an opposing pitcher for making a fake pick-off attempt because they think he balked. Either know the game, admit you don't know what constitutes a balk (me), or admit you know nothing. Just don't pretend to know what you're doing.
9) People who pretend to know what they're doing. This really fucks shit up sometimes. Like when I had to fill up one of my boss' cars with gas, and by the time I got to the gas station I realized I had no idea how to open her gas tank. It could also be something like pretending to know how to operate a firearm before blowing your friends face off. This one covers a lot of ground.
8) If someone gets asked to "speak up", and then they just stop talking and restart talking at the same volume.
7) While you're sitting at a computer and someone comes to the cabinet next to you to get some files out and profusely apologizes for annoying you the whole time they're there, when in fact you wouldn't notice their presence in the first place. I'm trying to write a blog post, damnit. (OK seriously this just happened to me again after finishing that paragraph. Also, thank you for reading my "Roadkill Cafe" shirt out loud. I was not aware I was wearing such humorous apparel. I need to do some laundry.)
6) People who invite all of their friends on TheFacebook.com to go see their crappy high school band preform somewhere, or ex-JV lacrosse coaches who invite you to go watch them DJ in New York City.
5) Getting asked to do something for someone, doing it, and then receiving complaints about how you handled going through with the favor. Like when someone gets told to "buy some 40s", and when they come back with the merchandise, a certain special someone throws their head back and goes "ugghhghgnhgnghgngn...I hate OE!"
4) Drivers who do this:

I have a sunroof and they're driving a pink car!!1one1! lulz...

3) Wikipedia haters. Saying one should distrust Wikipedia because "anyone can edit it" is about on par with "don't smoke weed because it makes you lazy" in the world of terrible arguments. I'm sorry, but if I come across an article about a high school in which "Penis McPenistein" is listed among their alumni, I'm pretty sure I can figure out that it's fake (alright, UHS!). Don't be so fucking paranoid and stubborn to adapt to new times. Smoke some weed. Research Hellfire missiles and the FARC and giant squid on Wikipedia. There, I just planned your next date.
2) Asking for help and then totally rejecting the help. The cabinet bandit at my office does this shit, too. One time she complained that her files weren't writing to a CD at home (how am I supposed to help here?), and asked for alternatives. I told her to get a flash drive. She said those were too expensive. I told her to email it to herself. She said that she doesn't want anyone to read it, and she wanted an easy way to store a lot of files. So I told her to get a flash drive, again. Then she said she likes floppy disks and walked away. Thank you cabinet bandit for that titillating conversation.
1) Sideline reporters.

Another good one is when someone gets really upset and you tell them to "relax" or "stop yelling", and they just respond "you relax" or "you're yelling". CoughNamesakeCough...

10 Reasons I'd Root for the Yankees over the Red Sox: A Pictorial

1. Facial Hair


and



vs.



2. Music



vs.



3. Comedy



vs.



4. Fans



vs.



5. Closer



vs.



6. Lovable Loser



vs.



7. Local Females



vs.



8. Crime Figures



and



vs.



9. Local Legend



and



and



and



vs.



and



and



10. Famous Blunder



vs.



Feel free to add your own!!!

Some spare change for our resident vagabond...

I have been severely lacking of ideas of late, but HomelessNigg complaining about his cereal got me to teh YooToobz:



The best part is...I still eat these fucking things. What an unbelievable product. The only reason I ever wanted these when I was little was because of those amazingly stoney commercials, and now I'm still eating these fucking things! Today I was sitting in LensCrafters, in the Financial District, two days after my 20th birthday...and I was eating a bag lunch with Gushers for dessert.
Those clever fuckers over at General Mills got a lifetime customer because of a commercial they made when they were probably stoned out of their mind. Motherfuckers.

Anyone remember Mrs. Mungers class from One Saturday Morning?



I thought it was funny when the two black girls were made super eloquent. But then they showed Gordon.
I swear to god this little series came about when the stoners who made Recess called up the stoners at ABC and were like, "dude we only got 22 minutes", and the stoners at ABC were like "dude. fuck. ok." This is up there with alot of the stuff I've seen on Adult Swim, and those guys make some weird shit.

A Penny (Or Any Other Spare Change) For My Thoughts: Memoirs of a Homeless Black Man

DoucheGuy

...

My friends, in these past few weeks I have found myself mired in a swamp of deep reflection. My thoughts have varied like the tumultuous flight of the butterfly, so I have chosen to write this post in Scott Ostler form, i.e. a buncha lil' bullet points. So here is HomelessNigg's very own version cheap shots, deep thoughts, and bon mots.

• First, a query: Do you think we would still be friends with Abriendo if he regularly coiffed his hair like that? I'm inclined to think no. Unless he brought me a Nihat jersey from Turkey, which he is going to do anyway.
• Speaking of Turkey, kudos to those lads for a great Euro 2008 performance. I don't want to just jump on the "Praise the Turks" bandwagon here like every commentator I've heard, but it is pretty incredible that an already underwhelming team won some incredible games and dominated Germany for large parts of the semi-final when they were missing 7+ regulars. Turkish delight, indeed! I'm excited to see how Nihat, who's been playing brilliantly for Villareal both in real life and in my FIFA '07 franchise (yep, still going strong) will rub off on Jozy Altidore. I just hope, if Jozy is really as good as he seems, the US team doesn't turn into a North American version of Romania - relying pretty much on one dude (Mutu) to score every goal for his side.
• Speaking of Altidore, I really like that guy. I remember seeing an interview of the fella and he just seemed so composed, so genuine. I also learned through Sports Illustrated that he sends over 500 texts a day to his friends. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Can you get carpel tunnel from doing that shit?
• You know what's really been pissing me off lately? Beer commercials. Hey, I appreciate the wonderful people at Coors and truly enjoy what they do, but I don't need a bunch of fucking mountains to turn blue to let me know that my beer is cold. I also despise that little gimmick because it reminds me of one from my childhood that I fell for. I forget the name of the cereal, but I distinctly remember Count Chocula telling me that the instant my milk touched that cereal, little ghosts would fly up in the air and fill the room. Bought the cereal, poured the milk. No fucking ghosts. I was crushed.
• Also, I have a question for the good people at Anheuser-Busch. What the fuck does "superior drinkability" even mean? I would argue that anything with carbonation has inferior drinkability; you can't chug it nearly as well. Whoever thought of that little advertising phrase should investigate the drinkability of a nice hot cup of Hemlock Tea. The Socrates kind, of course.
• I watched a bit of the NBA Draft today. Obviously, I was most interested in the fate of the Lopez twins, and where they ended up was intriguing indeed. One twin falls a bunch of spots on the draft board while the other leaps up it? How does that work? I like both of those guys, but I just can't see them being too great in the NBA. Too skinny, too unathletic. Also, the Disney thing worries me. I just can't see how you can go from singing "Pink Elephants on Parade" from Dumbo in the locker room to having an ultra-aggressive mentality on the court an hour later. "Have You Ever Seen an Elephant Fly" could work, though.
• Finally, back to the world of football. I Tivo'd the Spain v. Russia match and refused to look at my text messages all day yesterday. Unfortunately, as I was passing through Letterman Gym with my 14 lil' kindergarteners in Swimming Camp, my retard of a co-worker came up to me from behind, shook my shoulders, and screamed, "ESPAGNAAA!!" I would have slapped him across the face, but it would have set a bad example for the children. Also, little Kelly pooped herself about 2 minutes later, so I wouldn't have had much time if it had escalated into mortal combat. No joke, it was a "Code Brown" day at Y-Camp.
• My official updated prediction for the Euro 2008 final: Germany overcomes a sluggish start and a piece of magic from Fernando Torres to trump Spain 2-1. Klose and Ballack on the scoresheet for the Germans. Don't forget where ya heard it first.

As you probably could tell, I really had no material for this post, but I just felt like putting something on the ol' blog. Hope y'all enjoyed it. Let's get hammered tomorrow night.

Out like Arshavin from Zenit.

What hiatus? Summer jamz for sunny dayz..

I am in the work force. This mean pretty much nothing considering I have time to do this post while I am in the office, but the down hours during my employment has also yielded one of my newest pass time--the search for international music on the world wide web. Yes, there is plenty of music being made in the US to satisfy my music cravings, but something about the tracks created in the Caribbean and Africa really embodies some of my favorite ideals of the summertime. I just saw a band from Kenya perform, and it was a completely different music experience. One of my favorite websites as of late has been reggae-vibes.com, where I delve into the Top 20 Dancehall and Reggae charts from Kingston. This is the video for the number one reggae track on the island right now, and I thought I would put it up to hold ya'll over until I can get all the links together for the music that will be up by tomorrow... Black Judah ft. Warrior King - Mercy Please



Upcoming highlights include Richie Spice, Half Pint, Extra Golden, and many more...

Quote of the Year?

Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi was asked about acquiring Adam Dunn on his talk show the other day. He said:

Do you know the guy really doesn't like baseball that much? Do you know the guy doesn't have the passion to play the game that much?...We've done our homework on guys like Adam Dunn and there is a reason why we don't want Adam Dunn. I don't want to get into specifics. He is a lifetime .230 to .240 hitter that strikes out a ton and hits home runs.

Dunn, predictably miffed, replied:

I have a lot more important things to worry about than what some windbag GM in Canada says about me...Passion? He can say what he wants about the strikeouts and that I don't fit in their scheme, whatever, but you can't tell me about something you have no idea about. You're not even in the U.S., you're in Canada.

USA, FTW.

Worst Blog Post Ever? (No, not this one. Asshole.)

I probably should have known that reading Curt Schilling's blog would be a bad idea. It was. What an idiot.
I'll keep the summary short; Schilling wrote a blog post a few days ago on his observations of Game 2 of the NBA finals, and ripped into Kobe Bryant for being a bad teammate. Kobe responded by saying "Go Yankees!", and now there's a whole hullabaloo. (Quick note: I feel bad for the NBA. What could have been the best playoffs in a long time simply degraded in to a few boring months dominated by home teams and fake rivalries. Basically, Chris Paul needs to make the Finals in 2009.)
Anyways, before he offered the public his unparalleled knowledge of basketball, Schilling spoke about the recent spat between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis. Here's what he had to say:

Manny vs. Youk, round 1. Trust me, this was a TOTAL non-issue and an event that happens far far more than you ever see or hear about. Many times, most times, events like this play out in clubhouses and no one outside the team ever knows about it. Bottom line is that 99 times out of 100 these are never personal, just like this one...It happens, punches might get thrown, and it ends, and we move on.

Guru Schilling then provides his analysis of Kobe's leadership skills:

Kobe. This one stunned me a little bit. Who doesn’t know Kobe Bryant right? I only know what I have heard, starting awhile back with the entire Shaq debacle... From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy bitch at his teammates. Every TO he came to the bench pissed, and a few of them he went to other guys and yelled about something they weren’t doing, or something they did wrong. No dialog about “hey let’s go, let’s get after it” or whatever. Let me reiterate that this is from a complete basketball newbie, so for all I know this could be exactly how these guys play this game and interact with each other.

Apparently Schilling is also a complete "compiling-an-effective-argument newbie" . These two quotes are so completely contradictory I'm not even sure what to say. I just can't believe it took someone who doesn't know anything about basketball to figure out the reason the Lakers swept the Nuggets, beat the Jazz in 6, and the Spurs in 5 was because they had terrible chemistry. Duh!

This whole post is made even better by the fact that Schilling himself is supposed to be a huge dick. God damnit.

Out like me ever reading Curt Schilling's blog again.

Euro 2008 thoughts (or more appropriately thought)...

Which would you rather:


or...



As I have watched ESPN's coverage of the Euro 2008's this past few days few things have made me happier than ESPN having only British guys announcing the games. Gone are the days of Marcelo Balboa and all the other American has-been's critiquing the best players in the world. To all non-soccer people out there that would be Brian Scalabrine critiquing Michael Jordan. Or to all you non-basketball people out there Sinbad hating on Richard Pryor.

As I listened to Andy Grey (the color commentator on the FIFA video games of my youth) announce today's soccer game, I found myself to be laughing on multiple occasions and I came to a realization. Almost anything said out of the mouth of a Scotsmen sounds kind of funny. Like when in the Portugal game where the keeper came out and the other announcer called it a move of confidence and Grey responded "Confidence? Extravagence I would call it" or in today's game where the other announcer commented that a ball kicked out of bounds was to no one and Grey said "No it wasn't. It was kicked perfectly to that guy in the 7th row".

If British announcers are so funny and good at announcing for soccer would they translate well to other sports? I for one believe they would. British announcers are critical of players, unlike American announcers (watch Chris Berman talk about Brett Favre), and often they let the game speak for itself. I would much rather hear a British dude announce American football, which might be heresy, than hear Joe Buck and Troy Aikman.

Joe Buck: Wow, I can't believe we had to show Randy Moss mooning the crowd.
Troy Aikman: I completly agree with you Joe, because it reminds me of the time I mounted you in a cheap hotel room.


In conclusion: make British announcers announce all Sporting events except for ones involving: Kruk and Kuip, Doc Emrick (he's the guy who does hockey), the guy who does football with the amazing voice, Jon Miller, and Charles Barkley.

Out like reading Bill Simmons.

Widukinds Diary Entry #18

I have perfected my argument for San Francisco Giants fans unabashed support for Barry Bonds during his extensive tenure here in this great city, which comes from a recent revelation I had (definitely not while sitting at work): nobody cheers for shitty players because they happen to be really nice guys. People cheer for great players, and sometimes they conveniently happen to be good guys and good sports. Nobody would have liked Larry Bird if he had sucked. If Larry Bird went out every night bricking free throws, committing dumb fouls, and turning the ball over, would Boston fans cheer for him and still worship him today?
You see, being nice is just icing on the cake. A cake without icing is a brownie. A lot of fucking people like brownies. But nobody likes eating icing. Sure, a scoop or two is nice, and provides you with the opportunity to say "Look, I'm just eating the icing! Lulz..." and to show that you're daring and "going against the grain", but after a while you get sick of it because it's no fun and you just end up looking like an idiot. It's like cheering for Marvin Benard. (I have no idea whether or not he was nice, but he looked kinda friendly, and he did suck.) Everybody else in the country was simply jealous because San Francisco had Barry Bonds, so they had to play on him being an asshole and a liar to use it against us by calling us bad fans. But I can guarantee that none of those people cheered for Marvin Benard. Nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody looked at the Giants in 2000 and said, "You know, Bonds is such a dick, but how 'bout that Benard guy? Wow, is he nice. I'm going to buy his Fathead." People these days make such a big deal when professional athletes are dicks, but nobody cares when a regular dude is nice. People like to rip on Bonds for being a "cheater", an asshole, and a liar. In their eyes, this made San Franciscans (and Bay Areans) bad fans. But until those people can prove that they themselves put personality before stardom in terms of who they root for, those people should shut up. Face it; nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody eats icing.

After fleshing out this argument, I present my indestructible defense of Barry Bonds and us Giants faithful, a list I hope any readers will use in contention of their bigot college friends.
Scenario 1) Some asshole actually tries to bring up the steroids topic in a direct attack on Bonds. This argument is so tired and irrelevant that you might as well take a dump on the person's shoes and just walk away. This tactic is especially effective, because you're essentially saying "You're so low that I deem it worthy to poop on you, but you're so low that I don't even warrant this an appropriate situation in which to expend some significant effort and poop on your face." Everyone did steroids. No one else hit 762. No one else is a member of the 400/400 or 500/500 club. No one else won 7 MVPs. We need to just leave the steroid era behind us, and if that means pretty much forgetting about Barry, then that's a fine compromise with me. Baseball has such an unbelievably bright future right now, and it would be a shame to let the real assholes like Mark Fainaru-Wada and George Mitchell keep ruining it.
Scenario 2) Someone discredits Giant fans intelligence because we continued to support Barry, despite swirling accusations of steroids and the fact that he was a dick. I defended this attack here. If you're too lazy to read that, just do the following: someone says "San Franciscans are all sheep", you say "Lance Armstrong won 7 Tour de Frances in a row, after chemotherapy, amid steroid accusations, and while alot of his competitors eventually got linked to doping. But every American still loves him." There are holes, but it works.
Scenario 3) Someone says Barry was not a team player, rude to the media, and an asshole. Probably all true. But to this you can say "He played his ass off in '02 during the World Series, fuck the media, (and then a condensed version of what I wrote above about Marvin Benard and cake)." I haven't tried it out yet, but it's obviously completely foolproof.

I'm out like Barry Bonds playing again. About a third of me would love to see him come back and DH for someone like the Indians, but two-thirds of me realize it's time to let it go, and that it would feel pretty shitty if he happened to win a World Series not in a Giants uniform.

EDIT: Hungryfortacos has kindly reminded me that "Barry is old news". Despite the fact that I say that already in this post, twice, I would like to clarify that yes, he is old news. But people like to argue, and people like to win arguments even more. This post is fsimply or anyone who gets encountered by a Barry hater, because they will be around. Forever.

Wale: The Mixtape About Nothing

Many of you have already heard Wale's newest drop in my car in the past week. Like his first mixtape 100 Miles and Running that was posted on this blog, this new Seinfeld inspired opus is pure gold. Over this past year, Wale has been on the verge of coming out with some material that is going to push him into superstardom, and this newest work may be what he needed to that final push. After a couple of listens through the entire mixtape you start to realize the things that set Wale apart from a lot of other hip hop acts, such as his lyrics, which touch on issues other than bitches, hoes, and Louis Vuitton (there is a mention of Gucci sneaks, but I will let it slide). Another aspect of his music that makes it so grabbing to me is the different tempos that he utilizes in his music. One of my favorite tracks "The Bmore Club Slam" uses a tempo that I have never really recognized in hip hop, and the song BUMPS. Listen to the whole thing through, and although the first half of the album is usually what is listened to, the best tracks come after track 8 or 9. This should not detract from the first half, which is almost equally as good and has featured artists such as Bun B and Pusha T. Favorite tracks: "The Feature Heavy Song", "The Freestyle", "The Manipulation", "The Artistic Integrity", "The Bmore Club Slam", and "The Hype". Enjoy.

Wale - The Mixtape About Nothing

Let me take a trip down memory lane...

The other day I was writing my last paper before finals while listening to Jay-Z's Reasonable Doubt and texting HungryforTacos. Admittedly, Reasonable Doubt is a new album for me. I've always liked Hov's flow but I never got around to collecting his tracks. But, as I listened early to Shaun Carter, I couldn't help but think of his lifetime rival's first album.

Nas' first album, Illmatic, is hands down my favorite album ever. The album came out two years before Jay-Z's debut and despite their regional similarity (Nas is from Queensbridge and Jay-Z is from Brooklyn) the two rappers have very distinct flows. It is almost disappointing how good the album was given Nas' career. The entire album was recorded when Nas was only 19 yet the content and lyrics are some of the smartest and, astoundingly, some of the most profound I've ever been witness too. Here's one example from "Memory Lane":

Rap divine Gods check the prognosis, is it real or showbiz?
My window faces shootouts, drug overdoses
Live amongst no roses, only the drama, for real
A nickel-plate is my fate, my medicine is the ganja

Or this example from "N.Y. State of Mind":

It drops deep as it does in my breath
I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death
Beyond the walls of intelligence, life is defined
I think of crime when I'm in a New York state of mind

"Beyond the walls of intelligence, life is defined"? From a kid on the streets my age? Nas didn't even finish eighth grade. I'm continually impressed. Maybe that was the problem. This album was real, it was when he was still on the streets, still connected. Since then it just hasn't been the same. Besides the lyrics, though, the beats are unbelievable. Check the base lines in "N.Y. State of Mind." Correction, smoke, then check that base. Sick.

Nas - Illmatic (Full Album)

Highlight tracks for those without much time include "It Ain't Hard to Tell," "Represent," "Memory Lane," and "New York State of Mind," a song I believe may be my favorite song ever.

Now I'm sure the more esteemed rap collectors on this blog have had this album forever and this post may feel repetitive, but when was the last time you listened to an Illmatic track? Been a while I bet. (Watch me be wrong of course.)

I'd also be interested in reading some predictions about the upcoming Euro 2008 Cup from some of the more knowledgeable footy fans here.

Wisdom be leaking out my grapefruit