Widukinds Diary Entry #18
I have perfected my argument for San Francisco Giants fans unabashed support for Barry Bonds during his extensive tenure here in this great city, which comes from a recent revelation I had (definitely not while sitting at work): nobody cheers for shitty players because they happen to be really nice guys. People cheer for great players, and sometimes they conveniently happen to be good guys and good sports. Nobody would have liked Larry Bird if he had sucked. If Larry Bird went out every night bricking free throws, committing dumb fouls, and turning the ball over, would Boston fans cheer for him and still worship him today?
You see, being nice is just icing on the cake. A cake without icing is a brownie. A lot of fucking people like brownies. But nobody likes eating icing. Sure, a scoop or two is nice, and provides you with the opportunity to say "Look, I'm just eating the icing! Lulz..." and to show that you're daring and "going against the grain", but after a while you get sick of it because it's no fun and you just end up looking like an idiot. It's like cheering for Marvin Benard. (I have no idea whether or not he was nice, but he looked kinda friendly, and he did suck.) Everybody else in the country was simply jealous because San Francisco had Barry Bonds, so they had to play on him being an asshole and a liar to use it against us by calling us bad fans. But I can guarantee that none of those people cheered for Marvin Benard. Nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody looked at the Giants in 2000 and said, "You know, Bonds is such a dick, but how 'bout that Benard guy? Wow, is he nice. I'm going to buy his Fathead." People these days make such a big deal when professional athletes are dicks, but nobody cares when a regular dude is nice. People like to rip on Bonds for being a "cheater", an asshole, and a liar. In their eyes, this made San Franciscans (and Bay Areans) bad fans. But until those people can prove that they themselves put personality before stardom in terms of who they root for, those people should shut up. Face it; nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody eats icing.
You see, being nice is just icing on the cake. A cake without icing is a brownie. A lot of fucking people like brownies. But nobody likes eating icing. Sure, a scoop or two is nice, and provides you with the opportunity to say "Look, I'm just eating the icing! Lulz..." and to show that you're daring and "going against the grain", but after a while you get sick of it because it's no fun and you just end up looking like an idiot. It's like cheering for Marvin Benard. (I have no idea whether or not he was nice, but he looked kinda friendly, and he did suck.) Everybody else in the country was simply jealous because San Francisco had Barry Bonds, so they had to play on him being an asshole and a liar to use it against us by calling us bad fans. But I can guarantee that none of those people cheered for Marvin Benard. Nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody looked at the Giants in 2000 and said, "You know, Bonds is such a dick, but how 'bout that Benard guy? Wow, is he nice. I'm going to buy his Fathead." People these days make such a big deal when professional athletes are dicks, but nobody cares when a regular dude is nice. People like to rip on Bonds for being a "cheater", an asshole, and a liar. In their eyes, this made San Franciscans (and Bay Areans) bad fans. But until those people can prove that they themselves put personality before stardom in terms of who they root for, those people should shut up. Face it; nobody cares about Marvin Benard. Nobody eats icing.
After fleshing out this argument, I present my indestructible defense of Barry Bonds and us Giants faithful, a list I hope any readers will use in contention of their bigot college friends.
Scenario 1) Some asshole actually tries to bring up the steroids topic in a direct attack on Bonds. This argument is so tired and irrelevant that you might as well take a dump on the person's shoes and just walk away. This tactic is especially effective, because you're essentially saying "You're so low that I deem it worthy to poop on you, but you're so low that I don't even warrant this an appropriate situation in which to expend some significant effort and poop on your face." Everyone did steroids. No one else hit 762. No one else is a member of the 400/400 or 500/500 club. No one else won 7 MVPs. We need to just leave the steroid era behind us, and if that means pretty much forgetting about Barry, then that's a fine compromise with me. Baseball has such an unbelievably bright future right now, and it would be a shame to let the real assholes like Mark Fainaru-Wada and George Mitchell keep ruining it.
Scenario 2) Someone discredits Giant fans intelligence because we continued to support Barry, despite swirling accusations of steroids and the fact that he was a dick. I defended this attack here. If you're too lazy to read that, just do the following: someone says "San Franciscans are all sheep", you say "Lance Armstrong won 7 Tour de Frances in a row, after chemotherapy, amid steroid accusations, and while alot of his competitors eventually got linked to doping. But every American still loves him." There are holes, but it works.
Scenario 3) Someone says Barry was not a team player, rude to the media, and an asshole. Probably all true. But to this you can say "He played his ass off in '02 during the World Series, fuck the media, (and then a condensed version of what I wrote above about Marvin Benard and cake)." I haven't tried it out yet, but it's obviously completely foolproof.
Scenario 1) Some asshole actually tries to bring up the steroids topic in a direct attack on Bonds. This argument is so tired and irrelevant that you might as well take a dump on the person's shoes and just walk away. This tactic is especially effective, because you're essentially saying "You're so low that I deem it worthy to poop on you, but you're so low that I don't even warrant this an appropriate situation in which to expend some significant effort and poop on your face." Everyone did steroids. No one else hit 762. No one else is a member of the 400/400 or 500/500 club. No one else won 7 MVPs. We need to just leave the steroid era behind us, and if that means pretty much forgetting about Barry, then that's a fine compromise with me. Baseball has such an unbelievably bright future right now, and it would be a shame to let the real assholes like Mark Fainaru-Wada and George Mitchell keep ruining it.
Scenario 2) Someone discredits Giant fans intelligence because we continued to support Barry, despite swirling accusations of steroids and the fact that he was a dick. I defended this attack here. If you're too lazy to read that, just do the following: someone says "San Franciscans are all sheep", you say "Lance Armstrong won 7 Tour de Frances in a row, after chemotherapy, amid steroid accusations, and while alot of his competitors eventually got linked to doping. But every American still loves him." There are holes, but it works.
Scenario 3) Someone says Barry was not a team player, rude to the media, and an asshole. Probably all true. But to this you can say "He played his ass off in '02 during the World Series, fuck the media, (and then a condensed version of what I wrote above about Marvin Benard and cake)." I haven't tried it out yet, but it's obviously completely foolproof.
I'm out like Barry Bonds playing again. About a third of me would love to see him come back and DH for someone like the Indians, but two-thirds of me realize it's time to let it go, and that it would feel pretty shitty if he happened to win a World Series not in a Giants uniform.
EDIT: Hungryfortacos has kindly reminded me that "Barry is old news". Despite the fact that I say that already in this post, twice, I would like to clarify that yes, he is old news. But people like to argue, and people like to win arguments even more. This post is fsimply or anyone who gets encountered by a Barry hater, because they will be around. Forever.
