Widukinds Diary Entry #27

My dearest friends, it has been far, far too long. Now, now, let’s not get all huffy about it, and cut right to the chase.

Topic 1) I’m pretty sure that my invention of heated closets is probably about as good as it’s going to get. But, I really like this one: hot-tubs with massage chairs built in. I really don’t see why this would be so hard, or how it would not be absolutely awesome. If this was Imaginationland, I would propose the real cash-cow: build a hot-tub…with a massage chair…that sits in a hammock. I’m still working on the general physics to that one, so we’ll stick with the first idea for now. I’m really starting to put together my future house. So far I’ve got three absolute musts: heated closets, a hot-tub with massage chair, and a kebab grill machine locked and loaded 24/7 in the kitchen.

Topic 2) In my last post, I mentioned my quest to answer the age-old question, “what does the Pope do all day?”. Well, I haven’t gotten it answered, but I kinda forgot about it, too, so I’ll keep working on that. However, a burning set of questions that I have been able to answer are: “What kind of porn do Italians watch? Is there Italian porn? Or do they simply kick back with some of the magnificent cinematic triumphs of lovely San Fernando Valley, imbuing the unparalleled talent that constantly oozes from the area like lava from Mount Vesuvius, snaking its way down the slope, inflicting slow, painful and slightly erotic death?” Still with me? Good.

The answer (actually, the second one remains unknown) was provided to me by a friendly Italian student who works with our program named Vincenzo. Vincenzo is a funny guy. He looks like a Trekkie. The back of his head is extremely flat. While we were in Naples and a few of us were commenting on how much of a shit-hole the city was, Vincenzo said “They [Neopolitans] are all fucking savages” and, later asked when confronted with an exorbitantly priced cannoli: “Why don’t they [Neopolitans] all fucking die?” Quite a quotable character. But, on with the story. We were down in Naples and the Amalfi Coast on a school trip, of which 4 students were guys and about 20 were girls. Vincenzo was telling us how at one point on one of our lengthy bus rides, he had fallen asleep, and subsequently woken up surrounded by a plethora of beautiful American bzs. As he said to us, his first thought was, “Did I just wake up in a Bang Bros film?”

Question, answered.

Next in line: “Skype Sex…where do you point the camera?”

Topic 3) Lighting would fuck me up if I was some sort of tribal dude prancing around in a loincloth. Lightning and thunder. What would you think if you had absolutely no understanding of what lightning and thunder could possibly be? When you think about it, it makes perfect sense that mankind’s first reaction was “someone up there is fucking pissed.”

Topic 4) See above, but replace “lightning and thunder” with “volcano” and “up there” with “down there”.

Topic 5) I flew to Munich for Oktoberfest with four other kids from my program here. Of us 4, 3 had big things of contact solution, yet only 1 of us got stopped at security. On the way back, the people at Swiss Air noticed, but reminded me jovially, to “bring a smaller one next time!” On my way to Sicily this weekend, no one noticed. Today on my way back, they had me throw it out.

Europeans, stopping maniacal, explosive-jelly-wielding-21-year-old-exchange-student terrorists, one-third of the time!

Out like my ideas for this line right now.