Fantasy Football Draft Review 2009

Note: Team names have been omitted due to lawsuit potential

Ho-Train

So “Fuck Tom Brady” ends up drafting Tom Brady. Real clever. Irony or not, you’re going to need Pretty Boy to pull another 2007 from his Gisele-punished ass for your team to stay afloat. Between Boldin, Evans, and Santana Row (I’ve never been there but I bet that place sucks), your WR corps are actually pretty good, though I’m not the biggest Moss-lite fan (look at me with the nicknames today!). I’m also not the biggest Turner fan, as I really see no way he repeats his 2008 campaign, and the number of carries is a worry. However, Atlanta looks to be a run-first squad again so he should be solid. Sproles as your #2 RB hurts, and besides Gates at TE, the bottom half of your squad is really weak. You probably won’t need him, but Delhomme’s shit pile of a playoff game last year seems like one of those career-altering days. Just awful.

Me

What a team, what a team. I believe it was RJ who said in a huff something along the lines of “you always say your team is good”. Well, you dip tacos in ketchup, so I don’t have to listen to you. I see my WR as the weak point; they’re thin, and Lance Moore is already hurting. However, Larry Fitzgerald is the best player in football, and Anthony Gonzalez is the #2 WR for some dude who’s a little OK at throwing the football. Like taking a risk on A-Rod, I took a risk on Marshawn, but with Knowshon, Rice, and Donald Brown I think I’m pretty well covered. While they’re all involved in committees, all three seem to have the upper hand against their mostly underwhelming competition. Aaron Rodgers will have a big season barring injury, and Slaton is The Man on Houston’s emerging offensive machine (playoffs in 09). I’m hella good at this shit.

Claykwon the Chef

As expected, a solid team. Injury and Mike Vick aside, you can be sure Philly will throw, throw, throw, which makes McNabb a solid QB to take late. Roddy White in the 2^nd seemed a bit early, but pairing him with Wayne is a great 1-2 punch. I like MJD a lot, but I’m not sold on Stewart, Beanie, or Benson. The first two are hurt, Wells is having trouble holding off Tim Hightower (not a good sign), and even though he’s the only option in Cincy, Benson sucks and is severely injury prone. Stewart’s main downside is the injury, so if he gets over it he should produce very well, maybe even more than DeAngelo Williams. I don’t think Nate Washington will be very valuable at all, though I like Meachem’s upside. Why you took Trent Edwards as your #2 QB over someone like Matt Hasselbeck is bizarre. A McNabb injury could hurt. You certainly took some risks in this draft, but if you want to win that’s what you gotta do.

Dumbo

An interesting trend has seemingly taken over fantasy this year; the emergence of committee backfields has really affected how RB corps are being formed, and your team is no different. I don’t like Fast Willie Parker very much as a #2, but you have to believe someone from among Bradshaw, Johnson and McCoy will prove valuable. Who it is I have no clue, though McCoy has the highest upside, in my opinion. Another trend that continues with your team is the thinning availability of back-up wide receivers. Hixon and Camarillo do nothing to excite me, and given that Donald Driver is going to have to slow down some day, that could be an issue. Also, as I have stated I do not share your infatuation for Cutler. I think he should make the Bears better, but in terms of a fantasy option I’m not too psyched on his possibilities.

John Bearcub of the Shoshone

The computer really fucked you, though I’m wagering that Tim’s dick is bigger than a USB chord, so it couldn’t have hurt that much. Zing! I have no idea why it drafted you three kickers, and Jamal Lewis, Le’Ron McClain, and Willis McGahee are just terrible back-up RBs. However, with Gore, Thomas, and Fleet-Footed Felix, you should be fine. As with your RBs, I like your starting WRs a lot, but I don’t see any of your back-ups being valuable whatsoever. And of course, your QB is pretty OK at throwing the football. Besides the lack of a TE, your starting lineup is nice. But injuries could send your team the way of Yahoo! Autopick’s USB chord and Tim’s dick; straight in to the shit-hole. Given your amazing abilities to make numerous moves of little to no consequence, I can’t be too confident you’ll be bringing a trophy back to the rez.

RLame (lol)

Your team’s pretty OK. I like how right after I talked about how I was debating between picking Knowshon Moreno and Fred Jackson, you pick Fred Jackson. Way to keep the streak alive! I like Calvin Johnson and it’s scary to think what this guy could do with a real quarterback. But he doesn’t have one. But it doesn’t matter. Kevin Walter is the second receiving option on the playoff-bound Texans (driving my point home here), but I hate Jerricho Cotchery. I think it’s because he’s got such a great first name and such a terrible last name. That’s like your name except without the great fist name. I love your second CJ, and McFadden should produce in Cokeland. Ward I’m kinda “meh” on, but he should produce. I don’t like any of your back-up WRs either; it may sound sacrilege, but I seem to be the only Niner fan leery of Josh Morgan’s sudden rise to “#1” receiver.

Jacques Cousbro

Your team has about as much upside as any of your lady “prospects” for the last…six years. Zing! The only guy who could really step up is Schaub. If he puts together a full 16 games for the playoff-bound Texans his numbers could be great. Check out the 2009 Wild Card Texans’ ridiculous cheerleader profiles. That’s dedication. And pervy. If I was 13 I’d probably JO to those. What? Moving on...Portis was damn productive last year, but I don’t see it happening again, at least to that extent. Ladell Betts should make some noise in the Redskins backfield this season. Barber once again has Felix Jones to share carries with, and Bush and Graham don’t seem to have much upside. Maroney is just garbage. I actually think Braylon Edwards could be good this year, for whatever reason, and Colston is the man. But Coles is old and Maclin will not produce. I also don’t like Chad Pennington as a back-up. I think his numbers could drop significantly this season. The Dolphins are gonna suck. Just because I said so.

Judah Maccabi Goldensteinberg

Eli Manning is your quarterback. That would be like some egregiously retarded idiot choosing Bengie Molina to bat cleanup for an entire season. It’s not going to work. Even worse is Joe Flacco as a back-up; that’s like if some terribly mentally deficient vegetable blinked twice to say “yes” when his assistant asked if he wanted to start Edgar Renteria for a whole season at shortstop. It’s also not going to work. Ugh. Your receivers are good, though I’m not as high on Whosyomomma this season. I think he’ll produce, but he’s getting old. People keep waiting for Vincent Jackson to really break out, but I don’t think he’ll ever be that much better than last season (which is still very good). Forte is good and the addition of Cutlers arm should keep defenses honest; I like him to back-up his huge rookie season with another excellent campaign. Grant is the guy in Green Bay, but I can’t feel too good about him and Julius Jones being your #2 and #3 RBs. A lot of people like Shonn Greene’s chances, as do I. I also think Dustin Keller will outperform Kellen Winslow.

Kremdawg aka the poster child for the Pale Jews With Jungle Fever Fund (of which I am a proud member!)

I like your receivers a lot; in fact, I think they’re the best in the league, considering you have four capable starters. I’m not as high on Bowe or Marshall, but I still think they’ll be very good. However, your running backs give huge cause for concern. If he could stay healthy Brian Westbrook would be considered one of the best overall players of the past decade, but he can’t. Considering you have Joseph Addai and Sammy Morris as your other two backs…well I don’t even need some wacky metaphor for this; that really, really sucks. I like Carson Palmer this year, but in order to really compete you’re going to need to pray for an Adrian Peterson injury and Chester Taylor taking control of the Minny backfield. Other than that, well…you’re fucked.

Max+B

If your team and Kremer’s team made like you and Kremer in real life and made sweet, sweet, love and produced a child, it would be an unstoppable fantasy force. Tony Romo No Homo will again put up big numbers in big D, and Tony Gonzalez has one more stellar year in him. No way DeAngelo Williams puts up the monstrosity that was his second half last year again, but the Panthers should run and run some more yet again. I’m actually one of the LT supporters this season; Turner likes to run, and he’s simply one of the best running backs in NFL history. A Shaun Alexander-esque plunge would startle me, and having him as your #2 is a luxury. Additionally, Kevin Smith, playing for the 6-win 2009 Lions at the flex spot provides even more insurance. However, your receivers are abysmal. No way Antonio Bryant repeats, Holt is aging and in a run-first scheme, and Michael Jenkins just shouldn’t be starting for anyone’s fantasy team. The absence of a receiving corps will sink your team.

Heshen

Remember when you left the beautiful McCloud River, its copious amounts of trout and ridiculously powerful weaponry a day early so you could go home and see your girlfriend with whom you had spent the entire summer already? Remember that? Yeah, that sucked. Your team is pretty ok though; Brees is a monster, as is Steven Jackson. I don’t like Thomas Jones too much and LenDale White won’t score 15 touchdowns again, but they’re both decent options. What really boggles my mind is that all three Patriots running backs got drafted. WTF? Your receivers are solid if unspectacular. Barring injury I see TOs worst season total numbers to date, though he should still produce well. I still think Santonio Holmes’ stock is a bit inflated post-Superbowl catch, but he should improve on last years numbers. Like everyone else I can’t wait to see what the Eagles do with Michael Vick; could he be the first multi-position player in fantasy football? Or will Chad Ochocinco beat him to it? How exciting!

Aaachiebubby

Not sure how you did it, but you came out of the draft with a pretty danged good team. Roethlisberger’s 2007 seems like it’s more of an aberration than the norm for him, but he’s a nice backup option to the elder statesmen Kurt “Thank you Jesus!” Warner. Ronnie Brown disappeared in the second half last season, and despite Ricky Williams’ presence they’ve said they want to make sure he gets the rock often. The Williams pick in itself was a bit early, but you did a good job to handcuff the brittle Brown and also were able to compensate for it by grabbing Mendenhall late. Your receivers are solid as well; Jennings will put up big numbers again and a motivated Ochocinco will do his best to make people forget about last season. Dallas Clark is always a steady producer. I don’t see Mason and Henderson being particularly valuable, but as we’ve seen this seems to be the trend for most back-up WR options this season, at least at the outset.

Post Draft Rankings (I’m not really sure how I decided on these. Literally, I don’t have any idea other than putting myself first for obvious reasons, Archie second, and Clay third.):

1. Me

2. Archie

3. Clay

4. Harrison

5. Alex

6. Mark

7. Ilan

8. Max

9. RJ

10. Ho-Train

11. John

12. Kremer

End of season prediction:

1. Me

2. Clay

3. Mark

4. Alex

5. Archie

6. Harrison

7. Max

8. Ilan

9. Ho-Train

10. RJ

11. John

12. Kremer (there’s no internet in Africa)

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