Widukind's Top Ten Most Bad-Ass Characters Of FOREVER

Jiggly Puff will FUCK you up

This list started many moons ago while I was lying in bed trying to list the “Top Ten Best Characters Ever”, but when I found myself seriously considering Lúrtz, I knew I had to reevaluate my criteria. The Artist Formerly Known As Hungryfortacos' list clearly inspired me to finish this one but unlike his, this list covers all mediums. Media. Mediae...aso;djfipadnssdfjn. Unfortunately there are repeats, but what can you do. I tried be somewhat original so some members of the Honorable Mention category may seem more worthy, but I wrote this whole thing, so go fuck yourself. Please feel free to suggest additions, and/or amendments.

10. Lúrtz (Lord of the Rings)

Well, I mean…duh.

9. The Genie (Aladdin)

I like this movie. Say what you want about a Disney character making this list, but he could probably fuck up anybody on here if he was asked to. Which is exactly why he just sneaks in at #9…he can’t do anything unless he’s told to, and when he’s let out of the lamp his powers reduce greatly. Freedom isn’t free!!!

8. Okonkwo (Things Fall Apart)

(Artist's Rendition)

Anyone who can be so driven to dominate a society by having to grow a shit-load of yams earns a high grade in my book. Also, cutting down your own adopted son in the jungle with a machete=maybe kinda bad-ass. He also tries to kill his wife when she fucks up a meal or something. The only knock against Okonkwo is that he hangs himself at the end, a drastic deviation from his cultural norms, but it really just makes him all the more badass because he would rather die than conform to Whitey.

7. Magneto (Hella X-Men shit)

Far and away the greatest superhero ever (that’s right, hero. Deal with it. The dude’s family was slaughtered in a concentration camp! All he wants is for the same thing not to happen to mutants.) He can control bullets. He can make floaty-disks out of the iron in your blood. He pulls off purple hella well. If you’re not down with Magneto, you’re a Nazi.

6. Gandalf (Hella Lord of the Rings shit)

Potential child-molesting tendencies aside, this old fart managed to directly or indirectly take down Sauron, Sarumon, Durin’s Bane, the Nazgul, and the entire Uruk-Hai/Cave Troll/Orc army at Helm’s Deep. That’s a top-ten Badass list in the making right there. Not to mention he’s like 800-years old when all that goes down. I’m not trying to fux with a Balrog with my wrinkled-ass balls flapping everywhere…are you?

5. Predator (Predator, Predator 2, AvP, AvP 2)

Predator is fucking awesome.

4. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)

Commander of the armies of the North. Leader of the Felix Legion. Servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next. (When I wrote this off the top of my head, I had “Phoenix” instead of “Felix” and “shall” instead of “will”. I’ve watched this movie almost as much as the Namesake with “One Night in Paris”. Zing!)

3. Hanuman (Bhagavad Gita and some other Hindu shit)

HEYO major sleeper pick!!!! Judaism produced a guy that could part water, Christianity a guy who can resurrect himself, Buddhism some dude who didn’t eat for hella long, and Islam a bunch of bearded assholes, but Hinduism brought us a bad-ass monkey-god who can walk across oceans and pick up whole mountains and grow to any size he wants and take on whole armies by himself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner (none for you, Buddha).

2. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Argue with this pick and I’ll diarrhea into a syringe and inject it straight into your right ventricle.

1. Omar (The Wire)

I tried being creative here, but this choice is simply unavoidable. What really seals the deal for Omar is that despite two major qualities that would seem un-bad-assly (being a homothapien and MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting popped by a little kid), no Wire fan would ever, ever argue against his bad-assitudlyness.

Honorable Mention:

Grampa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Al Swearengen (Much love, Hartichoke)

Kaiser Soze (Looks too much like a bitch)

Agent Smith (Fuck Neo)

Michael Corleone (Too obvious)

Tony Soprano (Too obvious)

General Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game"

Jules Winnfield (Too obvious)

Farva (Not tough enough)

Reggie Hammond (Tough to leave him off)

Lu Bu (Well, I mean...duh)

T-1000 (He turns into silver stuff)

The Killer Rabbit ("Look at the bones!")