Coming this summer!!!

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Everybody freak out!!!

...meanwhile, 300,000+ people in Botswana, a country of 2 million, have HIV/AIDS.

Widukind Diary Entry #22

And now for something completely different...

Topic 1) I just came across this. This guy needs to fucking die. I'm cereal. Last month this guy drove around town blaring from loudspeakers "Get the fuck out of here there's a fucking fat earthquake coming!" or however you say that in Italian, which I wouldn't know because my Italian syllabus is more retarded than Skip Bayless. The article says that "Giuliani gave an interview as recently as March 24 in which he repeated his claims," but that they just called him "an imbecile". March 24th was two fucking weeks ago, dude. I realize that what happened in Italy is tragic and that, okay, maybe you kinda knew something was up, but to go out and demand an official apology FOR YOURFUCKINGSELF when 150+ people are dead, 1,500+ are injured, and 30,000+ are left homeless is the most imbecilic thing possible in this situation. If this fucking douchebag-majoris cared so much about what was going on he'd be out in the rubble helping the DYING PEOPLE rather than sitting around like a fucking pansy whining about the warnings he gave a month ago. And don't tell me to get off my high horse and do something about it, because I'm hella far away and my cardio isn't so good right now so I'm not sure how much rubble I could move anyways.
Topic 2) Beer companies need to cut the bullshit. Stop trying to convince me that your beer is something other than a watered-down American piece of shit. I don't give a shit that you add barley three different times in the brewing process, Miller Lite douchebag. It's still Miller fucking Light. These companies don't even know what they're doing half the time. Bud Light's "Drinkability" campaign is so ridiculously ambiguous it makes me want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face (twice, actually, because I already want to take a dump on Skip Bayless' face). Their newest commercial has a dude explaining "Drinkability" and then drawing a wave with those white lines on the screen like in a football game, and then the wave comes and splashes everyone! LOLZ! Who thought of that sweet joke...RJ? This commercial has nothing to do with beer, which isn't the real issue. The real issue is that it's not funny and has no large breasts, so what is it doing on my television?
Topic 3) This is kinda old, but people who complain like the above Italian dude every time Facebook changes need to shut up or get implanted rectally with a large stick. I'm sorry that it will be momentarily harder for your friends to find the pictures you put up of yourself pregaming in your dorm room. You=small, internet=big. If you can't deal with someone changing your Facebook, what are you going to do when your landlord shuts off your heating because you're obviously such a complete moron and you don't know how to pay bills? N00b.

Out like Plaxico, in like (unofficial) Tim Lincecum Day.

Fantasy Baseball Draft Review 2009

My team gets me harder than this photo.

Well this took forever. As usual, I stand 100% behind all predictions, no matter how stupid I look come years end. Onward and upward!

Eliza’s Spicy Balls – Kremdawg

As usual you have compiled a solid team with the draft. I like your first four rounds with Hanley, Berkman, Manny, and McCann, but rounds 5-14 I don’t like so much. Those rounds are key to building a championship team. Oswalt and Beckett are steady, but Ludwick, Dempster, Mark Reynolds, Mike Aviles, Ricky Nolasco, and Brian Wilson are a little underwhelming for the middle rounds. Nolasco could be a total stud, though, so I kinda take that back. However, you picked up the effort late with Mike Gonzalez/Brandon Morrow, as well as the vastly underrated Ted Lilly. A lot of people like Shin-Shoo Choo as well this season. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. That’s what he looks like. Good team, but not enough guys on offense that have to potential to have a significant impact.

Best Pick: Lilly. ~15 wins with close to 200 Ks with a steady ERA and WHIP at 217 overall. That’s almost 100 picks after Lowe, who is only slightly better, if at all.

Worst Pick: Mike Aviles. He had a nice season last year, but why take him in the 11^th when someone like Joakim Soria is there who would have helped your weak RP situation greatly, or Howie Kendrick who went a round later?

Queef Monster- The-one-who-likes-cylinders-in-his-sphincter

Your team name blows. What’s with you and queefs? You must be around them a lot….hmm. I’m really not that into your team right now. Your infield is solid, but where is your power going to come from? Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed for “some reason”. I like Granderson, Milledge, and Upton as players, but as your top 3 outfielders there’s cause for concern. CC and Shields are nice, but Greinke. Wow. Let’s talk about this, everyone. Day before the draft, RJ asks, “who are your sleepers, oh fantasy genius and general really awesome dude?” and I say “well, I like Zack Greinke” and RJ’s all like, “eh, he’s ok. I like Ross from Friday Night Lights a lot more though!!! LOL!!!” What a homo. Despite said conversation, he takes Greinke in the 9^th round, ahead of where he’s going in most drafts, as if he were some sort of “sleeper”. Wow RJ. You suck at life.

Best Pick: I like Baker and Slowey, especially where you got them. But getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71^st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.

Worst Pick: I don’t really like the Chipper pick. Guys like Magglio Ordonez and Jermaine Dye went later in the round and could have given your team some needed power at the OF spot. Also the Greinke pick. Wow. Oh and I said I liked Milledge, too. Wow. DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN? CAPITALS MEAN THIS IS SERIOUS, RJ! I DON’T THINK HALF YOUR BRAIN EXISTS...HOLY SHIT.

A Big Poo Poo Train – Dumbo

A finalist for best name year-in, year-out. Unfortunately this review won’t be nearly as scintillating as last year’s lambasting of your personal psychosis since you weren’t at the draft and weren’t able to totally blow it. Rounds 2-6 returned you little value. Phillips is versatile, but suffered big drops in production last year after 07’s breakout. Vlad is on a depressing downslide because he’s so awesome, and Rios and Hart are pretty much the same player. Carlos Guillen is simply shit-on-my-face bad, and as your only option at 1^st I’d get out the baby wipes. Because, you know, he’s going to shit on your face because he’s so bad. The pitching is one big injury risk; pretty much everyone there spent significant time on the DL last season, and the guy who had the most innings is missing the first half of the season (Sheets). I like the potential of this group though, so it’s not all bad.

Best Pick: Hard because of the autopick, so…Michael Bourn. Obviously.

Worst Pick: Ben Sheets. At 142? Ouch. I don’t even think this guy’s on a team right now, which is too bad because I like him a lot.

Tomahawkcock – Juanfeesh

You say you think Archie has the best name, which I believe to be true, but don’t sell yourself short. Somehow it works, and influenced me to steal the rhyme theme. Your lineup has some big time fantasy contributors at the top with Reyes, Quentin, Holliday, Martin, and Gonzalez. Haters are hating Gonzalez for whatever reason, but the dude is just solid. However, the drop-off after that is significant. Ethier is nice, but Mora should regress, Teahen is just bleh, and Garret Anderson had to ask for special Depends-fitted pants before the season started. It’s true. Your pitching is not any better, although I approach with caution remembering I ripped into yours last year and I’m pretty sure it turned out damn good. Volquez just threw so many innings last season, Burnett is making the dreaded “good-but-kinda-overrated pitcher switch to the Yankees”, and Carmona was a bust last season. However, I commend you for sticking to your hometown talents in Cahill and Anderson. They are nice!

Best Pick: You grabbed Quentin earlier than he’s going in most drafts, but I think he’ll be just fine this season, so well done. However, a surprisingly astute pick in St. Louis’ potential closer Jason Motte wins it this time.

Worst Pick: Burnett. I don’t know why, but the injuries earlier in his career paired with the move to New York has me pooping my pantaloons (see: Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, etc.).

My penis dresses up – Heshen Baby

Any time a team appears with the word “penis” and without capitalization I know who it is. Good for you Hesh. You grabbed the “wow that was retarded” prize selecting Youkilis at 20^th overall. Your explanation (“I don’t know baseball”) was disappointing. But, never to disappoint just once in a single draft, you racked up two “WTWR” awards in consecutive picks taking Aubrey fucking Huff with your next. Jesus. Your offense is just terrible. You drafted AJ Pierzynski. You should die. Your pitching is probably worse than your offense, considering Duchshsfdsfchchser is hurt and Huston Street is your only reliever. Saying this is probably going to bite me in the ass later when Joba Chamberlain wins the Cy Young and Xavier Nady hits 50 homeruns, but…there is now a level zero.

Best Pick: Uh…I think Bedard could be nice this year, but I gotta go with Pablo “Best Player of the Century” Sandoval. Dude just rakes.

Worst Pick: AJ Pierzysnki. Seriously, this beats your two “WTWR” awards. Not really. But. Actually, really.

Salad Tossers – Clayton Canielsen

At least this year you balanced your “MY TEM IS TEH BEST CHAMPIUNSIHP OO YAA!” quotes with “My team sucks” quotes. Your offense is pretty good, actually. Accidentally picking Alex Gordon sucks, but if you slide Cabrera to 3^rd and Delgado to 1^st, that’s still a solid infield. Jose Lopez put up way better numbers than I thought last year. It will suck when Milton gets hurt, but your outfield is good, too. Lincecum, Harden, and Dice-K ( <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>‘_’)>: that’s what he looks like…in REAL LIFE!) are a good top three. Just hope they stay healthy, because the rest of your pitching sucks. Ass. Ziegler is a good pick though, as Devine looks like he could be hurt…God, that was surprisingly painless. Well done, Clay. Or, maybe poorly done, because for the first time you officially failed to make me want to shoot myself watching you draft.

Best Pick: I really like Miguel Cabrera this year and was counting on you taking someone retarded so he would fall to me, but you didn’t. However, I like Milton Bradley the most.
Dark chocolate; MLB could use more of it.

Worst Pick: Saying Alex Gordon would be unfair, but it did fuck you in the anoos (RJs toy cylinder has been known to sneak around). However, I have to give this to K-Rod. He sucks. He always lets runners on. His velocity has been going down steadily. Last year was just weird. He just blows.

A-Fraud poos needles – Zmath

Give up on the steroids jokes Zmoney, its old news. Pretty solid team here…Red Sox dick-sucking notwithstanding (to be fair you only drafted three, but still. RED SOX SUX MY COX). I like VMart to rebound from injury, as well as Big Papi. He could be back with a vengeance this season. Still waiting for Ryan Zimmerman to put it all together, and Furcal and Matsui present some injury risk, but I like the balance on offense. Swisher is another nice rebound candidate that you snagged late at no risk. Interesting approach on pitching, for sure. Two starters drafted? I’m all for laying off pitching during the draft, but you may have put yourself in a big hole there. Papelbon/Lidge/Broxton is a nasty hydra-saves-machine. But fuck Papelbon. ROIDS.

Best Pick: Big Papi at 55 has to win it here. You got a bunch of nice value late, but this guy remains an elite talent who just had an unfortunate injury last season.

Worst Pick: Papelbon at 66. Just ludicrous. Fuck closers. Fuck Papelbon. Fuck Boston. You shoulda picked Mike Matthay here…Fantasy camp! Fantasy camp!

Poo-Taste Fart Tart – King Solomon…(me, in layman’s terms)

My offense is fucking great with the potential of being absolutely devastating. Even without Wieters and A-Rod in my start-of-the-season lineup, it’s damn strong top to bottom. That being said, I am absolutely aware of the risk I have placed on myself heading into the season. Two players who aren’t playing off the bat; Wieters in AAA, at whom all signs point to being a total star, and A-Rod, coming off injury. However, for every Evan Longoria and Tim Lincecum there is an Alex Gordon and Homer Bailey, so my expectations for Wieters remain reserved. A-Rod, well, he’s A-Rod, and I think he’ll be just fine. My pitching is solid, considering I waited until the 10^th round to take a starter. I like my comeback candidates in Harang and Carpenter, and have a few nice relievers on my squad as well. Pitching is always easier to find than hitting over the course of the season, and I trust my Jesus-esque waiver wire abilities to come through.

Best Pick: I like Matt Kemp a lot, but since I ripped into RJ for taking him so early last year I will refrain. I’ll go with my two late picks of potentially stat-stuffing closers, Kevin Gregg and Trevor Hoffman (hopefully healthy soon).

Worst Pick: Wieters. His value is certainly higher than where I got him at 104, but RJ correctly called me out as my clock ticked by saying I was “choking”. He’s an uber talent, but with the Arod pick earlier I really don’t need two guys sitting on my bench who aren’t playing.

Jayne Appel-Bottom (what the hell does that even mean?) - Lani Baxter

I don’t think your team is any good. Your infield is pretty nondescript; Cantu has hit 28+ homers twice, but I don’t see it happening again. I don’t like Ryan Theriot or Casey Blake just because I don’t like them. Your OF/UT spots make up for it a bit, but Pena’s production dipped sharply after his breakout in 07 and from Maybin down your bench is unproven with a bunch of guys who are fighting for playing time. Your pitching is incredibly thin, with Santana already hurt, big question marks in Verlander, Cueto, and Hughes, and only one reliever. This team just makes me want to…sit here. Excitement on the Appel-Bottom front is lacking in 2009.

Best Pick: Carl Crawford could be a nice bet at 33^rd overall if he’s hopefully healthy. Maybin is a nice value at 208. Maybin is a weird name. Maybin. Maybin. Maybin. Huh…

Worst Pick: I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.

Mr. Hands’ Team – Nastydogg/HomelessNigg/I boinked your sister

Despite the trash-talking, you are certainly one of this crowd’s fantasy elite. I swear you happen to stumble upon at least 2 or 3 out-of-nowhere studs every year, though I don’t have evidence to back it up because I’m too lazy to try and find any. Your team is solid. The infield is very good, though I expect a drop from Ramirez, but an uptick in production from Rollins. You have nice balance in the outfield with McLouth/Abreu/Cruz/Young, all guys who could provide solid power/speed numbers. However, I don’t see any real studs in that group. Some hunks, sure, but no studs. Yes homo. I like your pitching as well; you snagged a few guys I was targeting (Lindstrom, Garza, Jimenez), and paired them at the top with the rock-solid Brandon Webb and last year’s Esteban Loaiza, Cliff Lee. I have no idea what he’s going to do this year, so I won’t even try.

Best Pick: I really like Matt Garza for whatever reason. I think he could put together a very solid season, with good stats at every starter category. Adam Jones at 202 could be good value, as well as Beltre (who I also wanted) at 183.

Worst Pick: Alexei Ramirez at 58. Call me a Negative Nancy, but I’m just not buying it. His power increased in the second half last year but his average fell precipitously (that means a lot).

Blow My Meat Whistle – Caribou-herder

Trevor, I’m glad you found a time-slot in between caribou-milking sessions to join us for the draft. (These caribou jokes aren’t going to stop, by the way.) Your offense is very strong. Tejada is kinda done, but Howard, Utley, Ramirez are a good top three and you complement them well in the OF and UT spots. Raul Ibanez is consistently underrated and should put up solid numbers, as should Dye, Votto, and Werth. 4 Phillies on your team, but no Pedro Feliz? For shame. Your pitching is solid, too. I thought the Wainwright pick was a little ambitious, but by taking Lackey you added solid insurance at minimal cost. I think Brian Fuentes is in line for a very good season. Wandy Rodriguez’s first name is Wandy. Either his parents were on mescaline or both had very severe speech impediments and wanted to name him Randy. Wandy. Wandy. Wandy.

Best Pick: A lot to like here. Kelly Shoppach could put up solid numbers and I really wanted him, but I give this to Lackey at 107 overall. He’s hurt and his situation is kinda iffy, but he’s a stud when healthy.

Worst Pick: Wainwright. I like him, but 86^th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.

Kbonermakerjbuttache- Aaachie Bubby

Best team name award goes to the giraffe, no doubt. However, recent revelations about RJ’s toy cylinder make things a little cloudy as to who is exactly making RJ’s butt truly ache. Perhaps some tag team action between The Succubus and The Cylinder is in order? Your offense looks solid, but at a second glance you see that no one on your squad had 100+ RBIs last year, HR numbers aren’t very good, and your AVG could be weak. I think power is your biggest concern heading into the season. You said you had no idea who Ian Kinsler is, but I’m sure you will by seasons end. He’s a legit fantasy force. I like Hunter Pence and expect his AVG to rebound a bit, but your bench is terribly weak. I like your pitching a lot actually. Bonderman blows and Devine looks like he could be hurt, but Hamels, King Felix, Lester, and Myers are all very good. Well done.

Best Pick: For whatever reason I like Brett Myers a lot this year. He’s two years removed from that weird situation where he got moved to the pen, and he could put up solid numbers across the board.

Worst Pick: This pains me from my core down through my loins, but Ichiro at 37 is too high. He’s a three category player now and only going downhill. I still love him though. <(‘_’<) ^(‘_’)^ (>’_’)>. He also looks like that. For realz.

Post-draft Rankings:

I see the top three as pretty clear, and solid competition for the 4-8 spots. Matthay’s ranking drops because of his utter lack of pitching, and for once Alex isn’t ranked dead last:

1. Me (duh)

2. Mark

3. RJ

4. Trevor

5. Kremer

6. Clay

7. John

8. Archie

9. Matthay

10. Alex

11. Ilan

12. Harrison

Predicted Order of Finish:

1. Me (duh)

2. Mark

3. RJ

4. Kremer

5. Trevor

6. Matthay

7. John

8. Clay

9. Archie

10. Ilan

11. Alex

12. Harrison

As usual, if you don’t like it…write your own. Assholes.