They run, they pass, they do drugs, they dunk, they fight, they…rap?

The first in a three-part study on the ever-difficult life of an athlete/rapper.

“With the first pick in the 1992 NBA draft, the Orlando Magic select… Shaquille O’Neal…”

And so opens Shaq Diesel, Shaq Attack’s 1993 production, admittedly a pretty sick way to open an album. Averaging a double-double per game over an illustrious career in which he has won Rookie of the Year, MVP (twice), 2 Olympic gold medals and 3 NBA titles, there is no doubt that not only will this behemoth of a man go to the Hall of Fame, but also that he straight up owns the league.
Comparing Shaq’s playing days with his rapping ways, Shaq Diesel went platinum, and Shaq Fu: The Return went gold. But, perhaps more importantly, millions, upon millions, upon millions, of people laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
Even though his flow his awful and his rhymes are laughable (in more ways than one), I will admit; Diesel has a decent sound. A softer, big-guy tone, it’s really not all that bad if you’re listening absent-mindedly. Listen for yourself…

(I Know I Got) Skillz
Favorite Lyrics:
I got a hand that'll rock ya cradle,
cream you like cheese, spread you on my bagel,
…
but Shaq's a smooth balla,
(yeah, but what about rhymin?)
I can hold my own,
knick-knack shaq-attack, give a dog a bone

I mean, seriously. (I Know I Got) Skillz...? Illest Shit Around would sell like, 80 times better than this.

Where Ya At? (Phife from ATCQ is on this track. Why? Don't fucking ask me.)
Favorite Lyrics:

don't need the drink crooked I juice to get loose
my favorite cartoon is Bullwinkle the Moose

I got mad styles you better sit and watch
I can kick it like he-he then I'll grab my crotch
yo it's 1993 I mean nineteen-ninety-Shaq
whatever year it is the Shaq will never slack

Pretty sure the “he-he” is a Michael Jackson reference. That’s…cool.

I Hate to Brag
Favorite Lyrics:

Watch out the funky hooper
Uh er uh er uh…er, sorry I made a pooper

I can flow like pee, comin out your-know-what
Or some dookie diarrhea comin out your butt

Wow. I mean, just, wow. I have found a completely newfound respect for this man. Perhaps my two favorite “D” words, EVER, not only in a single song, but back-to-back. Holy shit. You best believe this track is on repeat on me iTunes right now.

One down, got two more on the near horizon. Church.