where has this been all my life...

it has been too long since my keystrokes have graced the pages of dahf. it doesnt mean that i dont love it, i am just a picky guy. someone who need something big to discuss and share. a small outfit from philly came out with an album this summer, and it is pretty bumpin'. here is the video from one of their singles "pon de floor". you may say that this video is crude, but to me it is one of the most educational that i have seen in years. next time i need to [which will hopefully be tonight..shwing] this instructional tape may come in handy. watch closely, you may miss something...

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

love you all. j

Come look at how good my pictures look...

I've been uploading my pictures to Picasa.

I call the above, "What the fuck, dude?" from my growing album, "Italians Are Weird". Check it out if you know what's good for you and your momma.

Widukinds Diary Entry #27

My dearest friends, it has been far, far too long. Now, now, let’s not get all huffy about it, and cut right to the chase.

Topic 1) I’m pretty sure that my invention of heated closets is probably about as good as it’s going to get. But, I really like this one: hot-tubs with massage chairs built in. I really don’t see why this would be so hard, or how it would not be absolutely awesome. If this was Imaginationland, I would propose the real cash-cow: build a hot-tub…with a massage chair…that sits in a hammock. I’m still working on the general physics to that one, so we’ll stick with the first idea for now. I’m really starting to put together my future house. So far I’ve got three absolute musts: heated closets, a hot-tub with massage chair, and a kebab grill machine locked and loaded 24/7 in the kitchen.

Topic 2) In my last post, I mentioned my quest to answer the age-old question, “what does the Pope do all day?”. Well, I haven’t gotten it answered, but I kinda forgot about it, too, so I’ll keep working on that. However, a burning set of questions that I have been able to answer are: “What kind of porn do Italians watch? Is there Italian porn? Or do they simply kick back with some of the magnificent cinematic triumphs of lovely San Fernando Valley, imbuing the unparalleled talent that constantly oozes from the area like lava from Mount Vesuvius, snaking its way down the slope, inflicting slow, painful and slightly erotic death?” Still with me? Good.

The answer (actually, the second one remains unknown) was provided to me by a friendly Italian student who works with our program named Vincenzo. Vincenzo is a funny guy. He looks like a Trekkie. The back of his head is extremely flat. While we were in Naples and a few of us were commenting on how much of a shit-hole the city was, Vincenzo said “They [Neopolitans] are all fucking savages” and, later asked when confronted with an exorbitantly priced cannoli: “Why don’t they [Neopolitans] all fucking die?” Quite a quotable character. But, on with the story. We were down in Naples and the Amalfi Coast on a school trip, of which 4 students were guys and about 20 were girls. Vincenzo was telling us how at one point on one of our lengthy bus rides, he had fallen asleep, and subsequently woken up surrounded by a plethora of beautiful American bzs. As he said to us, his first thought was, “Did I just wake up in a Bang Bros film?”

Question, answered.

Next in line: “Skype Sex…where do you point the camera?”

Topic 3) Lighting would fuck me up if I was some sort of tribal dude prancing around in a loincloth. Lightning and thunder. What would you think if you had absolutely no understanding of what lightning and thunder could possibly be? When you think about it, it makes perfect sense that mankind’s first reaction was “someone up there is fucking pissed.”

Topic 4) See above, but replace “lightning and thunder” with “volcano” and “up there” with “down there”.

Topic 5) I flew to Munich for Oktoberfest with four other kids from my program here. Of us 4, 3 had big things of contact solution, yet only 1 of us got stopped at security. On the way back, the people at Swiss Air noticed, but reminded me jovially, to “bring a smaller one next time!” On my way to Sicily this weekend, no one noticed. Today on my way back, they had me throw it out.

Europeans, stopping maniacal, explosive-jelly-wielding-21-year-old-exchange-student terrorists, one-third of the time!

Out like my ideas for this line right now.

Click for full-size picture...

Deebster in action, volume two. Not sure what he was doing. The girl who looks like she just took a dump and it's squishing around in her jeans on the stool dated the Scurfus for hella long. I LMAONADED at that.


Out like the Giants being out of this thing!

Il Diario di Widukind #26

Today I was sitting out in the calm Roman afternoon, enjoying a nice pezza di pizza and the best Fanta I have ever had (it always has been, is, and will be, better in Europe)…and I almost had to choke a bitch. The table was myself, my Italian “student companion” Silvio, one of my roommates and his girlfriend. The couple is from “outside of Kansas City” (good sign #1), and are very nice people. But then we asked our Italian friend if he’d even been to the states. He hadn’t. Then this happened:

Girl: If you go to the states, you have to go to Chipotle.

Silvio: What is it?

Girl: It’s a restaurant. They have the best burritos!

It’s been two sentences and I simply can’t take it anymore so I interject like the elitist North Californian I am.

Me: No. No, no, no, you need to come to San Francisco and get a real burrito.

Girl: They’re not really like real burritos though, they’re different. I think they’re better.

I was immediately reminded of these three posts. One: most people have no idea what actual Mexican food tastes like. And it’s a shame. Two: don’t pretend like you know what the hell you’re talking about when you clearly have no idea whatsoever. That would be like if Bill Simmons started writing about soccer. Oh, no, wait…fuck Bill Simmons. Three: I’m sure all of you know how badly I wanted to turn this girl and articulate my feelings. “They’re different”? What is that supposed to even mean? It’s a fucking burrito.

Of course, the exchanged continued with:

Girl: I get the burrito bowl.

I don’t even want to start with this one.

The best quote of the meal came immediately after the above statement:

Girl: It’s my favorite restaurant!

O_o

Note to self: never move to “outside of Kansas City”.

I’ll just turn the rest of this in to a little list of things I’ve picked up so far here.

• People always talk about “culture shock”. I think the concept is beyond dumb. Pick up a fucking book before you go someplace, for gods sake. However, if any one thing were to have “shocked” me so far is how much dog poop is on the sidewalks here. No one picks up their shit. Where’s Gary when you need him?!

• I used to think the phrase “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” was total BS because there’s clearly not. Now I realize that I am wrong; they’re all here. It first really hit me a couple of nights ago while we were out walking around Trastevere, a neighborhood with tons of bars and streets packed with people out enjoying the night. There are plenty of tourists around, but it is still mostly Italians. The women were gorgeous and bountiful. Suddenly, as we walked in to a plaza called Campo di Fiori, I noticed the talent had dropped significantly. Campo di Fiori is the center of tourist nightlife in Rome. Coincidence? Obviously fucking not.

• Italian women are hot.

• My school is literally a two-minute walk from the Vatican. I haven’t seen Benny Dicks yet, but I’m keeping an eye out. Also, I asked an Italian tour guide "what does the Pope do all day?" She explained that he has a lot of administrative duties to deal with because he's the head of the country. Yeah, a country of 900 celibate, non-drug taking, 80-year old dudes. "Il Papa! We ran out of Depends again! And Bob fell asleep in the middle of his sermon and had a wet dream and jizzumed all over the Pietà!"
  

• And because I know Hartattack wants to know, while I’ve hit the town a bunch so far, the Deebster had yet to come out until last night. But he was being all grumbly in my tumbly; a pub crawl played the three rubs to the genies lamp, and he was unleashed:

Lookin’ saucy in my Dunkmans! Keep in mind I’m not trying to do the “rock on” gesture, but rather the Sign of the Horns. Never do that to an Italian dude. They will not be happy. That chick has had a boyfriend for four years and plans on getting married by the end of senior year. She literally rubbed her boobs in my face (Hi, Mom!); she clearly knew how to strike a chord with the Deebster. But, we didn't make out, so, you know, she wasn't like, cheating or anything.

Working on getting a webcam so I can Skype outta this bitch.

Out like American girls' chances of ever comparing to le ragazze d'Italia!

Fantasy Football Draft Review 2009 Volume 2.0 - By Claykwon the Chef

Widukind's note: The illustrious mind of Claw Danielsen has actually decided to sack up (unlike another member of this blog) and write his own fantasy review. Unfortunately, he forgot his password, so I am posting it for him.

Not that I intend on taking the post draft preview crown away from our very own mini Mel Kiper, or sound like a pussy douche like Reggie, I just figured I could add something the blog I love so dearly. I also figured I could fill the void that Mikey forgot, my favorite, best pick worst pick!

I don’t know who is who so I’m just using the same nicknames that Mikey used.

Ho-Train: Team as a whole seems good. Brady is a stud, and the WR corps is good. Unlike Mikey I like Turner and don’t buy the too many touches last year argument because AP had more touches than he did, that said I think he will slightly decline but be good nonetheless.
BEST PICK: Your team is not that bad, but there are no picks that are really any better than the rest, if I had to pick I would say Lee Evans at 51. If not only for the fact that weeks 1-3 without Lynch the Bills will be passing a lot and he’s still got top end speed.
WORST PICK: Jake Delhomme is one of the worst QB’s in the league. He’s been bad for quite some time and after his horrific playoff game next year will be BAD. I bet Shaun Hill and Favre (Gay) do better than he does this year.

Mikey: A great team as always with a very underrated WR corps, obviously Fitz is a beast but Gonzalez and Moore aren’t big names but will both do very well, and I think Rodgers could be the number one fantasy player this year (given our QB heavy scoring system).
BEST PICK: Lance Moore with the last pick of the 7th round is an amazing steal. 4 picks after someone took Avery and 3 picks after Reggie took Cotchery makes the pick even Moore (pun intended) amazing.
WORST PICK: I hate to say it but Beast mode first pick of the 4th round for someone who is out for the first 3 games is just real risky, it could pan out, but you also have no BAD picks so that has to be your worst pick.

Myself: An amazing team with a legendary manager. MJD is going to ball hard this year. WOW!
BEST PICK: Reggie Wayne 4th pick of the 3rd round after Jennings and Boldin, who are both great, but mark my words will under perform Wayne.
WORST PICK: No bad picks although maybe slight reaches on White, Stewart, and Hester.

Dumbo: Alright team although slightly disappointing for a football enthusiast like yourself. I think you may be over-hyping Cutler, and I think Driver will start to show his age.
BEST PICK: The value wasn’t necessarily great but it is literally the only pick of yours I liked. So Andre Johnson at 14. I’m open to being wrong and I think I may be because there’s no way your team is that bad, but I honestly think your draft was quite bad.
WORST PICK: Welker ahead of Rodgers, Willie Parker is just bad and will lose carries and catches, especially in the red zone to Mendenhall.

John Bearcub: You went all Niner Faithful on me at 2 and got screwed by the autopick, and given that your team is not too bad. Peyton is the most automatic player in football and Gore will not live up to number 2 but will put up 06 type numbers this year.
BEST PICK: Eddie Royal. Everyday Brandon Marshall punts balls at training camp and admits to not learning the playbook your pick gets better. McDaniels loves to pass and with BMarsh acting like such a you-know-what he could do very very well. Honorable mention, Felix Jones was great value at 7 and with TO gone they will run more.
WORST PICK: Roy E Williams in the 4th. I understand he’s the number 1 in big D so I could be wrong, but he’s missed 21 games in the last 3 years and is notoriously lazy. I think Chad 85 would have been a much better pick.

RLame: You probably win the best name award and given everyone in the league makes fun of you that’s impressive. I REALLY like Rivers, Calvin, and Chris this year, and think they could carry your team.
BEST PICK: I like Run DMC this year especially because you stole him from me. With Russell being a you-know-what and DHB just being Al Davis’ wet dream (but not actually being good) they have to run and this is his first year as a starter.
WORST PICK: Obviously Cotchery. You took Cotchery ahead of Moore and Ray Rice. You’re Dumb.

Jacques Cousbro: I don’t really get that name at all; the link was too long so I didn’t read it. Your team is not very good post draft, although you’re a seasoned vet at fantasy sports in general so I bet you’ll make some good pickups and do just fine. Plus you have Vernon Davis, which makes your team the second coolest to you’ll find out later.
BEST PICK: Because like Mikey and every other football fan in the country I love the Texans this year I really like your Schaub and Owen Daniels picks, who will both build on strong 2008 showings. Had Matt not been injured he’s have thrown for around 4400 yards with 22-24 TD’s and I expect him to add to those numbers.
WORST PICK: Barber and Portis are both in position to lose some carries this year so we’ll see how they will do. Reggie Bush still has the potential of the 2nd overall pick and has shown flashes of brilliance but the question is how many games he will miss this year. A bit risky considering you have an injury prone QB also.
Judah Maccabi Goldensteinberg: Your starting QB is Eli Manning so unless you’re trying to get with Alex that is just fucked up. Besides Eli sucking Plax’s dick your 1-2-3 RB’s may be tops in the league.
BEST PICK: Call me un-original for choosing your first round pick but Matt Forte at 5 is a steal. He’ll be a threat for 2,000 total yards this year. STUD. Although I can’t say they were good picks because they play for the faghawks but I kinda sorta maybe like the TJ How is your mama? and JJ picks.
WORST PICK: Eli Manning is your starting QB in case no one got that there are only 12 teams in the league, and without Plax he’s just Peyton’s less funny awkward younger brother.

Kremdawg aka the poster child for the Pale Jews With Jungle Fever Fund: As Mikey stated there is no Internet in afrika so I’m not spending much time on your team because you probably won’t be reading this.
BEST: Moss, G Reg
WORST: BOWE

Max+B: I take back what I said to JMG about having the best 1-2-3, because I think that title belongs to you. Williams will decline but because Jake D sucks D they will run enough for him and Stewart to do well, and LT is 30 but will always get some yards and will put up near 10 TD’s.
BEST PICK: I hate saying it because I want him to pass the torch to AP but LT at 17 is an absolute steal. I’ve heard lots of people talking about taking him in the middle of the first. Speaking of middle of the first DW was great value at 8.
WORST PICK: I sound like a broken record but you took Avery ahead of Moore and Moore would have probably been your second best WR.

Heshen: You have the only team cooler than Marks because you have Mr. dark chocolate aka the big you-know-what aka black Jesus the one and only Mike Vick who even in pre-season made me go from 6 to 12 in about .02038 seconds.
BEST PICK: MIKE VICK. He couldn’t really be any cooler. I’ve been a HUGE fan of his since his freshman year in college but for some reason (even though I own two dogs) I think I may like him more now. Actual best pick is Stat Jacks namesake.
WORST PICK: Thomas Jones. Granted only LT has had more yards than him over the past 3 years but he is about to crash I think and having him as your number 2 back could be bad.

Baby Giraffe: I don’t want to jock you like Mark but your team is quite good. I’m slightly worried about Warners age because although he’s a HOF player he’s not age resistant. And with Ginn Jr, Brown, Ricky you just have WAY to much riding on the dolphins mediocre offense.
BEST PICK: Chad 85 I mean child please at the end of the 4th after Roy Williams…great pick. I also like Dallas Clark two and a half rounds after Witten (burn Alex)
WORST PICK: I’m not singling out one specific one, but having 3 starters from the dolphins is an issue that Mark must have not realized when he came on his keyboard looking at your team.

I finally took Mikel’s advice and wrote my own, although I finished at exactly 3:24 am so If it is written in snicklefritz English I apologize, I’m also SUPER tired for those who copy my drift.

Fantasy Baseball Playoffs ftw...

Since the self-proclaimed fantasy guru just did another fantasy draft review, I thought I’d take this time to dissect the fantasy baseball season and offer some predictions for the fantasy baseball playoffs.

First off, I need to boost my fantasy ego more and the only way to do this is by quashing some of Widukind's pre-season predictions. In the interest of fairness, though, I should say that Widukind got many things right. A) You’re in first, and relatively deservedly so (although your hitting is average, you may have statistically one of the best pitching staffs ever). B) You basically predicted the top 5, although definitely not in the correct order (you predicted You, Mark, Me, Kremer Trevor, while the actual order is You, Me, Kremer, Trevor, Mark). With that said, here are a few of your more specific predictions that went terribly, terribly wrong.

1.To Lonny: “I don’t like Mauer at 57. He’s already hurt, and he’s just a 3 category player at this point. Guys who went right after like Garret Atkins or Alexei Ramirez would have fit well in your thin infield.” Besides the obvious point that Mauer was an absolute steal at 57, the guys you mention, especially Atkins, have had markedly down years. Did I mention Atkins sucks dyno dick? Ramirez is at least respectable. But Mauer, whoop, gooooooodddd pick lonny!

2.To me: “Sure, Chris Davis is beastly-looking, but if he busts? You’re fucked like you were last night by that big cylinder that lurks around under your bed.” And… “Getting Chris Davis at 71 is great value; you’re not reaching like many people have with him so far, and he has the potential to be way better than the 71st best player this season. And you’ll need that to happen.” Yeah so… Chris Davis sucks balls, and was my worst pick this year, but considering I still have the best offense in the league (look it up), you were very wrong about my team in general. Very, horribly, wrong. Pujols is God.

3. To Trevor: “Wainwright. I like him, but 86th is just too high. He doesn’t K enough to warrant that high of a pick, and he’s still only pitched one full season in the bigs.” Yeah no, that was wrong. His line this year is Lincecum esque (he technically is more likely to win the Cy Young according to Cy Young predictor, but I’m expecting a no-hitter by the God himself this weekend against Colorado, so that’ll change).

Ahh, my ego feels so much better now. I really like the Mauer quote. And finally, in answer to Widukind's point about my so-called theft of Greinke: Your specific quote was you liked Jones and Greinke. I remember specifically mentioning I was iffy on Jones. I was correct. He’s really not having that great of a year when you take away the first two months. Fluke to me. I don’t believe I mentioned Greinke even. And I picked Greinke because he was to me, the next best player available. Considering the other people drafted in that round included Johnny Peralta, Jorge Cantu, Matt Wieters (bahahaahaha, he really needs to learn to wait back on pitches a little better, he’s getting destroyed by changeups and sliders) I think I made the appropriate pick.

Alright a quick review of the season just for the people who are making the playoffs.

Poo Taste Fart Tart
Considering you took hitters with you first 9 picks, and your hitting, although it looks scary, has been around league average for most of the season, your team should be bad. But your pitching is disgusting. Absurd. You’re leading this year in Wins, ERA, Ks, and QSs. Most by a pretty good amount. Even fucking Blanton is having a good year. God fucking damnit. And Kemp. I believe your line from two years ago was “I also got the real young Dodger talent (aka NOT Matt Kemp), James Loney.” Yeah Loney’s been good and all, but you were very, very wrong. I was right. Go fist yourself.
Best Pick: Carpenter and Jurrjens. Both are beasts. Getting them in the 15th and 16th were the second and third best steals behind getting Pujols 2nd overall.
Worst Pick: Bruce is the easy pick here b/c of the injury and the .207 average before the injury, but I don’t like picking someone who was injured b/c those are typically somewhat random. So your worst pick is Ordonez. God he sucks. And you blasted me for not picking Ordonez when I picked Chipper. Jeeze.
Best Pickup: Ubaldo Jimenez. Mr. Hands drafted him in the 19th and then dropped him. Considering how terrible his pitching has been, that was a crucial drop for him and a huge pickup for you. But you did drop Morales, which would have been a huge pick for you.

Queef Monster
Great team name… Moving on, I’ve had a good year but got killed by a few hitting and pitching categories. Considering I have statistically the best hitting team, it’s incredibly frustrating that I can’t get RBIs. So gheyyyy. And Quality Starts blows as a statistic (more on this later).
Best Pick: Derek Jeter in the 12th. I really didn’t have an astounding draft but Jeter falling to me in the 12th was huge. A top 15 hitter in the 12th?! Made up for a pretty lousy draft overall.
Worst Pick: Toss up really between Milledge and Davis. I’m gonna go with Davis though because he is a Devil who refuses to keep his head on the ball. And Milledge has actually come back somewhat nicely in the last two weeks. Boy, I really didn’t have a great draft looking over it. Good thing I’m a fantasy expert with my pickups!
Best pickup: Zobrist. Carried my team for a while. Wins best fantasy pickup of the year!!

Eliza’s Spicy Balls
You actually had a really bad draft, but you’re bright spots have really carried you. Berkman and ManRam were both obvious disappointments. Same with Dempster and Nolasco. Lilly and Aardsma have both been huge feathers in your cap, though, and your hitting has been completely carried by Ramirez, who’s just an amazing hitter, and Reynolds.
Best Pick: Reynolds in the 13th wins in a tie with Carpenter and Jurrjens for the best picks of the draft. He’s cooled a little bit but a really good year for him. But he might be retarded. He apparently said “I don’t see why the strike out is a bad statistic.” God you’re fucking retarded. This is a guy who has struck out 3 times in 5 ABs with the bases loaded and is hitting .232 with RISP with 59 strikeouts in 139 ABs. That’s not so good. I’m all for a guy who swings out of his ass on every pitch. But at least appreciate the negative effects of a strikeout on your team’s productivity.
Worst Pick: Ramirez is the obvious one, but you couldn’t have predicted the suspension. So my choice would be Ludwick in the 8th. Bad pick there.
Best pickup: You really haven’t had many good pick ups this year kremdog, but Aardsma was a great pickup. Throws very hard. Considering we traded him for Hawkins in 05, that goes on a growing list of terrible Sabean moves.

Blow My Meat Whistle
Considering you too have been noticeably absent this year from making a lot of moves, it’s not a huge surprise your team has fallen off recently. You are still statistically the best team in the league, but that is mainly front-loaded. That said, you’ve definitely been a bit unlucky. Your team is scary and you really love the Phils as Widukind pointed out in his post-draft analysis. You have statistically the 2nd best pitching led by the surprise Wandy (who I hate) and Wainwright. But you are going to need your hitters to perform better if you want to make it deep into the playoffs.
Best Pick: You had a lot of very good picks here, and you definitely win the award for best draft in hindsight. By a long shot. Werth, Ibanez, Johnson, Wainwright were all great picks, but Wandy in the 23rd is almost up there with Carpenter, Jurrjens, and Reynolds.
Worst Pick: Ramirez is an obvious one considering the injuries, but I’m gonna go with Guthrie. Not a good year for him, but he was a late pick so you didn’t lose out on much
Best Pick Up: Not many here. If you had paid much closer attention, you could probably have run away with the league. Montero was a good pickup I guess, although he’s definitely cooled.

Mr. Hands’ Team
Mark, it hurts me to say this because you are my mortal enemy, but your team scares me heading into the playoffs. Overall, your pitching has really let you down this year, but you’ve got a guy who looks to be heating up with 5 QS this month in Anderson and you have Cliff Lee who’s been making the NL his bitch for a while now.
Best Pick: You had by far the worst draft of those in competition. Your first 6 picks have all disappointed you in some way, especially Rollins. It’s remarkable you’re still around. Doesn’t say much for the rest of the league. But your seventh pick in Lee was huge, and you’ve really benefitted from his trade.
Worst Pick: All of your first 6. I’m even including Morneau even though he’s had a good year just for dramatic effect. Rollins sucks, Longoria is a god, but I think his wrist has been a real problem this year and even though he’s racked up the RBIs and Runs, that average is a killer. Webb, pbfffffffffffffffffffff, you reached for Ramirez, and McLouth isn’t good.
Best Pickup: Kendry Morales!!!! Makes up for dropping Ubaldo. He’s good. Finally an Angel’s prospect is reaching his potential!

Mark is Gay!
Your team is boring. Only people worth talking about are Verlander and Mauer.
Best Pick: Verlander and Mauer.
Worst Pick: Pretty much everybody else besides Halladay and Crawford. Oh but you traded Halladay for David Wright. That worked out well…
Best Pickup: Franklin and Feldman. Feldman apparently has the third best pitch in baseball behind Lincecum’s changeup and Kershaw’s fastball.

Playoff Predictions
Round 1

4. Eliza’s Spicy Balls vs. 5. Mr. Hands’ Team
This one may not be very close. Mr. Hands is having a good week pitching and it carries over into an 8-3 slaughter of Kremdog.

3. Blow My Meat Whistle vs. 6. Mark is Gay!
Trevor wins a close one 6-5 in a rematch of this weeks matchup, although neither team performs well.

Round 2

1. Poo Taste Fart Tart vs. 5 Mr. Hands’ Team
In a matchup of fantasy titans, the difference maker is Cliff Lee, who gets two starts against the Nationals and the Mets, dooming the Fart Tart, and providing yet another year of the season number 1 not winning a playoff game.

2. Queef Monster vs. 3. Blow My Meat Whistle
The Queef Monster prevails buoyed by two great starts from Sabathia against the Orioles and the Rays and Pujols beating up on the Brewers.

Championship
2. Queef Monster vs. 5. Mr. Hands’ Team
In a rematch of last years Semis, Queef Monster avenges his unfair defeat and prevails as League champion!!! Not sure why, but it happens!

1. Poo Taste Fart Tart vs. 3. Blow My Meat Whistle
I don’t really care who wins, but my intuition (read: hope) says Trevor!

As you probably can tell, my predictions are based off of countless analytical calculations I can make in my head in the blink of eye. They have absolutely nothing to do reckless guess and supreme desire. Absolutely nothing.

Finally, here’s my last point. I don’t like Quality Starts as a fantasy statistic. Before I go further, I must say this is entirely self-serving. Entirely. Now, moving on, I will start by saying QS is logically a great stat for fantasy baseball. It benefits the pitcher whose team might be subpar and who keeps getting shafted in the Win column, a la Matt Cain in prior years. This logic does transfer somewhat to reality as the team with by far the best pitching staff, Fart Tart, leads in this category by 3 QS. After that, though, logic goes out the door. The teams with the worst and second-worst pitching staffs, Poo Train and Tomahawkcock, are in second and third. Salad Tossers, who has an average pitching staff at best, is in fourth. My team with the third best pitching staff, judged primarily through era and whip, is in 9th. This has led me to believe that Quality Starts benefits the truly great pitching stuff (such as, admittedly, Fart Tart’s) that can start every pitcher, every start with very good results. But the fantasy manager who is forced to pick matchups because his pitching is good, but certainly not great, is fucked over by QS. A good fantasy manager with a good rotation could potentially compete in wins, era, whip, and strikeouts, but lose severely in QS. While a shitty manager who has okay pitchers, but doesn’t pick matchups so he starts every pitcher every time, might lose wins, era, whip, and strikeouts, but could win QS by virtue of the sheer volume of starts he has for his pitchers. This is annoying. Basically every time I look at the stats that show that Tomahawkcock with his 4.58 era (next closest is 4.15) and 1.40 whip (next closest is 1.35) has 19 more quality starts than I do (95 to 76), I nearly go into epileptic shock. Watch me lose the championship by only QS. That’s like someone losing the championship on double-plays or errors.

It’s not just the last part; this entire post is basically self-serving. Still, to the playoffs my friends!

Fantasy Football Draft Review 2009

Note: Team names have been omitted due to lawsuit potential

Ho-Train

So “Fuck Tom Brady” ends up drafting Tom Brady. Real clever. Irony or not, you’re going to need Pretty Boy to pull another 2007 from his Gisele-punished ass for your team to stay afloat. Between Boldin, Evans, and Santana Row (I’ve never been there but I bet that place sucks), your WR corps are actually pretty good, though I’m not the biggest Moss-lite fan (look at me with the nicknames today!). I’m also not the biggest Turner fan, as I really see no way he repeats his 2008 campaign, and the number of carries is a worry. However, Atlanta looks to be a run-first squad again so he should be solid. Sproles as your #2 RB hurts, and besides Gates at TE, the bottom half of your squad is really weak. You probably won’t need him, but Delhomme’s shit pile of a playoff game last year seems like one of those career-altering days. Just awful.

Me

What a team, what a team. I believe it was RJ who said in a huff something along the lines of “you always say your team is good”. Well, you dip tacos in ketchup, so I don’t have to listen to you. I see my WR as the weak point; they’re thin, and Lance Moore is already hurting. However, Larry Fitzgerald is the best player in football, and Anthony Gonzalez is the #2 WR for some dude who’s a little OK at throwing the football. Like taking a risk on A-Rod, I took a risk on Marshawn, but with Knowshon, Rice, and Donald Brown I think I’m pretty well covered. While they’re all involved in committees, all three seem to have the upper hand against their mostly underwhelming competition. Aaron Rodgers will have a big season barring injury, and Slaton is The Man on Houston’s emerging offensive machine (playoffs in 09). I’m hella good at this shit.

Claykwon the Chef

As expected, a solid team. Injury and Mike Vick aside, you can be sure Philly will throw, throw, throw, which makes McNabb a solid QB to take late. Roddy White in the 2^nd seemed a bit early, but pairing him with Wayne is a great 1-2 punch. I like MJD a lot, but I’m not sold on Stewart, Beanie, or Benson. The first two are hurt, Wells is having trouble holding off Tim Hightower (not a good sign), and even though he’s the only option in Cincy, Benson sucks and is severely injury prone. Stewart’s main downside is the injury, so if he gets over it he should produce very well, maybe even more than DeAngelo Williams. I don’t think Nate Washington will be very valuable at all, though I like Meachem’s upside. Why you took Trent Edwards as your #2 QB over someone like Matt Hasselbeck is bizarre. A McNabb injury could hurt. You certainly took some risks in this draft, but if you want to win that’s what you gotta do.

Dumbo

An interesting trend has seemingly taken over fantasy this year; the emergence of committee backfields has really affected how RB corps are being formed, and your team is no different. I don’t like Fast Willie Parker very much as a #2, but you have to believe someone from among Bradshaw, Johnson and McCoy will prove valuable. Who it is I have no clue, though McCoy has the highest upside, in my opinion. Another trend that continues with your team is the thinning availability of back-up wide receivers. Hixon and Camarillo do nothing to excite me, and given that Donald Driver is going to have to slow down some day, that could be an issue. Also, as I have stated I do not share your infatuation for Cutler. I think he should make the Bears better, but in terms of a fantasy option I’m not too psyched on his possibilities.

John Bearcub of the Shoshone

The computer really fucked you, though I’m wagering that Tim’s dick is bigger than a USB chord, so it couldn’t have hurt that much. Zing! I have no idea why it drafted you three kickers, and Jamal Lewis, Le’Ron McClain, and Willis McGahee are just terrible back-up RBs. However, with Gore, Thomas, and Fleet-Footed Felix, you should be fine. As with your RBs, I like your starting WRs a lot, but I don’t see any of your back-ups being valuable whatsoever. And of course, your QB is pretty OK at throwing the football. Besides the lack of a TE, your starting lineup is nice. But injuries could send your team the way of Yahoo! Autopick’s USB chord and Tim’s dick; straight in to the shit-hole. Given your amazing abilities to make numerous moves of little to no consequence, I can’t be too confident you’ll be bringing a trophy back to the rez.

RLame (lol)

Your team’s pretty OK. I like how right after I talked about how I was debating between picking Knowshon Moreno and Fred Jackson, you pick Fred Jackson. Way to keep the streak alive! I like Calvin Johnson and it’s scary to think what this guy could do with a real quarterback. But he doesn’t have one. But it doesn’t matter. Kevin Walter is the second receiving option on the playoff-bound Texans (driving my point home here), but I hate Jerricho Cotchery. I think it’s because he’s got such a great first name and such a terrible last name. That’s like your name except without the great fist name. I love your second CJ, and McFadden should produce in Cokeland. Ward I’m kinda “meh” on, but he should produce. I don’t like any of your back-up WRs either; it may sound sacrilege, but I seem to be the only Niner fan leery of Josh Morgan’s sudden rise to “#1” receiver.

Jacques Cousbro

Your team has about as much upside as any of your lady “prospects” for the last…six years. Zing! The only guy who could really step up is Schaub. If he puts together a full 16 games for the playoff-bound Texans his numbers could be great. Check out the 2009 Wild Card Texans’ ridiculous cheerleader profiles. That’s dedication. And pervy. If I was 13 I’d probably JO to those. What? Moving on...Portis was damn productive last year, but I don’t see it happening again, at least to that extent. Ladell Betts should make some noise in the Redskins backfield this season. Barber once again has Felix Jones to share carries with, and Bush and Graham don’t seem to have much upside. Maroney is just garbage. I actually think Braylon Edwards could be good this year, for whatever reason, and Colston is the man. But Coles is old and Maclin will not produce. I also don’t like Chad Pennington as a back-up. I think his numbers could drop significantly this season. The Dolphins are gonna suck. Just because I said so.

Judah Maccabi Goldensteinberg

Eli Manning is your quarterback. That would be like some egregiously retarded idiot choosing Bengie Molina to bat cleanup for an entire season. It’s not going to work. Even worse is Joe Flacco as a back-up; that’s like if some terribly mentally deficient vegetable blinked twice to say “yes” when his assistant asked if he wanted to start Edgar Renteria for a whole season at shortstop. It’s also not going to work. Ugh. Your receivers are good, though I’m not as high on Whosyomomma this season. I think he’ll produce, but he’s getting old. People keep waiting for Vincent Jackson to really break out, but I don’t think he’ll ever be that much better than last season (which is still very good). Forte is good and the addition of Cutlers arm should keep defenses honest; I like him to back-up his huge rookie season with another excellent campaign. Grant is the guy in Green Bay, but I can’t feel too good about him and Julius Jones being your #2 and #3 RBs. A lot of people like Shonn Greene’s chances, as do I. I also think Dustin Keller will outperform Kellen Winslow.

Kremdawg aka the poster child for the Pale Jews With Jungle Fever Fund (of which I am a proud member!)

I like your receivers a lot; in fact, I think they’re the best in the league, considering you have four capable starters. I’m not as high on Bowe or Marshall, but I still think they’ll be very good. However, your running backs give huge cause for concern. If he could stay healthy Brian Westbrook would be considered one of the best overall players of the past decade, but he can’t. Considering you have Joseph Addai and Sammy Morris as your other two backs…well I don’t even need some wacky metaphor for this; that really, really sucks. I like Carson Palmer this year, but in order to really compete you’re going to need to pray for an Adrian Peterson injury and Chester Taylor taking control of the Minny backfield. Other than that, well…you’re fucked.

Max+B

If your team and Kremer’s team made like you and Kremer in real life and made sweet, sweet, love and produced a child, it would be an unstoppable fantasy force. Tony Romo No Homo will again put up big numbers in big D, and Tony Gonzalez has one more stellar year in him. No way DeAngelo Williams puts up the monstrosity that was his second half last year again, but the Panthers should run and run some more yet again. I’m actually one of the LT supporters this season; Turner likes to run, and he’s simply one of the best running backs in NFL history. A Shaun Alexander-esque plunge would startle me, and having him as your #2 is a luxury. Additionally, Kevin Smith, playing for the 6-win 2009 Lions at the flex spot provides even more insurance. However, your receivers are abysmal. No way Antonio Bryant repeats, Holt is aging and in a run-first scheme, and Michael Jenkins just shouldn’t be starting for anyone’s fantasy team. The absence of a receiving corps will sink your team.

Heshen

Remember when you left the beautiful McCloud River, its copious amounts of trout and ridiculously powerful weaponry a day early so you could go home and see your girlfriend with whom you had spent the entire summer already? Remember that? Yeah, that sucked. Your team is pretty ok though; Brees is a monster, as is Steven Jackson. I don’t like Thomas Jones too much and LenDale White won’t score 15 touchdowns again, but they’re both decent options. What really boggles my mind is that all three Patriots running backs got drafted. WTF? Your receivers are solid if unspectacular. Barring injury I see TOs worst season total numbers to date, though he should still produce well. I still think Santonio Holmes’ stock is a bit inflated post-Superbowl catch, but he should improve on last years numbers. Like everyone else I can’t wait to see what the Eagles do with Michael Vick; could he be the first multi-position player in fantasy football? Or will Chad Ochocinco beat him to it? How exciting!

Aaachiebubby

Not sure how you did it, but you came out of the draft with a pretty danged good team. Roethlisberger’s 2007 seems like it’s more of an aberration than the norm for him, but he’s a nice backup option to the elder statesmen Kurt “Thank you Jesus!” Warner. Ronnie Brown disappeared in the second half last season, and despite Ricky Williams’ presence they’ve said they want to make sure he gets the rock often. The Williams pick in itself was a bit early, but you did a good job to handcuff the brittle Brown and also were able to compensate for it by grabbing Mendenhall late. Your receivers are solid as well; Jennings will put up big numbers again and a motivated Ochocinco will do his best to make people forget about last season. Dallas Clark is always a steady producer. I don’t see Mason and Henderson being particularly valuable, but as we’ve seen this seems to be the trend for most back-up WR options this season, at least at the outset.

Post Draft Rankings (I’m not really sure how I decided on these. Literally, I don’t have any idea other than putting myself first for obvious reasons, Archie second, and Clay third.):

1. Me

2. Archie

3. Clay

4. Harrison

5. Alex

6. Mark

7. Ilan

8. Max

9. RJ

10. Ho-Train

11. John

12. Kremer

End of season prediction:

1. Me

2. Clay

3. Mark

4. Alex

5. Archie

6. Harrison

7. Max

8. Ilan

9. Ho-Train

10. RJ

11. John

12. Kremer (there’s no internet in Africa)

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