Dress Bubby Fund: June 2009

Parts Sold Separately. Available at your local Wal-Mart.

Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? Who was the first dude with enough balls to come up with the idea of riding a fucking elephant? How come Shia LeBouf gets all the girls? How come I keep losing all my shit?
Other than the last one, I don't have any answers (which would be:"I'm an idiot"...seriously though, aren't these kinda things supposed to come in threes? Fuck.) But it's sure fun to talk about.
Recently I've been caught up with the thought of the continuing survival of mankind. Most people seem to be convinced that we're all gonna die pretty soon. That's the way nature works. Polar ice caps melting, nuclear winter, meteor; somehow, we're fucked. But what if none of that happens? Or, it at least doesn't happen for a very, very, very long time?
Humans aren't like any other species that's existed on this planet. Dinosaurs did not have condoms (imagine what the herp on a Brontosaurus' vajine would look like). The Dodo did not have modern medicine. Or government. Or agriculture. Or science. Or boobs. What if, just what if, human civilization sticks around for another million years or so? And by this I don't mean I Am Legend/The Road sticking around, I mean serious cooperation and advancement; no devastating natural disasters or war, no eat-your-balls-and-then-your-face bacteria. Some how, some way, we just persist.
What would we look like? Sound like? What would we do for fun? How hot would teh babez0rz be?
Because Stephen Hawking hasn't discovered how to get through wormholes yet (seriously Steve-O step up your fucking game), we have no way of answering these questions. But a question I think is very interesting to think about is, if humans continued for a million years just like we have for the last 200,000 or so, how the hell would you go about explaining the history of the human race? Even weirder, how the hell would you go about comprehending the history of the human race?
How fucking nutty would it be if 200,000 years from now, some dude is sitting on his "couch" watching a "television" show that depicts our way of life in the year 2009 in the same manner that the life of the earliest Homo sapiens sapiens is depicted to us? What if most of what is happening now, or has happened since say, the Ancient Greeks, is forgotten and looked over? It could be that the only information that survives is how we got kinda fat and actually dropped nukes on each other this one time. What if Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen is the new Cro-Magnon cave paintings? Whoa...
It seems crazy to think that everything that happened in the past 100, 1,000, or 10,000 years could eventually be summed up in one sentence of a history textbook ("then, because they needed porn so bad, the ancient humans invented 'the internet.'") It seems crazy, but in reality, shit like this has already happened. Alot.

A specific example are the famous Anasazi. What is weird here is that they did not call themselves the Anasazi. Nobody knows what they were called. "Anasazi" is just the Navajo word for "ancient ones". All we have left of them is a bunch of sweet ruins built in to the sides of canyons, and a name the Navajo gave them. It's an entire civilization summed up in one word.
I like thinking about this because it puts things in perspective, and it really opens the mind to imaging how incredible things could be in a few thousand years. But, thinking about this is also a little unnerving to me, simply because it implies that 99.99999999999% of things that are happening right now that I think are so fucking awesome are going to be completely forgotten (Gushers and XBOX Live whatup???). People want to be remembered, either individually or collectively; but the reality remains that the percentage of your image persisting through the ages is extremely thin.
We don't even know who built Stonehenge. I mean, how pissed off do you think the Druid-King-Ancient-Mystic-Alien who designed and built that fucking thing would be if he found out that nobody in the future knew who the fuck he was? The only thing that remains of his legacy would be that he was a big astronomy dork.

This is getting a bit rambly, but this just leads me to my next point: the Great Pyramid of Giza is mindblowingly awesome.

The Facts:

It contains more than 2.3 million blocks. It was built over 20 years-that's a rate of 315 blocks per day.
It weighs ~13,007,140,000 pounds. That's 30 Sears Towers.
The four sides of the pyramid are accurate to within 0.6 inches.
Oh, yeah...it was finished in 2560 BC.

2560 B fucking C.

That's 1300 years before Ramesses the Great ruled Egypt. It's even 300 years before they think Stonehenge was finished. If you haven't caught on yet...that is FUCKING OLD. King Khufu knew what was really good in terms of putting your stamp on the world.
What I'm getting at here is that our history is already getting muddled. We have no idea how they built things like the Pyramids and Stonehenge. I have no way of comprehending what life looked like back then, not to mention 100,000 years ago when Buk-Buk was sprinting shoeless through the bush with his hang-down flopping from side to side trying to take down a water buffalo.
Did you know that 80,000 of the 160,000+ plus years Homo sapiens sapiens have been in existence was spent dicking around in Africa? Or that >90% of the time we've been around was spent running around killing marmots and eating blueberries? We have no way of thinking about this in realistic terms. It just doesn't register.
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this same thing will happen (barring some sort of cataclysmic event that wipes us off the face of the Earth). So fuck you, little future douchebag munching down on your SpaceChips in front of your home theatre that emits smells while watching some documentary about how the Homo sapien s@piens were obsessed with a video of two girls eating shit out of each others mouths.

I enjoy my coprophiliac-themed theatre.

Fuck you, future.