Hartichoke's (AKA The Artist Formerly known as hungryfortacos) Definitive Top 10 Least Badass Characters List

This man stands for everything this list does notstand for...

The other day our great comrade Widukind came up with a comprehensive list of those individuals with whom one does not want to fuck with. Today, I present a list of characters who anyone would, and could without repercussions, fuck up easily. Enjoy.

Honorable Mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development- Too nice/funny), Fredo Corleone (The Godfather- might be mentally disabled), Andy (Steve Carrell from 40 Year Old Virgin (too likeable), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playist (too barfy).

Now without further ado...
10a and 10b:


Private Blithe (Band of Brothers) and Corporal Upham (Saving Private Ryan)
These two characters are tied because, let's face it, they're exactly the same. Both are big pussies in Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg World War II works. They both can't deal with war for a little while, then feel vindicated when they kill a single Nazi. Sorry guys, you already blew your chance to be hard when you were crying while your fellow soldiers were taking on the krauts.

9:

Commodus (Gladiator)
Huge non-badass. Basically a huge pussy that only comes to power by killing his father. Then only kills Maximus by stabbing him while Maximus is in chains. And still gets killed by a mortally wounded badass. Bonus points though for being played by Joaquin Phoenix, if you haven't already watch his interview on Letterman. Priceless.

8:

Karen Crowder (The big bitch from Michael Clayton)
If you've ever seen this movie, you know why she's on this list. I hated her more than almost any other character from any movie. This type of woman just kinda pisses me off in general.

7:

Any Character from a Bronte Work
We all know the Bronte sisters. And we all know their work. And we all know how soft that work is. And how every male character, and to some extent female character, seems like they have been neutered. Don't every try to tell me Heathcliffe is kinda mean... if was really tough he wouldn't be in a Bronte work.

6:

Owen Wilson in Marley and Me
I haven't seen this movie, but Owen Wilson just looked like he sucked from the previews.

5:

Baby Bop (Barney)
Don't try and tell me that you didn't watch Barney. And that you didn't hate Baby Bop. And don't try and tell me that Barney doesn't do unspeakable things to that ass every night cause you know he does.

4:

Vito Spatafore ( The Sopranos)
Gets bonus points for being a mobster, and actually being tough, but is here for 5 simple words: "I love you Johnny Cakes"

3:

The movie Hairspray
I woke up on an airplane once and this was on. I proceeded to watch without sound, what has to be the worst, and lamest movie of all time. I know it was a play and all, but god damn people have poor taste some time.

2:

Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)
Definition of a certain 4 letter word that my mother hates. This woman should get the crucio curse. Or a double crucio curse.

1:

Eli Sunday (There Will be Blood)
Damn right we drink your milkshake. The two scenes where he gets beaten down are pretty awesome, and he's the perfect foil to the badass that is Daniel Plainview. In the words of Senor Plainview: "You were just the afterbirth".

Much love, let's keep the blog and the top 10 lists rolling. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.

Love,
The artist formerly known as Hungryfortacos

A Day That Will Live in Infamy: The Sad Tale of Middlesbrough

My friends, we have all just been witness to one of the most tragic occurrences not only in the history of football, but in all of human history. Middlesbrough, the gleaming jewel of the river Tees, the penultimate representation of class and character in modern sport, has been relegated. Next year while you all cheer on your respective top-flight clubs as they duke it out on the world stage, my team of choice will be playing the likes of Doncaster, Nottingham Forest, and my old favorite club, Sheffield Wednesday.

It has been a long and tumultuous road, but it is a relief that it is over. Now that the deed has been done, I sit back and quietly reflect on how I first became a 'Boro fan. Sitting in my easy chair in the computer room of the Friese household with my brand new copy of FIFA '07 in hand, I told myself, "Mark, you are not a sheep. You are a shepherd. You cannot simply follow the crowd and become another Arsenal fan or a Chelsea fan. You shall be different." So I began my search for a team that had three main characteristics: a potent offense, a pathetic defense, and a decent amount of cash to spend on free agents. As I scoured the rosters, I saw my old favorite Mark Viduka paired with Yakubu, who I had watched on Fox Soccer Channel only two days before (I had watched him miss an all-too-casual penalty kick, but I saw him nonetheless). I saw Mark Schwarzer, the kindly Aussie between the posts. The attraction was instantaneous.

6 seasons later, with 6 Premiership titles, 5 FA cup titles (I lost one to Manchester United), and 5 Champions League trophies (I lost to the Norwegian club Brann one year when their goalie saved about 30 shots in a game) in hand, my legacy was complete. Winston O'Malley, the fictional 'Boro manager, had established himself as the premier football motivator on Earth, and had led Middlesbrough to 6 straight seasons of over 90 points. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the joyous times I had watching old Winston lead the lads to victory. But it is over now. A new leaf has been turned.

It has been quite a blow for me, particularly considering my brash prediction last year that we would be playing in Europe in '09-'10 (which can be seen on RJ's wall), but my love for 'Boro will never die. I am at least taking it much better than this fellow is for Newcastle.

I now know I must find a new club to root for until they manage to climb their way back into top competition. I must humbly ask you all of your opinion. Who should I support? Finally, thank you for your support in this most troubling time. 

Widukind's Top Ten Most Bad-Ass Characters Of FOREVER

Jiggly Puff will FUCK you up

This list started many moons ago while I was lying in bed trying to list the “Top Ten Best Characters Ever”, but when I found myself seriously considering Lúrtz, I knew I had to reevaluate my criteria. The Artist Formerly Known As Hungryfortacos' list clearly inspired me to finish this one but unlike his, this list covers all mediums. Media. Mediae...aso;djfipadnssdfjn. Unfortunately there are repeats, but what can you do. I tried be somewhat original so some members of the Honorable Mention category may seem more worthy, but I wrote this whole thing, so go fuck yourself. Please feel free to suggest additions, and/or amendments.

10. Lúrtz (Lord of the Rings)

Well, I mean…duh.

9. The Genie (Aladdin)

I like this movie. Say what you want about a Disney character making this list, but he could probably fuck up anybody on here if he was asked to. Which is exactly why he just sneaks in at #9…he can’t do anything unless he’s told to, and when he’s let out of the lamp his powers reduce greatly. Freedom isn’t free!!!

8. Okonkwo (Things Fall Apart)

(Artist's Rendition)

Anyone who can be so driven to dominate a society by having to grow a shit-load of yams earns a high grade in my book. Also, cutting down your own adopted son in the jungle with a machete=maybe kinda bad-ass. He also tries to kill his wife when she fucks up a meal or something. The only knock against Okonkwo is that he hangs himself at the end, a drastic deviation from his cultural norms, but it really just makes him all the more badass because he would rather die than conform to Whitey.

7. Magneto (Hella X-Men shit)

Far and away the greatest superhero ever (that’s right, hero. Deal with it. The dude’s family was slaughtered in a concentration camp! All he wants is for the same thing not to happen to mutants.) He can control bullets. He can make floaty-disks out of the iron in your blood. He pulls off purple hella well. If you’re not down with Magneto, you’re a Nazi.

6. Gandalf (Hella Lord of the Rings shit)

Potential child-molesting tendencies aside, this old fart managed to directly or indirectly take down Sauron, Sarumon, Durin’s Bane, the Nazgul, and the entire Uruk-Hai/Cave Troll/Orc army at Helm’s Deep. That’s a top-ten Badass list in the making right there. Not to mention he’s like 800-years old when all that goes down. I’m not trying to fux with a Balrog with my wrinkled-ass balls flapping everywhere…are you?

5. Predator (Predator, Predator 2, AvP, AvP 2)

Predator is fucking awesome.

4. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)

Commander of the armies of the North. Leader of the Felix Legion. Servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next. (When I wrote this off the top of my head, I had “Phoenix” instead of “Felix” and “shall” instead of “will”. I’ve watched this movie almost as much as the Namesake with “One Night in Paris”. Zing!)

3. Hanuman (Bhagavad Gita and some other Hindu shit)

HEYO major sleeper pick!!!! Judaism produced a guy that could part water, Christianity a guy who can resurrect himself, Buddhism some dude who didn’t eat for hella long, and Islam a bunch of bearded assholes, but Hinduism brought us a bad-ass monkey-god who can walk across oceans and pick up whole mountains and grow to any size he wants and take on whole armies by himself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner (none for you, Buddha).

2. Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Argue with this pick and I’ll diarrhea into a syringe and inject it straight into your right ventricle.

1. Omar (The Wire)

I tried being creative here, but this choice is simply unavoidable. What really seals the deal for Omar is that despite two major qualities that would seem un-bad-assly (being a homothapien and MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting popped by a little kid), no Wire fan would ever, ever argue against his bad-assitudlyness.

Honorable Mention:

Grampa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Al Swearengen (Much love, Hartichoke)

Kaiser Soze (Looks too much like a bitch)

Agent Smith (Fuck Neo)

Michael Corleone (Too obvious)

Tony Soprano (Too obvious)

General Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game"

Jules Winnfield (Too obvious)

Farva (Not tough enough)

Reggie Hammond (Tough to leave him off)

Lu Bu (Well, I mean...duh)

T-1000 (He turns into silver stuff)

The Killer Rabbit ("Look at the bones!")

Hartichoke (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as hungryfortacos) Top 10- Actually 12 with Honorable Mentions- Greatest TV Characters...

Bummer guys, didn't make it. There's always next year...

I don't quite know what inspired this, but at some point today I felt inclined to do this. So without further ado...

Honorable Mention:
These characters don't deserve being at the top, but merit a mention: Buster Bluth (Arrested Development), Brian Griffin (Family Guy), Creed Bratton (US Office), Lieutenant Speirs ( Band of Brothers), Paulie Walnuts (The Sopranos), Mr. Greg Gregson (Summer Heights High), George Bluth Sr (Arrested Development), David Brent (UK Office), Dave Chappelle (Chappelle's Show).

The Top 12:
12:

Phil Leotardo( The Sopranos)
Almost every season of The Sopranos featured a single antagonist who opposed Tony; Phil was the best of these characters.

11:

Jonah Takalua (Summer Heights High)
Just when the New Zealanders think they win with Flight of the Conchords, along comes the Aussies with Summer Heights High.

10:

Don Draper (Mad Men)
Quite possibly the coolest dude ever to appear on television.

9:

Tobias Funke (Arrested Development)
The picture says it all.

8:

Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
Drops a few spots due to we all know what, but otherwise the funniest physical actor of our time.

7:

The Cast of The Wire
I was gonna list a few favorites here, but then I realized I would name just about everybody.

6:

Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)
"I've made a huge mistake"

5:

Randy Marsh (South Park)
Absolutely steals scenes in episodes that he's in, and the episodes that star him are amongst the funniest.

4:

Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
No top ten list like this would be complete without him.

3:

George Costanza (Seinfeld)
"It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong." According to the Seinfeld DVD's, people actually started doing the opposite after this episode.

2:

Omar Little (The Wire)
The best character on the best TV show ever. There is no cooler character, no other character that everyone likes so much(including our president). It was extremely hard not putting him at number one.

1:

Al Swearengen (Deadwood)
Tony Soprano circa late 1800's. He is the reason Deadwood is worth watching and the show sags when he's not appearing. There's no one else (except for maybe Omar) that I enjoy watching on TV so much.

It's summer, let's bring back the ole blog a little.
Love, Hartichoke

The Creepiest English Hotel Ever...

If I saw this in real life I would shit my pants in a second...other than that, this is a pretty sick video.

Filthy Dukes - Messages from Filthy Dukes on Vimeo.

Sorry I have been out of touch for a while. I have pink eye.

Also, If you have unlimited SMS, sign up for twitter and get Shaq's tweets sent to your phone. Absolutely unparalleled.

Widukind Diary Entry #23: Selena Roberts Sucks...Ass...Major Ass...And Cock

Selena Roberts needs to fucking die. She's got a new book coming out, A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez, that traces Rodriguez's life back to when he was a child, exposing rumors and other stupid shit about how he probably used steroids in high school and probably about how he masturbated in the teacher's lounge in 4th grade or whatever. According to this article, the book also talks about how he has been a deceitful person his whole life; an example is how he claimed to have used wood bats in high school, despite pictures existing of him holding metal ones. Whatever. This is typical sports-journalist bullshit that we've all come to expect. Eyewitness accounts that will never, ever be substantiated; rumors from one person who knew somebody who rode the bus with A-Rod's dog walker who said they saw his neighbor fucking A-Rods housekeeper who told him that the dude was using 'roids, etc. Fine. She's a journalist. When someone gives her a quote that implies steroid usage, she can run with it, fair enough.
But wait a minute. Her book also sets out on quite an audacious task; her thesis, apparently, is that A-Rod's demeanor, his bizarre penchant for "lying" throughout his life stemmed from his father leaving the family when A-Rod was 10 years old. What? Who the flying FUCK does she think she is? Selena Roberts, you are a fucking journalist. Not a psychiatrist.
Let me explain. Here are some of her quotes from the article:

"I think like any child, you never want to be abandoned again... I think he always felt that he had to be better than good."

"I think in some ways he felt he had to be, you know, not just a great story, but a tall tale."

"He went through a phase where, I think, and maybe he's still going through the phase, I don't know, where he really I think felt as if he had transcended baseball and reached a different level with the public."

"I do think there's a very good Alex in there," said Roberts, who spent six months reporting and writing the book. "I think the good Alex has a very good shot at winning. I think the good Alex is there for all of us to see for the next nine years. ... No matter what stage he seems to go through, what sort of incarnation he seems to go through, I think that he is at heart a pretty tenderhearted person."

You are a journalist, shithead. You don't "think" things about people based on bullshit. As a journalist, you interview people, you use quotes (hopefully at least some from the person you're actually writing about), and you present the information you have retrieved. You don't go around forming theories of how the departure of someone's father at a young age affected their psyche later in life. That's some personal stuff, lady. You don't do that. Why this pisses me off so much is that this woman has basically made her career exposing A-Rod as a fraud, jerk, whatever, because he cheated the game of baseball. He used performance enhancing drugs when there were those in his same profession who were doing it by the books, and that's not fair.

But isn't this what Roberts is doing herself? This is not journalism. It's sensationalism. She is cheating the honest reporters out there who base their reports and books on concrete things people said or wrote that they found doing honest research with an honest goal. But the tabloids don't go ape-shit over those stories. People want to read about personal turmoil of their biggest stars; they want to see them go down in flames, even if it means writing about something as personal as the abandoning of a family by a father, and then making retarded conclusions that are based on nothing. You don't sell books by going by the books anymore. Selena Roberts knows this. Ergo, she=bitch.

What a hypocrite. Selena Roberts? You're fucking out.