2009 Fantasy Football Review

Today marks the end of two seasons: that of the New York Giants, and that of our glorious fantasy league. Needless to say, I'm battling depression.

So I'm doing a Fantasy Season Review with awards, and some other stuff that comes to mind as I type it. So here we go, from worst to first based on league standings and the playoffs.

Ho-Train (3-11)
Least Valuable Player
Holden, let me be the first to wish you goodbye from this league. You made 0 moves over the course of the season. You've now come in last the last two years. Clay thought your team was decent, and Mikel put you in the bottom three, but no one I think expected this sort of suckitude. Granted you beat me, but that's not saying much. For this I believe you have earned our LVP award. Goodbye, and good luck in your future endeavors.
I'm not sure if you were there for the draft so I don't know how much credit or shit to give you.
Best Pick: I think you deserve some credit for getting Sydney Rice in Round 11, after already drafting Chris Chambers, Kevin Curtis, Anquan Boldin, Lee Evans, and Santana Moss. He outscored all of them.
Worst Pick: There's a few potential stinkers here. Santana Moss in round 6 is pretty awful, but I gotta go with Lee Evans in round 5. Vincent Jackson was taken two picks later, and Santonio Holmes was taken two picks after that. Clearly better options then Lee Evans.

Mark (5-9)
The I-Was-Abroad-And Barely-Checked-My-Team-So-My-Team-Sucked Award
Markie I actually have a great deal of respect for you as a fantasy team manager. Year after year you make the playoffs or come close, usually making some astute moves in the in the process. This year, not so much. It seems like you checked your team rarely, and did little to turn any heads. That being said, you were abroad, so I understand. Hopefully you'll come back next year with vengeance.
Best Pick: You had three very strong picks in this draft. Schaub, the 5th best QB in the 6th (after Cutler, Romo, and Mcnabb). Colston in the 3rd (after Owens, Carolina Steve Smith, and Dwyane Bowe). But your best pick (and I never though I would type this) has to be Vernon Davis in the 19th. Great Fucking Pick.
Worst Pick: Your first two picks killed you. Barber at 10 and Portis at 15 were both busts. Those picks probably ruined your year.

Juanny Feesh (5-9)
The Second Half Sleeper Award/I Got Trade-Raped With a 30 Inch Long and Can of Beans Wide Dildo Award
Johnny your team had a funny year. You started 0-8. Wow. Talk about poopy. You looked like the Browns in the first half. But some nice pickups (Jamaal Charles, Kenny Britt, Austin Collie) lead to a 5-1 finish. I feel like this always happens to you Fishman. You shoot yourself in the leg early in the season, only to be the team no one wants to face late in the year. I have no evidence for that statement. One of these years though I think you'll break through. That being said, this is the third straight year where you've been in the bottom half, and Mikel called your season before it even started (lots of inconsquential moves, and a bottom 3 finish).
Best Pick: You weren't there for the draft so I can't really give or take too much from you. I think Charles was your best move of the year, he's been dynamite in the second half. And looking at your team, you have some talent. I think your best pick was probably DeSean Jackson in the 5th.
Worst Pick/Move: Your worst picks were clearly Roy E in the 4th, and Royal in the 6th, leading to a weak WR corps. That being said, you win the award for the worst move of the year. I absolutely trade raped you in the Manning and P. Thomas for Cutler and Jacobs trade. You never give up Peyton Manning. Never. I really think this move doomed your season. If you had Manning instead of Cutler and Alex Smith I think you would have been a top half team.

Max B (6-8)
The Forgotten Team Award
I don't think I remember playing your team once. Sorry. I like you. Your team looked pretty mediocre at the draft, and stayed that way all year. Romo was big for you, as was Deangelo "Barksdale" Williams. But other than that you're team is pretty below average. You also have two defenses and kickers. Interesting. I don't know how much you checked your team in the late going, but I expect a stronger performance from you next year.
Best Pick: Clearly Romo in the 4th. He was the best player on your team by a long shot, and was the 7th highest points getter. A good year from a smug bastard.
Worst Pick: Unfortunately for you there are a few picks I would put in here. Tomlinson at 17, Antonio Bryant in the 5th, and Torry Holt in the 8th, were all mediocre. I think the winner is Donnie Avery in the 7th. Eew. He was hurt at the time of the draft as well. You could have avoided him. Good call Clay on this one.

The Deebster (6-8)
The Unlucky/Karma/Stop Complaining Award
Well the Fantasy titan has finally fallen (at least in this league, though he will win a great deal of cash along with RJ in another). This is definitely in large part to being abroad, but I got to admit I kinda like it. But let's be honest, you were definitely unlucky. You put up the 4th highest points total and ended in 8th place. That shouldn't happen. Clay made an impressive call on Rodgers being the highest point getter, and that definitely worked out well for you. You thought you're biggest weakness was your wide receiving corps, but I htink what really screwed you was your depth at RB. There just wasn't enough production there aside from Rice. Whatever, I'm sure you'll be back to your winning ways next year.
Best Pick: Clearly Ray Rice in the 8th. The 4th highest producing RB with the 85th pick is pretty nice.
Worst Pick: I don't really blame you for it cause I made the same mistake in another league but it has to be Slaton at 12. He was horrible this year. I'm sure he fucked many other fantasy owners as well.

Harrison (6-7-1)
The Most Inappropriate Team Name Award
Your team was pretty decent post-draft, but I think your season was pretty predictable. Just good enough to win some games, not good enough to win them when they counted. All you needed was one win in the last two weeks to potentially get in the playoffs, and couldn't beat either Clay or me. That's the difference between the playoffs and mediocrity. You've got a pretty productive team, but I think what you lacked was a second big point getter behind Brees. If Steven Jackson was not on a poopy offense, I think he could have been your guy, but he got the yards and not the TDs.
Best Pick: You made a couple good pickups with Sims-Walker and McGahee when he was hot early so kudos on that. Draftwise, I think your strongest pick was probably Brees at 18. Not very surprising, but without him your team would be much weaker. I also like the Santonio and Thomas Jones picks.
Worst Pick: TO at 31 was pretty bad (and a very Harrison pick) and DHB should never have been on anyone's team. But I gotta say Shawne Merriman at 103 in the 9th. This with your reasoning "When there's a run on defense you gotta pick it" was retarded. There were still good offensive players left instead of this Roid freak.

Me (7-7)
The Trade Raper Award
My team was hated on greatly at the start of the year, and ended up being the 3rd highest point getter. That being said I am very disappointed to not be in the playoffs. I also had a weird season as I won 4 straight, lost 6, then won 3. Losses to John and Holden killed me. My team had good productivity, but really couldn't put it all together when I needed it to. I had two guys do most of my work, but it just wasn't enough to get in the playoffs. A lack of a second running back really hurt as well. That being said I expect to be at the top of the league again next year, and think I have established myself as an upper echelon fantasy football manager.
Best Pick/Move: Obviously my whole year was contingent on the trade rape I performed on John. Peyton Manning was exponentially better then Cutler, and Pierre was also better then Jacobs. Draft wise I like AB44 in the 11th and Donald Driver in the 8th. Lots of production from down there. My Steve Smith NYG pick up was also pretty huge.
Worst Pick: Unfortunately I have a couple that take this award. Witten at 38 was a DISASTER, as was Fast Willy in the 5th and Larry Johnson in the 7th. A failure to handcuff these two was really poorly done on my part.

Moishe Isaacs (7-6-1)
The Overachiever/Worst Name Award
Far and away the worst name in the league. Come on put a little effort into it. Be a little inappropriate. It feels good. Your team put up the 3rd least points yet you finished in 5th. Basically, you got lucky. You're team is full of good, but not great players at their position. I think you haven't made the playoffs any of the years you have been in this league, so I think improvement is needed. That being said you made a couple good moves that helped your chances.
Best Pick: Miles Austin 18th round, pick 212. Let me take my hat off and applaud that one.
Worst Pick: Got to say Matt Forte at 5. I don't really fault you for it as I thought he was gonna have a great year and made the same mistake in another league. But that really hurt your team. Also Julius Jones in the 6th was pretty poor.

Krembo (7-6-1 Regular Season, Probably 4th place in the playoffs)
The Dark Horse Award
You stayed under the radar most of the year and put up solid season. You crawled into the playoffs after a fast start but just getting there is pertty impressive. You were hated on after the draft, but you put together a season that you should be pleased with. Even though football is clearly your second sport after baseball, I think you have established yourself as an upper level fantasy owner. You survived the loss of your first round pick, and your WR's carried you for some time.
Best Pick: There a few strong picks but none really blow me away. Addai in the 5th and Hines Ward in the 6th were both solid picks that didn't get a lot of support. Also, I like the Shiancoe pick in the last round. Your best move, and I hate to say it, was clearly your add of Brett Favre. He's had a huge year for you.
Worst Pick: Bowe at 30. That really did not work out that well.

RJ (7-6-1 Regular Season, Probably 3rd in the playoffs)
The Team that Chris Johnson was On Award
Like me a few years ago with LT, you strapped a saddle on Chris Johnson and rode him into the playoffs (No Homo). As Clay predicted your team was anchored by two very very strong players in him and Rivers, and those picks produced big time for you. That being said, you definitely had some luck on your side. You got to play Ho-Train in the last week of the regular season to get in the playoffs which is nice. You didn't have huge points totals, and you had some pretty terrible picks. That being said you deserve a lot of credit for having success in what also should be considered your second sport. You won the championship last year and defended your title admirably. And you had a huge week last week that could have gotten you into the finals. You are clearly an upper echelon manager.
Best Pick: A tie between Chris Johnson at 9 and Philip Rivers at 33. I know I am repeating myself but these guys were your team this year.
Worst Pick: This was the difference between the top two teams and you. You had a couple of misses and it hurt you bad. McFadden in the 4th was pretty bad (come on you knew Oakland was gonna be terrible) but Derrick Ward in the 5th was worse. That left you scrambling in the second half when you could have used a productive #2.

The Bubs (12-2 Overall, Likely 2nd in playoffs)
The Regular Season Juggernaut Award/San Jose Sharks Award
Like the San Jose Sharks, and many teams before them, Bubs you put together a great regular season only to fall in the finals. Let's face it, your and Clay's teams were head and shoulders above the rest this year, and a huge amount of credit goes to you for the way in which you drafted your team. You made only 10 moves all year, illustrating the outstanding draft you had. Both DB and Clay saw your teams as a strong contender right off the bat, so kudos to them as well. You had the first pick, which made things pretty easy and guaranteed a good number of points, but where you really blew the field away was in the middle rounds. Your picks of Ricky Williams in the 9th, Roethlisfaggot in the 11th, and Mendenhall in the 12th were absolutely crucial in your success this year. You came in second two years ago as well, so I think you have started to establish as a top tier fantasy football manager. All you need is more consistency from year to year.
Best Pick: Clay killed me in his review by pointing out your pick of Dallas Clark 2 rounds after I took Witten, and that was rightfully so. That was clearly a great pick on your part. However, I gotta go with the pick of Ricky Williams in the 9th as your best pick. You already had Brown, so a Ricky handcuff was a smart move, but I don't think anyone expected him to carry the team in the way he has since Ronnie Brown went down. Your team team may have lost a lot of production when Ronnie went down, but you still managed to score the second most points and win the most games. Also the Hightower pick up early on helped cement your RB position.
Worst Pick: Hard to knock a draft that was as productive as yours, but I think I would probably say that Ted Ginn in the 8th was probably your worst pick. He just hasn't been as productive as everybody had hoped, and I don't think many people had him singled out as a potential sleeper. But overall, well done Tall Can.

Ruxin (AKA Clay "I Jock Whatever Team's Are Good in Every Sport" Canielsen 11-3 Overall
League Champion
The Most Obnoxious Winner/Person That I Heard The Most People Say That They Didn't Want To Win/Future Commissioner Award
Clay, I said that I didn't think your team was that great post-draft and lord knows I was wrong. You put up the most points (a pretty ridiculous 127 points per game average), and managed to beat the regular season champ Bubs in the championship. Well done. But I hate you. Also kudos on a great team name, though I watched something on the KKK last night and they actually call themselves Imperial Wizards- so minus points for inaccuracy. But looking at your team, your pretty stacked from hot to bottom. You have a strong QB, two great WR's, and three potent RB's. That might sound like the basis of a championship team, and for you that definitely was the case. You stuck with your guns and took MJD at 4 and that paid off, your next two picks had great years at WR, and had some pretty astute mid round picks. Unlike Archie, you made a whole bunch of moves (which for the most part were pretty inconsequential), but like Bubs you drafted the heart of your team, so hats off in that department. However, there are some questions regarding yourself going into the future. What will you be like as commissioner? Will we play for money? Will there but cuts aside from Ho-Train? How incessantly will you talk about this triumph over the course of the coming year? But more importantly, was this a fluke? I don't think you have ever made the playoffs before this year, and while you said that this was the first year you have taken it really seriously, that seems like a weak excuse. You clearly follow football more than the rest of us (I think Mikel and I might be the only other ones who are even in the same ballpark, albeit you might be on homeplate while we're in the bleachers) but so far that hasn't resulted in fantasy success. I think the league can definitely succeed under your control, and I look forward to everybody naming their teams making fun of you (which should be a yearly tradition that we do towards the commissioner).
Best Pick: This one is a no-brainer for me. Benson with the 93rd pick overall in the 8th round. He was as productive as an earlier round RB despite some injury troubles, and he was HUGE for your team this year.
Worst Pick: I honestly have no real issues with your draft. The biggest problem I have with it is that after your first 12 picks or so, hardly any of those players were of any consequence for your team, but who knows what one is getting in the late rounds anyways.

Well this took me two days to write and required a fair amount of work. I hope you enjoy this as a sort of wrap-up to the league that we all know and love. As a bonus (and really as a joke, I am doing my First Annual Pre-Season Rankings for next year of the league).
12. Ilan
11. Harrison
10. TK/Myles/Whoever we have taking over for Ho-Train
9. John
8. Kremer
7. Archie
6. Max B
5. RJ
4. Clay
3. Mark
2. Deebster
1. Me (Cause it wouldn't be a proper ranking without putting myself atop of it).

Le Boeuf

The other day whilst carousing on the internets, I came across a potentially lethal rap beef. One sided as of now but sure to witness a counter-attack soon enough, this brewing war predicts a beef of unprecedentedly epic proportions. It's not only inter-rapper (real word), but international, and inter-generational. "Old Man Uncle Sam", as he is known by his fellow hoodlums at Wooden Oaks Retirement Home, has formulated a direct attack against Jacques Cousbro, a budding star on the French rapping and blogging scene. Unwarranted and unprovoked Uncle Sam has struck the first blow...will Jacques Cousbro rise to this diaper-wielding, wheel-chair rolling, disgruntled WWII vet's brazen challenge? Only time will tell...

Listen to the old geezer's diss track here:
Vous Ȇtes A Bitch - Old Man Uncle Sam

chek this out..

BlaQKout is hot sheeyit. Album to come shortly. For now...

To go along with the japanese theme of videos...

This reminds me of Mikel for some reason...(at least the monster in the video does)

its been a while since a japanese animal video has entered giraffe city [ie dahf]...

word up to bk

jam city..

joker & ginz - purple city


get it while its hot, which was like 7 months ago, but it still bumps.

My Phishy Experience

Phish - Festival 8 from Michael Marantz on Vimeo.

This is to set the scene of what a Phish concert is like.

This past Saturday I attended my first ever Phish concert. I have heard many epic stories about people’s experiences at Phish concerts, but I honestly did not know what to expect. Before arriving to the concert venue in Albany, NY, we wanted to check into the hotel that we had previously booked online. Although the Econolodge isn’t the best place to stay, it would definitely be fine given the circumstances. We chose this Econolodge because it was only a mile away from the venue, and we would be able to walk there and back without having to worry about driving while being fucked up. However, when we arrived at the hotel, the owner (who is Indian- this is important later on in the story) alerted us that a pipe had burst in our room and that there were no other rooms available. Although we were pissed off, the owner said that he would set us up at another hotel for the night. FINE WHATEVER! We argued that since he was really fucking us in this situation, that they needed to give us a ride to and from the concert. So it seemed like everything was going to work out. We packed a 30-wrack of Coors in the trunk of the ‘Company’ Land Cruiser, and had more than enough “herbal medicine” to last us throughout the concert and night. On the way to the venue, our driver graciously let us know that there in-fact was no pipe burst in our room, but instead the owner had overbooked the hotel. BASTARD! Fuck that shit. Anyway, we get out of the car at the venue, and the environment is crazy. We go into the parking lot where thousands of people are smoking bowls, pounding beers, and buying and selling acid, weed, weed brownies, weed everything, Ecstacy, shrooms, and an assortment of other drugs. The area where you go to buy all of these goodies is called “Shake Down Street.” Loud music, people partying, and getting really, really, really fucked up. I have never seen so many fucked up smelly hippies in my whole entire life. Awesome. Anyways, my friends and I decide to experiment with one of the many “goodies” that were available. It literally took 3 minutes for us to be offered these “goodies”. Then we consumed it….etc..etc..

The concert was unbelievable. The music was hypnotizing, the lights the accompanied the band was even more impressive. I felt like I was a fish in a fishbowl with little kids pointing colored lazer lights at my face…..way cooler than it sounds. During the show I sent a couple of text messages to my good friend Deejae:
Deejae: How’s the show?
Me: Speechless. I know why now?
Deejae: Welcome
Deejae: Super funkalisious!
Me: Magnafunktatiousness!!!!
Deejae then proceeded to advise me to get home safely. I did. I also made a voice recording of some of my thoughts that I had during the show:
Voice recording 1: Phish is from another fucking planet. They are trying to brainwash our heads to feel good all of the fucking time. All the lights make it seem like a brainscan. Oh my god! They, they are, they are from another fucking planet, they know how to take over people. This is awesome.
Voice recording 2: Oh shit. I feel like I can grunt as well as they can play music. They are just describing hallucinagetic drugs, And I feel like if I was a grunter of an artist I would play good music like this, but not music, but grunting, but people would like it just as much.
Voice Recording 3: I see all of the combinations of pepperonis and vegetables in the audience. Oh my god it is the lady of the earth. Where did she come from? The lady of the earth was there. She needs to come back. OH MY GOD!!! Theres green man!

My experience at the concert was similar to these voice recordings. Anyways, after the show ended at 12:30 am, we walked outside to the nearby McDonald’s where we said that we would meet the car picking us up. After waiting for 20 minutes for the car to arrive, and after we tried to buy McDonald’s food by walking through the Drive-Through, the car arrived. As the four of us approach the car, we notice that there is an Indian woman driver with her two kids in it. We pile in the car. I sat in the back with the 5-year old Indian boy who must have been ridiculously scared of me because I kept motioning to him that I was sorry for bumping into him as I climbed over him to my seat. The kid really needed to be in bed. Why was he in the car with 4 extremely fucked up men? We realized the Indian woman driving was the owner of the hotels wife…what a bastard to make your wife do your dirty work. I felt so guilty…and confused…and paranoid…and I thought it was funny. The driver, name Eama, first drove us to the Econolodge so we could pick up the rest of our beer and some other necessities for the night. We then piled into the car to be taken to our new hotel.
We had thought that the hotel was going to be about 5 minutes away and probably at another half-decent place. We were so wrong. Eama drove us 20 minutes away from the Econolodge and our car to a shitty little motel, and a SHADY SHADY area. The motel was called “The Hostfield Inn.” We go to the front desk, which is barely a front desk, and another Indian woman is waiting for us. We could tell that she had just woken up from sleep in a backroom behind the front desk. I think that’s where she lived. We then realized that the owner of the Econolodge also privately owned this shit hole of a motel. So he had purposely overbooked us and was making more money by putting us here. The cards at the front desk were cards from other hotels, and he had crossed out the name of that hotel and written ‘Hostfield.’ After struggling to deal with the logistics of being placed in a room, which was so hard because we were fucked up and the lady didn’t speak a word of English, we started to walk towards our room.
Room 12 was behind a dirty, shady, warehouse in the middle of Buttfuck, NY. As we approached the front door, we noticed that there were massive dent marks in it, and it looked like it had been broken into multiple times. FUCK ME! We opened up the door and of course it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. There was a massive cockroach on the wall, the sheets were disgusting (I wouldn’t be surprised if there was poop on them), one of the mattresses had a massive bloodstain on it, the TV was literally from the 70s, and all of the little soaps, shampoos, and mouthwash bottles were stolen from other hotels (the mouthwash bottle said RAMADA-1999 on it).

Also the lock on the door was a simple door knob click lock. SHADY. So to remedy the situation, I put this little desk infront of the door so we would if someone was trying to break in. So finally after watching TV (Dirty jobs, Jackass, and Swordfish) and talking about teleportation, and levetation for 5 hours. We finally went to bed.

We woke up the next morning to the sound of knocking on our front door. It was the “cleaning service” to let us know that we had to check out. When we opened the door I was not surprised to see that the cleaning service was an extremely old Indian couple (probably 105 years old). They had a shopping cart with a dirty blanket on top of it. WOW. Great. We call Eama to get picked up from the shit hole to have her take us back to the Econolodge. We got back, we immediately went to the owner and let him know how pissed off we were and how shitty of an establishment he was running. It’s a fucking crime to overbook people at a corporate hotel, and then send them to your privately owned piece of shit, and charge the same amount of money. We demanded to be refunded our money. But of course, he refused and told us to get the fuck out of his hotel. CUNT! After cussing him out, and calling him a retarded businessman, we proceeded to call the Econolodge headquarters to file a formal complaint in an attempt to be refunded our money. Then I went to dominos to get a sandwich, and drove home. This was my Saturday night.

All in all, Phish is epic. And I think it is important that everyone gets a chance to see them perform before the stop touring. I’d love to go again.

sikkness...

BENI - Maximus
by MaisonKitsune

props to wasabiii

reminds me of my cousin--white AF1's or definitely on my christmas list.

Who does this look like?

great song. check out ella fitzgerald's version for some f-in fireworks.

First off, I too would like to applaud Widukind on his incredible use of diction in his prior post below me. It, with the like of this and this post, will surely go into the Hall of Fame of Dress Archie.

Okay a few thoughts on being abroad in general.

1) Driving on the Autobahn is as fun as it sounds. I drove down to Prague this past weekend. Only about a three-hour drive, so it was the perfect length to enjoy the Autobahn without getting bored from having to drive for too long. Now first, there are a few misnomers about the Autobahn. There are speed limits for about half of the highways. They are usually 130kph or 80mph. But for about half the time there are signs that show an X through a speed limit sign, meaning you are now entering a zone of no-restriction. Those are pretty fun. Almost immediately everyone on the road increases his or her cruising speed to 160 (100mph). For the most part during those times, I went about 180 or 112mph. Fastest I got up to was 210 or 130, but then the car started to shake, so I eased up a fair amount. I may sound like a total tool for talking about this but it is one of those things that if you ever get the opportunity to try it, take it. Really fun time.

2) Driving on the Autobahn in the rain is as scary as it sounds. Everyone still goes the same speeds, but it just feels like you have no control over everything. That wasn’t much fun.

3) Prague is an entirely underrated European city. By far my favorite place I’ve visited this trip. Everything from the city to the food topped my expectations. If you ever go, there is a beer hall there called U Fleku that you have to go to. It is a microbrewery that serves only one beer, its house beer. The house beer is as dark if not darker than Guinness, and is 13% alcohol, so basically wine. But it tastes perfect. Not dark and bitter like Guinness, and not light and watery like a lot of American beers. Perfect. And given the high alcohol content, the atmosphere there is a little ridiculous. The most equitable comparison to a nightly Oktoberfest in my book.

4) Lastly some more music if you are interested. I think at least one or two of these might suit Widukind’s desire to go crazy.

Start off with the best first. This is a remix of an original song by Spencer and Hill, a German DJ group, called Trespasser. In the original version of the song, the chorus says “I wanna be a, wanna be a, I wanna be a Trespasser.” Now a clever little DJ from Milan, by the name of Gigi Barocco, noticed that if he remixed the song a little and took out the word “Trespasser,” it sounds like the chorus is “I just wanna beer, wanna beer, wanna beer.” Personally, I think this is absolutely hilarious, and the fact that it is attached to a good elektro song just takes it over the top for me. Have a listen.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/zeyfdjd1njg/Spencer-Hill-Trespasser-Gigi-Barocco-Remix.mp3

Next comes a pretty good song originally by English DJ Fake Blood (terrible name in my book). Herve invited himself along to do a remix and I think it’s pretty good. Would really recommend listening to this plugged into something with a pretty good bass. Has a pretty good drop.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/tnoiwgwjizc/05-Mars-Exclusive-Herve-Re-Fix.mp3

Finally, Bob Sinclair came out with a new song. His last few songs since “World Hold On” have all been a bit disappointing in my book. But this one harkens back a little and is actually good. Been getting a fair amount of airplay here. This is technically the Avicii remix, but the difference is negligible. Enjoy:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/toxf2mjn15k/Bob-Sinclair-New-New-New-Avicii-Remix-RIP.mp3

Lastly, some of you may already have this song, but Chromeo came out with a new single about a month and a half ago. It’s called Night by Night, and since I’m going to see them on Saturday, I figured I’d throw it out there.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/tzwowkywtn2/Night-By-Night.mp3

Out like I almost am from abroad. Shit.

If only...

Jed had balls as big as this guy.

Remember when this was the sickest?

It still is the sheeyit. My goodness.

Widukinds Diary Entry #29: the Adventures of Widukind Part 2

Mac Mall makes it to the first page on Google Images for a "shrooms" search!

After my saccharine escapade (remember this for later), the rest of Sunday night was spent relaxing in Hampsterdam before heading out to my friend's friend's place out in Leiden for the night. A third night of sleeping on the floor while sharing a room with 4+ other dudes was a serious blunder, as well as a strong no homo. Widustradamus' bold prediction: the next time you have to decide whether to use your sweatshirt as a pillow, blanket, or mattress, you are not going to sleep well.
The rising sun was celebrated by taking some doja al duomo and heading out in to sleepy Leiden to procure some funny fungi, a venture that proved quite successful. On the train ride in to the city, we began our consumption, and our hearts giggled with glee, though our stomachs grumbled grumpily and our mouths groaned, "gross!" (Chicks dig alliteration.)
My buddies had to check in to their hostel, which predictably was a disastrous yet hilarious affair. Their booking of course had gotten screwed up, so while they toiled to formulate cohesive sentences with the ladies at the desk I went and sat down on a couch to relax. Finally they had everything sorted out and went up to their room. After about 15 minutes of waiting for them I got worried, so I approached the desk and attempted a reconnaissance mission. It was pretty clear the conversation wasn't quite going to be held up on my end when I opened with the question, "Where did my friends go?"...as if they had any idea who I was or where I came from. They politely asked who I was talking about, but by then I had already decided to cut my losses so I told them "I'm just going to go back over here".

Unfortunately, I had a train ride to Dusseldorf to catch, so I had to depart prematurely. Widustradamus' bold prediction #2: the next time you chose to do shrooms and sit on a train for 2 1/2 hours, you will not have a fun time. All of my previous experiences with magical mushrooms have been absolutely stellar, each in its own way special, eye-opening, and simply awesome. This sojourn, dear readers, was no walk in the park. Not only was it not easy, it didn't consist of one, while all of my other shroom trips have (a walk in the park, I mean). Instead, it consisted of me sitting on my train paranoid out of my mind about: A) falling asleep and having my bag stolen, B) missing my stop in Dusseldorf, C) how the hell I was going to find my hostel, D) the angry Tiki-Dolls and bearded skull-pirates I was seeing in my jeans, and E) my reflection in the window that kept morphing in to a demented skeleton.

I dunno...could be a good look for me

I didn't freak out or anything, but I certainly was not very comfortable. Shrooms are a remarkable drug; the psychology behind them is truly astounding. Each time I had delved in to their world before, I had left, in my humble opinion, a greater person. There wasn't something I could point my finger to and put on display as a "Here, This is How I am Better" exhibit; it was just something I knew to be true. However, this experience, governed by a predetermined location and activity which I had no ability to change, was completely different. I had to be on that train, I had to be sitting in that seat, I had to watch my bag, and I had to get off at a certain time. It wasn't even as if I wanted to do certain things, yet was unable because I was on a train; I was completely devoid of any options whatsoever, so my mind floundered and simply hit a rut. While my first experience on shrooms led me to fill up an entire 50 something pages with random thoughts and doodles, this time was the complete opposite. I couldn't come up with anything that inspired me or even interested me. Because I wasn't having much fun, I harkened back to that first time and I tried drawing in my notebook to calm down. I had no idea what I was going to produce even as I sketched the first lines; I ended up drawing a rain cloud. It scared me, so I stopped.
Though certainly no expert, I have done shrooms enough to have developed an addage I pass on to any others who are doing them for the first time: "Don't have anything planned. You'll just do what you want to do, and that will be enough." Foolishly, I went against my own advice and found myself trapped. The result was less than desired. I had wisely eaten a smaller dose, resulting in an overall weaker-trip, so I didn't truly freak out and bite off my neighboors earlobe. But I didn't have much fun either. Lesson learned.
Arriving in Dusseldorf after three nights of awful sleep and coming down from my shrooms trip, my brain felt like a banana does when for some reason you thought it would be a good idea to keep it in your backpack all day like an idiot. I spent about 45 minutes wandering around in a mindless stupor, got the exact same three directions from people, consequently forgot them, and then finally find my hostel. I was extraordinarily ecstatic to find out that I had to wake up at 3:00 AM to catch a train out to Dusseldorf-Weeze, Ryanair's middle-of-nowhere-fucking-piece-of-shit airport.

She wasn't there.

After waking up after my fourth consecutive night of non-sleep, I wanted to kick a fucking panda in the fucking face, take a massive diarrhea in to the cavity where its cute little fucking dopey eyes used to be, and then send it to PETA with a note, "GARGUAGHGHGHGHG!!!!". But I didn't.
Humble readers, I hope you remember what I told you to remember at the beginning of the post. You see, at 3:00 AM on Tuesday morning, my stomach decided to kindly remind me that I hadn't taken a shit since at least Saturday night. This wouldn't have been all bad if I hadn't spent all of Sunday high. But, the bowl of Wok to Walk, a huge plate of chips and guacamole, and a gigantic bag of candy of epic proportions (not to mention a whole bunch of shrooms) was still sitting, nay, brewing, excellently in my stomach. A perfect storm erupted within my bowels at around 3:13, punishing my innards with immense ferocity, causing them to roil and quiver at its excruciating pangs. On the walk from my hostel to the bus station I had to stop twice altogether and grasp my sides, bending over in agony, seething through my teeth and brimming with fury at my pathetic anguish. At one point I actually looked around and wondered if anyone was still out at this ungodly hour who would catch me taking a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. But, nay, dear readers, I soldiered on! I made it to the bus in time, only to have the most godawful bus ride in the history of things that are godawful...45 minutes of my groin feeling like a concubine in Genghis Khan's tent: fucked, and hella pregnant.
Finally, in the most triumphant of triumphs, I made it to the airport and ran to the WC.

Fuck you, Dusseldorf-Weeze

That is all for now. Until another time...

Widukinds Diary Entry #28: the Adventures of Widukind Part 1

No homo

Our hero hath returnedeth from his journey. Many of you may not even know of what journey I speak; simmer, humble reader, and let my silken words woven of venture, woe, and weather steer your hearts.

Taking a clue from (more like completely ripping off) one of my fellow and favorite internetz scribez0rz, I will allay to you some tales in pure diary fashion accompanied by pictures, in the form of which "Widukinds Diary Entry" has never seen.

This past week was my week-long winter break, allowing me time to leave the Eternal City that I have come to love and explore some of Europe's fine cities, nations, and people.
My first stop was Copenhagen, Denmark. A charming old place, Copenhagen is clean as a whistle. Each Dane seemingly owns like 8 bikes. It's kind of cool, but it's also kind of annoying when you're walking around and unwittingly amble in to the bike lane and hear some poor Danish person screech to a halt before slamming in to you on their bicycle. I find it incredibly entertaining simply because bike/pedestrian clashes have to be one of the more awkward things you could witness. I didn't actually see one, but try and picture it in your head and tell me that's not funny. As one would expect everything works to a tee there; even if the metro from the airport is late, they are kind enough to inform you en route, unlike the surly Italians who couldn't give two flying fucks. It's also absurdly expensive; fitted hats were "on sale" for $75. My buddy from Emory who I stayed with has a studio with one bed and a mini-kitchen that costs him $7,500 for the semester.
Of course, Copenhagen's pride and joy (no, not the fucking stupid mermaid), is Christiania. When you walk in to the "neighborhood" there are large signs that proclaim "You are now leaving the EU"...you're not, but I guess the Danish think it's cute so they let them play their little game. Inside is a big open-air market with tons of stalls selling any smoking device, accessory, or gimmick you could ever imagine. Of course, beyond those are the actual goods:

Look familiar? Actually, though?

There are literally guys standing behind stalls with weed and hash laid out with names and prices in front of each, in the middle of a city in which marijuana is illegal. It's a fucking trip. Not only that, it's incredible quality and it was probably the best deal we got during our entire stay in Copenhagen. Christiania, FTW.

Friday night was ruined when we met up with some "kids" from University of Richmond:

Yes homo

I put kids in quotations because I simply don't regard them as humans. I'm not even fucking kidding, we walked in to a room with ~20 of these dudes all sitting around drinking beer, without a single female present. My mind was boggled to an extent at which further boggling was no longer feasible. Wisely, me and a few friends decided we would rather sample our earlier purchases from Christiania and hit the proverbial hay. Luckily, my roomates in Rome from Richmond are actual Homo sapiens, unlike these blood-sucking douche-bags.
Saturday night was the infamous Sensation White festival, from which the opening picture of this entry originates. Not really much to say here; though I don't fux with hard drugs this was one occasion where I would have done so, responsibly of course, but they were harder to find than Steve Slaton in the FUCKING ENDZONE OMFG YOU ARE MURDERING MY FANTASY TEAM YOU FAT FUCKFACE. Given that it is Copenhagen all beers were $10, so the night was for the most part spent quite sober. However, it was still a blast. Ecstasy or cheap beer would have made it hyrogen bomb-esque, but c'est la vie.
Sunday I jetted out of lovely Denmark to Hampsterdam. Though it was raining when I arrived, it was good to be back. I arrived ahead of my roomates from Rome, so I met up with a few girls from my program and smoked at their hostel, the famous "Flying Pig". There I had the pleasure of meeting this guy Mack from Redwood City. I will fight legalization of pot until I die, but this is one guy that at least makes you stop and think. Given that I was quite blazed, his series of increasingly depressing answers to my basic questions made the conversation practically unbearable. He was home-schooled from 2nd grade through high-school, dropped out of LA Music School after one year because "fuck real school", and worked his "ass off" at his brother's plumbing company until he saved up enough money to take a break and go to Europe for a month. He went to London, then got to Amsterdam and had spent the rest of his time there. Which, though suspicious, I thought could be cool given that he could have gotten to know the city quite well and been able to see some things most in-and-out tourists don't...I thought all of this until he answered our question, "Where's a good place to eat?" with, "There's a Hard Rock right down the street that's really good." Three weeks in one city, and the one restaurant he could name was the Hard Rock cafe, even after we asked him again and told him we didn't want to eat at the fucking Hard Rock cafe. We also asked him for any cool bars we could check out (this was asked twice, slightly differently and at separate intervals in the conversation) and he answered the exact same way both times: "there are a few bars and clubs right around here that are pretty cool". "Right around here" was, reasonably of course, signified by a lazy raise of his arm and a lethargic twirl of his index finger.

Homo mackius

After finally shedding ourselves of this amicable cretin, we got some dinner and then walked in to a candy store. I can't remember the last time I had been in a candy store, much less high, and much less a mind-blowing Dutch candy-Valhalla. I was like a...like a...dung beetle in an elephant herd's fresh turd mound. Prolly the analogy I'm looking for. I didn't take a picture of my spoils, but I can assure you even the Namesake would have been proud of my sugared-coated exploits.

This post is expanding rapidly, so I shall pause here for now. The next chapter of my journey includes some magical entities finding their lovely way in to my stomach, albeit with quite uncomfortable results. Tune in next time for the continued European jaunts of Widukind the Fungivore.

Music link drop!

Alright, been a little slow on the blog recently. J's post gave me the idea of just throwing a few songs out there. You guys may like them. Given I'm the provider in this circumstance, though, my guess is they won't impress. In fact, Hartichoke should probably save himself the time and not listen. Definitely not his style.

But in case Electro has caught your fancy at all, here's a few songs. First, I posted this song already in the comments of John's, so if you already clicked the link then bravo, and you can just skip to the next video.



Duck Sauce is A-Trak and Armand van Helden. Two famous DJ's. A-trak is pretty nasty. Younger brother of one of the people in Chromeo. More on him later.

This next song you guys more than likely won't like. A bit weird but I'm pretty into it. A remix of La Roux's "I'm not your toy" by Jack Beats, a sick London-Based producer.



Alright the next two songs don't really have videos, but they're both really good. The first is A-Trak's remix of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Head's Will Roll." It's pretty nasty in my opinion. Here's the song via youtube:



Okay but that may not actually be the best remix of the song so far. John Roman, another somewhat well-known DJ, made his own remix. Have a gander:



Personally I think the first three minutes of John Roman are better, but his end isn't good. A-trak's is pretty good all-around.

And just for shits and giggles:



Hope fall is sick for all of you.

Ich bin ein Berliner.

where has this been all my life...

it has been too long since my keystrokes have graced the pages of dahf. it doesnt mean that i dont love it, i am just a picky guy. someone who need something big to discuss and share. a small outfit from philly came out with an album this summer, and it is pretty bumpin'. here is the video from one of their singles "pon de floor". you may say that this video is crude, but to me it is one of the most educational that i have seen in years. next time i need to [which will hopefully be tonight..shwing] this instructional tape may come in handy. watch closely, you may miss something...

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

love you all. j

Come look at how good my pictures look...

I've been uploading my pictures to Picasa.

I call the above, "What the fuck, dude?" from my growing album, "Italians Are Weird". Check it out if you know what's good for you and your momma.

Widukinds Diary Entry #27

My dearest friends, it has been far, far too long. Now, now, let’s not get all huffy about it, and cut right to the chase.

Topic 1) I’m pretty sure that my invention of heated closets is probably about as good as it’s going to get. But, I really like this one: hot-tubs with massage chairs built in. I really don’t see why this would be so hard, or how it would not be absolutely awesome. If this was Imaginationland, I would propose the real cash-cow: build a hot-tub…with a massage chair…that sits in a hammock. I’m still working on the general physics to that one, so we’ll stick with the first idea for now. I’m really starting to put together my future house. So far I’ve got three absolute musts: heated closets, a hot-tub with massage chair, and a kebab grill machine locked and loaded 24/7 in the kitchen.

Topic 2) In my last post, I mentioned my quest to answer the age-old question, “what does the Pope do all day?”. Well, I haven’t gotten it answered, but I kinda forgot about it, too, so I’ll keep working on that. However, a burning set of questions that I have been able to answer are: “What kind of porn do Italians watch? Is there Italian porn? Or do they simply kick back with some of the magnificent cinematic triumphs of lovely San Fernando Valley, imbuing the unparalleled talent that constantly oozes from the area like lava from Mount Vesuvius, snaking its way down the slope, inflicting slow, painful and slightly erotic death?” Still with me? Good.

The answer (actually, the second one remains unknown) was provided to me by a friendly Italian student who works with our program named Vincenzo. Vincenzo is a funny guy. He looks like a Trekkie. The back of his head is extremely flat. While we were in Naples and a few of us were commenting on how much of a shit-hole the city was, Vincenzo said “They [Neopolitans] are all fucking savages” and, later asked when confronted with an exorbitantly priced cannoli: “Why don’t they [Neopolitans] all fucking die?” Quite a quotable character. But, on with the story. We were down in Naples and the Amalfi Coast on a school trip, of which 4 students were guys and about 20 were girls. Vincenzo was telling us how at one point on one of our lengthy bus rides, he had fallen asleep, and subsequently woken up surrounded by a plethora of beautiful American bzs. As he said to us, his first thought was, “Did I just wake up in a Bang Bros film?”

Question, answered.

Next in line: “Skype Sex…where do you point the camera?”

Topic 3) Lighting would fuck me up if I was some sort of tribal dude prancing around in a loincloth. Lightning and thunder. What would you think if you had absolutely no understanding of what lightning and thunder could possibly be? When you think about it, it makes perfect sense that mankind’s first reaction was “someone up there is fucking pissed.”

Topic 4) See above, but replace “lightning and thunder” with “volcano” and “up there” with “down there”.

Topic 5) I flew to Munich for Oktoberfest with four other kids from my program here. Of us 4, 3 had big things of contact solution, yet only 1 of us got stopped at security. On the way back, the people at Swiss Air noticed, but reminded me jovially, to “bring a smaller one next time!” On my way to Sicily this weekend, no one noticed. Today on my way back, they had me throw it out.

Europeans, stopping maniacal, explosive-jelly-wielding-21-year-old-exchange-student terrorists, one-third of the time!

Out like my ideas for this line right now.